The dick that actually made me insane [MF]

*Damn it, I wrote this story only for me and have really not wanted to post it. It’s very personal and makes me look insane. However, I’m taking the monthly contest as a sign that it’s finally time. Y’all are really about to see how human I am*

*I thought about breaking this into parts, but it just doesn’t work.*

If it seems like I usually have the upper hand in my stories, it’s because I do. I wasn’t cold when I was younger, but incredibly guarded. My confidence was outrageously high and I was usually the one to drive people crazy.

Until this dude.

I’ve dated a lot of folks I wonder about, buy this is actually the one who “got away.” It’s still painful to think about and there is no way for me to write this without sounding batshit crazy. I have no idea how he would tell this story, but I highly doubt I’m his “one who got away.” I still can’t make sense of this.

Once upon a time I was dating four people at once. I was not sleeping with these people, but I was regularly seeing them and fooling around. I was the damn queen of casual dating and kind of had them all wrapped around my finger.

I did not think ANYONE could outplay me.

My roommate/soulmate went on a date one night and I got bored and complained I wanted my own date. Instead of calling upon one of my suitors I got on a dating app and started messaging folks to come meet me immediately.

*I don’t want to brag but my profile was on fucking point. I rarely got a left swipe.*

I matched with one dude who was like, “Sure I’ll come meet you.”

When I met him in person my jaw dropped. It’s been pretty rare in life that I was that attracted to a person. What’s worse is that he was charming, confident, and nice. This part was definitely not one-sided. He absolutely felt it too. We stayed for more drinks than we should have simply because we wanted to keep talking.

“I’m going to say the thing you’re not supposed to say and tell you that this is by far the best first date I’ve ever been on,” he said at one point.

“Dude, me too! But I’m trying to play it cool and not let you know how into this I am.”

We found out we both had the same favorite movie theater and he was like “Let’s go see a movie!” It was almost midnight and the movie wouldn’t let out until 3:00am, but I agreed for some reason, even though I had the study the next day and he had work. I just really couldn’t stand the thought of the date ending.

I remember our first kiss very distinctly because it’s kind of funny. A fun fact about me is that I can’t keep cash on myself because I WILL give it away if someone on the street asks. My ex and I once got into a huge fight about it because I was allegedly “Perpetuating their cycle of drug use.”

*Yeah, fuck that guy.*

However when I gave my last bit of cash away to a dude on the street, my date gave me a weird look and I got self-conscious. I asked him if something was wrong and he says, “Nothing, that was just the sexiest thing I’ve ever seen.” And then he kissed me. It only lasted a few seconds but it was one of those kisses where whole bodies collide. I snaked my hand around his back and he pulled me in by my shoulders.

This all happened in front of a group of homeless men who cheered us on. We giggled and ran off towards the theater. After that, I don’t think we stopped touching. We were late to this movie and he took my hand and pulled me through our city as we giggled and ran down the streets.

It was weirdly romantic.

We got in front of the theater and it was fucking closed. I was disappointed until he pushed me against the brick wall outside the theater and made out with me. It was so fucking hot. He grabbed my leg so I could wrap it around him and the two of us macked for a solid ten minutes. It had been a very long time since I was that turned on by kissing.

Also, he was definitely hard and kept pressing into me.

I think we were both expecting the other to invite us back. However, I kind of assumed my roommate was fucking (we shared a very small space) and I think he was being a gentleman. I reluctantly said goodbye.

“Probably no second date, right?” He asked while I was getting into my car.

“Definitely not.”

We exchanged numbers and made plans to hang later that week. It was a perfect first date.

Our second date should have been awkward. I asked him to bring a friend for my roommate and our two friends did not get along at all. However, I don’t think anything could have ruined our time. We just kept making out any fucking chance we got and couldn’t keep our hands off each other. At one point he pushed me against the wall and pinned my hands above my head. My breathing hitched when I felt him get hard and I finally told him to take me to his place. Our friends were not upset our double date was ending.

