When I got safeworded [FM]

I rarely write about times I had to use safe words, even though I assure you they are used freely and without hesitation. If I don’t like something, my partner will know.

I don’t write about them because I like to write about stories I find sexy so I usually cut those parts out of scenes. There are a lot of things I choose to share, but some things make sense to naturally hold back on because it’s not necessary to the story.

This one seems important to write, even if I have gone back and forth about posting

One day a minor traumatic thing happened to me at work. This was before I went to therapy and bottled shit up, so I quickly put it into a box and shut down like the emotionally stunted pro I was.

The issue is my partner could read me really well.

*Fun fact: I’ve never had good rough sex with someone where we didn’t bond really, really hard. Even if we didn’t fall in love, we fell into something else because it takes a lot to reach that level of trust.*

When I came home we talked for a bit and he was immediately like, “Did something happen at work? You seem weird.”

I assured him I was fine and heated something up for dinner. I sat next to him on the couch and he kept looking over at me. When I was done eating he tried to put an arm around me and I swatted him away. “Either fuck me or stay on your side of the couch.”

*I didn’t like being touched back then like a totally normal person.*

I often egged him on like this when I wanted to get rough but he gave me a weird look. “Viola… Are you ok?”

“I said I’m fine.” I checked my phone and got grumpy. “My work was called off tomorrow.”

When he asked why I told him there wasn’t really a reason. When he asked what I wanted to do with the extra day I told him he shouldn’t assume I wanted to spend it with him.

“Yeah we’ve only spent every day together since I met you, but how stupid of me to assume. You’re in a fucking mood, by the way.”

Yes, I was.

We didn’t talk for a while after that. I disappeared into a book and he stayed on his laptop for a bit. Finally he looked over and told me to get on my knees and blow him.

“Yes sir,” I complied immediately and got on my knees.

“Um… V?”

I didn’t say anything as I pulled his pants down and put him in my mouth.

“Look at me when I talk to you, you fucking whore.”

I think I even shrugged as I looked up at him and started moving my head up and down. He pulled my hair until I fell back though. “Viola, what the actual fuck?”

“Was it not what you just asked for?”

“You just… You usually have an attitude when I tell you what to do.”

“Ok. Well tonight I don’t. Why do you care?”

“You’re usually far more… enthusiastic.”

“Jesus.” I slammed my head back down on him and start moving faster this time. I couldn’t look at him though. He let this go on for all of two seconds until he pulled me away again.

“What the fuck?” He asked. “I… this doesn’t feel right.”

“Why? Because I’m not fighting you and making you pretend to force me? There is something SERIOUSLY fucked up with you if that’s the only way you can get off.”

“It’s not the only way I can get off. It’s just not the way WE do this. Are you even enjoying it?”

“Why do you care?”

“Because it feels like I’m actually forcing you.”

“That’s ironic. Just hurt me then. Spank me.”

“Fuck no.” I tried to reach for him and he stopped me. “Sit back.”

“Yes sir.”

“Don’t call me sir. Damn it, [safe word].”

Well, this was a first.

Seriously, this was the first time he had safeworded me. It most definitely would not be the last, but it shook me out of the state I was in.

“I really need sex right now,” I started crying.

*Lol, compulsions.*

“Alright, what the hell happened?”

I told him. I was in a location where we had a bomb scare and it freaked me the fuck out because they were not uncommon for the country we were in. He had been in the army and was actually really good about not minimizing shit like that. He just held me for a long time and let me cry.

“Don’t fucking do that again. That’s not what this is,” he finally said.

“Ok. I just need to disengage.”

“If you want sex that’s fine, but don’t use me to hurt you like that.”

*Why was this the line? It’s hard to explain. We unpacked it more years later when we were both wiser and a little more stable. If you hadn’t picked up on (*makes grand motion around*) the everything about us by now, the two of us were not normal. Dear god, I’ve never seen two functional people with such objectively dark pasts form a friendship. It was why we could never date. We entangled ourselves with each others’ trauma outlets until we couldn’t decipher what normal even looked like. Oh yeah, those insane mood swings you’ve picked up on if you’ve read literally any of our stories aren’t coincidence. We fed off each other.*

*And yes, we used rough sex as an outlet and I stand by my assertion that I healed a lot in that period. I get that. Y’all get that. However, there is a difference between using pain during sex to disengage from past trauma versus current. I’m not a damn therapist, but I’d argue there’s a very fine line that’s easy to flirt with. If I’m ever craving pain over control, it’s time to stop.*

*Wow, that was a rant I wasn’t expecting to keep in here.*

“Your heartbeat is elevated,” he said as we laid next to each other on the couch with him spooning me.

“I think I’m dying.”

“You’re not dying. You’re anxious. Tell me something physical you see or feel.”

“I feel your dick pressed against my back.”

“It’s involuntary. I’m always hard with you.”

“I know. I wish you would fuck me though.”

“Of course I’ll fuck you,” he said as he moved a hand to cup my breast and squeezed one of my nipples gently. He moved his thumb back and forth almost lazily as I gasped. “It’s just not going to be rough.”

*God damn it. This fucking story.*

“Ok. Are we even capable?”

“Yeah. Just tell me what you want and don’t ask my permission to come.”

“I want you to fuck me now.”

He took me literally. He pulled his pants down and lifted my skirt up as he tore my underwear off. He pushed himself inside of me and then held me against him tightly like we were still spooning. “Describe what it feels like.”

I moaned and panted for a second as I adjusted. I had to bite the couch pillow. “It always feels too big during this part.”

“That’s flattering. I’m only about halfway inside of you though.”

“Fuck. Just go all in.”

“You can take it?”

“Yeah.”

He pushed inside of me and I gasped. He had a very large penis so I usually required more foreplay than this, but whatever. I had indeed asked for it.

“What else do you feel?”

“My stomach is pulsing because my entire body is focused on how you’re inside of me. It’s like I can feel blood rushing.” He played with my breasts and I moaned. “My nipples feel sensitive and I can hardly stand your thumb against them.”

“Do you want me to stop?”

“No, it feels good. For some reason it makes my entire body more sensitive when you do that.”

“Good girl, what else?”

“My body is aching for you to move in and out of me. I can feel myself tighten around you. Please…”

He thrust into me and I cried out and reached an arm to wrap around his neck. “Jesus you’re tight.”

“I know,” I moaned as he thrust again. “I’m feeling so… fuck.”

“Keep talking.”

“I can’t…”

“Yes you can.”

“Fine! I need you not to stop. I need it so badly.”

“Why?”

“Because it’s all I can feel.” I was near tears trying to speak at this point. “It feels like I’m going to die if you stop. Please don’t.”

“I promise I won’t.”

“It almost hurts. Almost, but… fuck me…”

I couldn’t speak. My head was spinning and I threw my head back and kissed him. “Describe it,” he said into my mouth.

It took my a couple of seconds. “I feel… dizzy. I feel… god, don’t stop. I need it. Please.”

He threw himself into me then and I cried harder. “Viola I’m getting close.”

But I was already there. I came like a crash and whimpered as he pushed himself in and came with me.

I don’t know how long I broke down, but I cried and cried directly after orgasm. When he carried me to bed he wrapped himself around me and we fell asleep like that. It was one of the only times I remember falling asleep cuddling.

*Yes, I both love and hate this story. It’s one of THOSE you can file away in the posts I will never revisit again. Even so, it felt important because we were human and sometimes it was hard.*

Source: reddit.com/r/gonewildstories/comments/uql8j5/when_i_got_safeworded_fm