You know how a “developer’s dream” is actually “complete shit” in real estate terms? When a friend describes a blind date as “uncomplicated,” there’s a reason for that particular description.
When I was still a youngin after a breakup my friend decided I needed a rebound so she set me up with an “uncomplicated” man. I show up and this dude is about as uncomplicated as they come.
I mean, he’s sweet and all, but so fucking stupid. I’ve never met anyone more difficult to hold a conversation with.
When he came to pick me up, he stared at the books in my living room and asked me why I have to read so much for school. I explained they were all my personal collection and he gives me this blank stare like I just told him I wake up every morning and squirt hot sauce in my eyes.
On our way to the restaurant he puts on Nickelback and turns it up so loud other cars stare at us. During dinner he asks me what I want to do and when I explain I’m going to law school he asks, “Like the same kind of school lawyers go to?”
*So… This is not going to work out.*
On the flip side, he’s very attractive and I’m 18 and shallow. I really wish I had a better justification for the remainder of this story, but that’s about all there was to it.
With his living situation I couldn’t go to his house, so he invites himself back to my place to watch a movie. I have two movies at my apartment: “The Graduate” and “12 Angry Men,” neither of which exactly set a mood.
I begrudgingly pick “The Graduate” because I’m not sure I want to explain jury duty to someone who doesn’t know what law school is.
I made the wrong choice.
*If you haven’t seen this movie, skip this part. I wasn’t sure how to write it, but here are actual quotes he said during the movie:*
*“They had planes in the 1800s?”*
*”I don’t get it. Is he about to bang his mom?”*
*”Oh! Mrs. Robinson and Elaine are different people.”*
*”Wait… He doesn’t end up with the mom? I thought that was the point of this movie.”*
I try to explain the symbolism, but give up on this venture pretty quickly.
After the movie I’m about to show him the door, but then he leans over and starts making out with me. He’s a pretty damn good kisser actually. He puts a hand to my face gently and brings his mouth to mine slowly, biting my lip before putting his tongue against mine.
*Idk man, maybe I could learn to like Nickelback.*
“What are you comfortable with?” He asks.
I pause because no one has ever asked me this before. It catches me off guard. There are a lot of things I could say in this moment, but all that comes out is, “Can you just leave your pants on?”
This is a COMPLETELY arbitrary line that just stumbles out of my mouth. I don’t know where this came from.
“That’s it?”
“Um… yeah.”
He shrugs. “Nice.”
Here is the weird thing… this dude just goes down on me without warning. I have not had anyone do this before. He just skips all the bases, leans me back on my couch, and lifts my dress so he can put his head between my legs.
“Um… You don’t have to do that.”
*I was young then. I didn’t understand it’s actually ok to just let men pleasure me if they’re down.*
“Are you not comfortable with this?” He asks. “My pants are on.”
“I mean, it’s cool if you want…”
He strips my underwear off and starts licking me before I can even finish my argument. Back then, exactly one man has gotten me off like that before one time, and I didn’t know how to respond to this. I wasn’t even sure it was possible to come with him.
I shudder because I’m a tad overwhelmed at how I’m building and he stops. “Is this ok?” He asks.
“Yeah… I just might come.”
“Nice.”
He fingers me gently as he starts licking me harder. I don’t even play with his hair or anything, I just feel awkward. I think my limbs even flail as I stare at the ceiling.
*Damn young V was a top-notch seductress.*
I stop him at one point and he looks at me blankly. “My pants are on,” he says as if I somehow forgot that he’s following the rules I set.
“Are you sure this is ok? You can keep going but you don’t have to.”
“Want me to stop?”
“No…”
“Cool.”
He goes back to licking me and fingers me a little harder. I am actively trying not to come because I’m so embarrassed my face might look weird.
*Oh young V. One day you will slap a dude when he looks away during sex because you want him to watch you come.*
The more I try to fight it, the more I build and I finally come as I put a pillow to my face and muffle my squeal.
*Fuuuuuuck.*
“Did you come?” He asks.
I nod.
“Nice.”
I am suddenly ok with the brevity of our conversations as his tongue is definitely better put to work in other places.
“Wow. That was fucking great. Holy shit. I just orgasmed.”
“Nice.”
“You’re amazing.”
“Cool. Want to go out this weekend?”
Today I probably would have said no. I was getting vibes me was into me a level that went beyond one-sided cunnilingus. I wasn’t feeling it back.
That. Tongue. Though.
“I’d love that.”
“Cool. I have to go but I’ll text you.”
So we did see each other for a few weeks. A couple of stories happened there I might write about… but his pants never came off. Weirdly enough, that never seemed to bother him. He was actually pretty chill with this arrangement.
I explained this situation to my sister who had the maturity to say, “So you’re just going to use him like a vibrator with eyes?”
*I admit that doesn’t sound great.*
He was pretty cool about it and we parted ways amicably.
I remember at the time thinking I would probably never hook up with someone again with such talents. While I did date many talented folks, I’ll actually always be grateful for this specific experience because I was like, “Damn, that’s what it should feel like.”
Source: reddit.com/r/gonewildstories/comments/u6229l/the_uncomplicated_man_who_had_other_talents_fm
“A vibratory with eyes” That is an epic turn of phrase. Thank you.
I’m sure he found himself an uncomplicated woman, whose mind he absolutely blew with his tongue skills. That’s not usually how “uncomplicated” stories end, so that’s actually kind of nice to think about.
Lmao all I’m thinking right now is “why use lot word when few word do trick?” But also I think I just realized what story *I* need to write about because I’ve got a rather similar experience 💀
A vibrator with pants 😏
You know what, he reminds me of those big beefy dudes you see in action flicks and games. They’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, but they’re good at what they do and get the job done, with an “uncomplicated” personality to boot.
Still props to him for sticking to your boundaries to a t! And his insistence on consent and your comfort, seems like an actual good guy, hope he lives a good life!
> Oh young V. One day you will slap a dude when he looks away during sex because you want him to watch you come.
Oh current V. One day you will post a story about you beating a guy up and your readers will love you for it. Lmao
Maybe we’ll get to read his other tales, but for now this was definitely a fun read, cheers to you Ms. V!
You’re on a roll these past few days, V!
Also, this make me think of a Bill Hicks joke, where a waitress asks him ‘What you reading for?’
We need to read your present-day interview with him [heck, I don’t even care if you have to make it up, just write the damn thing yesterday]