As we walked back I informed him we weren’t having sex.

*I just wasn’t fucking anyone at that time. This is odd logic, but I was dating too many people to be having that much sex. STD checks alone just get exhausting at that point.*

He was absolutely cool with it, but it was very difficult for both of us. I’m not even sure who attacked whom when we got into his room, but we collapsed on his bed immediately and dry humped so hard I had to stop a couple of times to catch my breath. We essentially pretended like we were fucking with our clothes on.

He flipped me on all fours and bent over me, grinding into me hard as he whispered, “I’d fuck you so hard like this.”

“No, you’d be pulling my hair too and I’d make you spank me first.”

He slapped my ass and pulled my hair as we went back to dry humping.

“I need a break,” he said as he sat back. “I haven’t been close to coming in my pants since I was a teenager.”

“I know. I’m so tight right now I’m in physical pain. Holy fuck, it’d be so painful to fuck you right now. I love it when I’m so tight sex hurts.”

His mouth fell open. “Are you always like this?”

“Like what?”

“…Sexual?”

“Constantly, but I haven’t been this attracted to someone in a while.”

“What are you like in bed?”

I smiled and put his finger in my mouth and sucked for a few seconds. “I’m very fun to fuck.”

“Dear god,” he said and attacked me again. We went back to dry humping and did so for hours until we FINALLY passed out. It was unsatisfying and glorious.

I got up the next morning and prepared for my walk of shame, slipping out before we could wake up. I ran into his roommate on the way out and froze.

“Let me guess,” his roommate said. “You’re Ramona.”

My heart sank. “Um, yeah my name is actually Viola… but that’s good to know.” I literally felt like I wanted to cry and started running out.

Luckily, my date came down in time to hear this conversation and intercepted me at the door.

“Whoa! Whoa!” He said. “You’re Ramona.”

“What?”

“I talked about you to my friends and called you Ramona Flowers because you’re bisexual. It was a stupid joke.”

I paused and then burst out laughing. He kissed me goodbye and said he’d text me.

The moment I was on the street I realized I had just almost cried at the thought of him with another girl.

I was in fucking trouble.

So the two of us continue to hang out a couple of times a week for a month and it’s Notebook level romance… Well it would have been if I wasn’t dating four other people.

Yes, in hindsight, I should have stopped seeing other folks. I liked him too much and it wasn’t fair to other people I was seeing. However, I always had the upper hand. I always cared less. I was the champion of casual dating, damn it.

I was also falling for him though.

I remember the first time he fingered me. I cooked him dinner and we ensued in our usual dry humping. I was wearing a skirt and when he pressed against me I moaned and started whimpering. “Fuck I’m so tight,” I said.

He paused for a second and asked if he could feel just for a moment. I nodded and he very carefully inched up my leg, moved my underwear to the side and put a finger inside of me. My entire body tightened around it and I had to arch my back and cry out.

“Holy shit,” he groaned. “Can I do two without hurting you?”

“No but I like when it hurts.”

He put in two fingers and I was physically shaking as he very slowly moved in and out of me. I took his other hand and started sucking on his fingers.

“Fuck, I have to stop,” he said. “Really, we have to stop. It’s too hard.”

I instinctively looked down at his crotch and laughed. “It is indeed.”

However, we did stop.

So we spent a month hanging together like that. Going on dates, hanging with his friends, vigorously dry jumping every chance we got, etc.

Once we were lying in bed and shyly was like, “Can I ask you something?”

“Sure.”

“Do you like… get weird in bed?”

I started laughing at that. “Why do you ask?”

“Oh just… the things you say sometimes. And even though we haven’t done much you’re like weirdly good at this.”

“Yes, I get very weird in bed.”

“Like… what?”

“I don’t want to scare you off. I just have very few hard limits and I like giving pleasure.”

“What do you like?”

“Just being controlled generally. There are very few things I won’t do if someone is into it. I like being degraded.”

We then started dry humping again.

So, he invited me on a day trip and asked if I wanted to spend the night so we could leave early that next day. I had plans before, but I told him I’d be over late.

The truth is, I went on a date with a girl I had been seeing before I went to his house. I literally kissed her goodbye and then walked to him. Dating multiple people while I liked him this much was really starting to fuck with my head. I just assumed he was seeing other people, and it was really hard to accept.

I show up at his house pretty late. We start our normal routine of agonizing friction and I finally break.

“Can we just fuck?”

He stopped. “Are you sure?”

“Yeah, I really am.”

He even went and got water so I could calm down and make a rational decision. It had been a month of agony and I insisted it was time.

*Hindsight: I think we both knew we liked each other too much.*

We started making out and he pulled my dress off. He took his shirt off and started kissing my neck as I stroked his back and hair. When he finally put his hand under my bra and cupped my breast, I moaned into his mouth and arched my back to meet him.

When he removed my bra he put my breast in his mouth and bit down gently. Damn it, I cried out and had to scratch his back. He pinned my hands to the mattress and put his mouth back on my body.

*Fuck, I forgot how good our sex was. This is the one of the few times I’ve teared up when drafting.*

He pushed my underwear down as I unbuckled his belt and pulled down his pants. I don’t even remember if he was particularly big, I just remember seeing his dick and thinking “Bro, I want him in me every way possible.”

He leaned me back and touched my face really sweetly when he entered me. I was so tight it really took him a few tries to get himself in.

Holy fucking shit.

I cried out and grabbed the sheets with my fist. “Am I hurting you?” He asked.

“Yes, and please hurt me more.”

I pulled him towards me and that was all it took. It was perfect rhythm as he slammed into me over and over. I threw my hand up and he put his fingers into mine.

“You don’t know what you’re doing to me,” I cried beneath him.

He really didn’t. I’ve had some good sex, but rarely does it feel THAT fucking good.

“We have to switch so I don’t come too soon,” he whispered.

I smiled as he leaned back. I also just took a moment to look at his dick and stroke it a few times. “You have no idea the things I want to do to this, or the things I’d let you do to me.”

I let him flip me over and slap my ass a few times. “What exactly would you do for it?” He asked.

“If you told me to get on all fours and crawl for it, I would.”

“Fuck, V,” he cried as he went back inside of me. “You say the hottest things.” I gasped as he put his chest to my back and moved in and out of me.

“God, I’ve wanted this so bad,” I moaned. I had to bite the sheets to keep from screaming.

“You have no idea.”

“You can go harder if you want.”

He took my hips and slammed so hard I could barely breath. He pulled my hair so I couldn’t move as he fucked me so hard i had to brace myself. I saw stars as I started building and did actually scream as I came around him. He did not last long after that.

We laid back, exhausted.

“You have no idea the things I want to do to you.”

“You have no idea the things I’d let you do.”

We fell asleep and I didn’t even mind that he wanted to cuddle.

We actually had a great time the next day. We were sweet and comfortable with each other. When we got back he dropped me off and we went out separate ways.

And then I went batshit crazy.

I had never liked someone as much as they liked me. I did not know how to handle it.

Upon reflection, he was not a great texter anyway, but it never bothered me because I wasn’t either. When you’re not looking for texts you don’t care. However, after that I was so freaked out about him disappearing that I read into everything. To this day I’m not sure if he was pulling away or if I was just freaking out because I don’t trust my judgment in this memory.

Anyway, after four days of this, I had a realization that something was off and this wasn’t me. I didn’t spend days pinning over someone and I hated what i was turning into. I called him and asked him to meet.

He was very confused because he didn’t think anything was off. I explained that it was me and I just didn’t feel right being in limbo. I didn’t even need to be his girlfriend but I needed something.

“Why?” He asked.

“Oh because I like you too much to date other people and I don’t like the thought of you doing that either.”

This is how he learned I was dating other people and I’ve never seen anyone’s face drop like that. He had no idea and was very confused why I would do that.

The truth is I didn’t owe him anything. He didn’t owe me anything. That was the problem. He told me he couldn’t give me what I needed and I told him I couldnt settle.

*I should also probably note I had just spent years with a crazy emotional attachment to someone who was in absolutely no position to commit and we constantly fucked around on each other. I didn’t want that anymore, but I couldn’t unpack that with him.*

He dropped me off and we said our goodbyes. I don’t even know who was more bummed about this. I got physically ill when the door shut behind me and had to throw up before I spent hours crying.

So, I usually bounce back pretty quickly, but this one stuck with me. I kept thinking of him and compared everyone to what I had felt with him. I basically broke up with everyone I was seeing.

*I sincerely don’t know how he would tell this story. It might be one-sided, but I doubt it.*

In a move of sound mind and judgment, I called the one ex I hated so I could try to fuck my feelings away. This ex happens to be my old boss. I didn’t even say hello, I just walked in and started undressing.

*We were way past the point where we even pretended like we cared about each other and would just occasionally fuck and then scream at each other.*

He bent me over the edge of his couch and fucked me like that until we both came. After we were done I told him I needed it again and he said we should chill for a minute for him to recharge.

He asked me how I was doing just to make small talk. All of a sudden I found myself spilling this weird story about how I had my heart broken by someone I barely knew and I couldn’t understand why.

“Holy fuck, V,” he said. “I didn’t think it was possible. I’ve never seen you… care.”

“Let’s just fuck again.”

“I don’t think we should. I think you should call him.”

“I’m not going to call him. I’m not going to waste my time with someone who doesn’t want to be with you.”

“He DID. For once you didn’t have someone fall head over heels in five minutes. You just have to work for it. That’s normal.”

*In hindsight, this is the most decent thing he ever said.*

I did not call him. I kept going on dates, making out with random people, and slowly started moving on.

He saw me one night out (thank god I didn’t see him), and texted me that he hoped I was doing well. I drunkenly texted back that I missed him.

*Smooth, V.*

One night I get a call. He’s wasted but says he desperately needs to see me. We meet up and he tells me I am “A part of him” and he doesn’t care about anything else. He just wants it to be him and me. He tells me he’s been miserable and missed me so much.

I am slightly tipsy but have my wits about me. I tell him we should meet up when we’re sober and have this conversation again.

But it’s too hard. I’m so happy and so damn attracted to him, so I went home with him. I just remember the way we both laughed at each other in the Uber, flirting as we made out and talked about our lives in the month we were apart. I had really missed him and he really missed me

I’ve had a lot of sex. I’ve had weird sex, kinky sex, queer sex, passionate sex, and sweet sex. Our sex that night was some of the best I’ve ever had in my life.

We couldn’t get undressed fast enough before he hoisted me so my legs were wrapped around him. He carried me to the bed and laid me down.

“I’ve missed you, Viola. I know that’s weird to say.”

“I’ve missed you every day. I’ve also thought about doing something for way too long,” I said as I sucked on his fingers.

I got on my knees and put him in my mouth.

Idk man, there are sometimes when I suck dicks for my own pleasure more than my partner’s. This was one of those times.

I didn’t even take him all the way in. I just played with him, licking him over and over again just to savor it. When I finally put his hand in my hair and let him push me all the way down, he was gasping above me, absolutely helpless.

*Good god, I didn’t want it to end.*

“I’m going to come in your mouth if you keep doing that,” he moaned. I nodded.

*Thats the point sir. Do you know how many times I’ve thought of swallowing your cum?*

He came in my mouth and I have never been so enthusiastic to swallow.

“I can go again in a minute,” he gasped as he pulled me towards him. “You once told me you get weird in bed but wouldn’t tell me what you like because you didn’t want to scare me off.”

I eyed him. “What about it?”

“I want to know.”

I laughed. “Idk. Just dom/sub stuff. I’m submissive. There’s very little I won’t let people do to me.”

“Like what all have you done?”

“It might be easier for me to name stuff I haven’t done.”

“I think this is why our commitment talk through me off, V. You talk like this and you’re very sexual, but then you got weird.”

“I know,” I groaned. “Trust me when I say no one was more surprised by that than me. I should have waited for sex, but it’s hard with you. I’ve never been so attracted to someone.”

*This was true at the time. He wasn’t even objectively the most attractive person I’ve been with, but he was the most attractive person to me.*

“Speaking of which,” he smiled. He pulled me into him so we were making out again. He put me on my back and wove his hands into mine as he rubbed his body against me.

“Fuck me now,” I whispered. He went inside of me and fucked me so hard the walls were shaking. I realized I had been so heartbroken I had barely even gotten myself off that month and went INSANE.

*TBF, “barely” for me is still several times a day, but whatever.*

I think the right word here is feral. I could not get enough of him and kept pulling him towards me as I started building. He sat back and pulled me into his lap so I was straddling him and pulled my hair back. I scratched his back as I started building. I said his name as we climaxed together before we collapsed on the bed.

“Fuck,” I breathed.

We held each other for a while until he announced we were taking a shower.

“For some reason that’s really intimate for me. I usually don’t do it unless I’m kind of serious with someone.”

He looked me up and down, gave me a sheepish smile, and then shrugged. I started laughing and let me take my hand and lead me to his bathroom.

We didn’t even fuck again… Although I probably would if he had gotten hard again. He did pin me to the wall and kiss me as we had a very intimate conversation about our backgrounds, families, and how much we liked each other.

We fell asleep intertwined and I woke up in a weirdly blissful haze. I kissed him goodbye and said I had to study, but promised to text him later.

Now, on my end, I was in heaven. I thought things were going to work out between us and I was feeling great. I’m not sure how he would tell this story. While I suspect it was not one sided based on the events thus far, I honestly don’t know.

I spent the morning touching myself to the memory of him as I kept smiling, despite the fact that I was studying the most boring subject ever written.

However, then I got the call that my mom was sick.

The thing is, when shit like this happens, you don’t really know how you’re going to react. I flew home for the weekend to be with my family. All I wanted to do was tell him about it, but I barely knew him and didn’t want to burden this née relationship.

What was worse, his texting was sparse and I couldn’t help myself. I was feeling vulnerable and needy so I kept reaching out and barely got a response. I was starting to worry he he just drunkenly used me for sex.

Again, I don’t know how he’d tell this story, but I suspect he’d say I came on way too strong. From my perspective I was going through a crisis I couldn’t tell him about and was clinging to the last thing that brought me a bit of joy.

Finally, I recognized he was pulling away and stopped texting. I sent him a final goodbye note and flew back to my city in defeat. I didn’t hear from him for weeks.

That was until he texted me one random afternoon when I was on a day trip with my friends. He begged me to come over “Just to talk.”

I told him I’d be there in two hours.

I should say at this point all of my friends were like “Viola, what the fuck are you thinking?” My roommate literally tried to take my phone away.

“He basically ghosted you!” She said. “Do not go over.”

I did go over and he did not answer the door. Or his phone. I cried like an idiot and told him he would never humiliate me again.

I blocked his number, deleted him from my social media, and never reached out again.

I should say I met my husband a couple of months later, and our love story was far more intense and better than this one. Most importantly, it was easy which is the way it’s supposed to be.

I’ve reached out to him a couple of times. I’d like to say those interactions were smooth but it was more of a clumsy attempt at closure.

I still don’t feel closure here.

I had never really been dumped or rejected like that. To this day, I can’t tell if I was a needy bitch or if he was a manipulative asshole. I don’t know.

If he told this story, he might say he didn’t have strong feelings and I just got weird.

Somehow I doubt that’s the case.

Source: reddit.com/r/gonewildstories/comments/tym036/the_dick_that_actually_made_me_insane_mf