About that first time [FM]

I know, I was stupid, but like every curious virile teenage guy on the cusp of adulthood, I was impatient to experience it. No, I didn’t want to lose it because I was afraid of being mocked for being a virgin in college; I just wanted to tick it off my bucket list as something to experience.

It didn’t help that I was from a hyper conservative Asian upbringing and two years prior, I decided to start educating myself through porn, building up a healthy amount of unrealistic expectations about sex till I was bursting ripe for a major disappointment.

“One never knows how good or bad the first time will be till he tries” was my thinking, and I was yearning for any opportunity to break away into my first experience. Getting a girlfriend, or finding a hook-up was out of the question for deathly introverted me, so the next logical option was a paid partner.

Fast forward to my high school grad trip, and I’m sitting on a chair beside a swarthy short man in a dimly lit shop house in the seedy underbelly of a Southeast Asian nation. Across the room sitting on a couch was an array of five women, some in tank tops, others in form fitting dresses. “You pick, which you like,” said the pimp, sweeping his arm toward the couch. Inside, I was trembling and a part of me wanted to back the hell out and escape into the cool night air of the neon-signs lit streets. Every passing second felt more and more like a nightmare. A million thoughts crossed my mind: “Was this legal? What if I get ripped off and they are ladyboys? How the hell could I walk away and save my ego?” I was so tense and hyper alert that my eyes could’ve popped right off my head. “Bro, you don’t scare; they all nice lady,” the man beside me quipped, clearly suppressing a laugh.

I eyed them, right to left, then left to right. “Shit, shit shit, I thought.” None of them caught my fancies like the porn-star hot I hoped to see. They certainly weren’t plain, or old, and some were quite attractive. I was struggling to pacify the siren bells going off in my head and cool my nerves. I bolted myself down and decided to try to find an escape. Brilliant me suddenly thought to ask the pimp if the ladies were coerced into the trade and if there were any ladies who were there on their own accord.

“They all horny and good,” he reassured, obviously avoiding or misunderstanding the question; “but we have a lot more.” My heart shrunk into my chest as he barked at them to clear out. Soon eight more ladies emerged from a backroom. “I’m fucked,” I thought, “guess I just have to roll with it and get over it.”

I finally settled on an innocent looking girl around my age, thinking probably she’ll commiserate as she’s inexperienced like me. She led me by the hand, to a tiny room in the corner and pulled a down a thin mattress leaning on wall onto the floor and sat on it, beckoning me to join her. Still pumped and tense, I eyed the room cautiously, and finally sat beside her satisfied at the added privacy when she pulled down a cloth serving as a makeshift door over the room’s entrance.

I studied her, holding both her hands, desperately trying build some chemistry. At this point, essentially all feelings of wanting fuck just about evaporated from me. The importance of chemistry before sex hit me like a brick and I sat immobile for a moment there trying to calm my nerves down while questioning my life choices.

My trance was shattered when she jumped on me, straddling me with her legs and wrapping her arms around me. She was giggling and we stared on and off into each other’s eyes. I soon realized that unlike her pimp, she didn’t speak a shred of English. Gesticulating and speaking in her native language she repeatedly made broken attempts to breach the communication barrier and understand what I fancied she do next. I tried to pull up my phone to Google translate, and a sinking feeling pointlessness and “WTF am I doing here” washed over me.

Despite the palpable awkwardness she yanked her clothes off and tried to kiss me. The sight of her tight milky white teenage Asian body with full C-cups and a cleanly shaved cunt instantly got me hard, but I didn’t feel like fucking her. It felt wrong. I just wanted to cuddle and make a connection. I just wanted to admire and run my fingers all over that body. She stuck her face in front of mine and tried to kiss me, giggling awkwardly, while her hands ran under my shirt and down my jeans. She stripped me, nibbling and kissing at my neck and trying to console me and get me on with the mood. I knew I made her feel awkward and tentative and inside I felt terrible for it but also absolutely lost on what to feel or do. She was trying her best to be sincere, and yet it felt so fabricated, I hated it and yet clung to the bits of sincerity.

With both of us naked, she slid the rubber on erect member as I stared down feeling a strange sense of disjointedness at the conflict between what my my body and mind felt. She gave a few awkward tugs and frenched me deeply, pulling me onto her as she laid on the mattress. She rubbed her clit and I tentatively entered her.

I tried desperately get myself in the mood and imagine myself pounding her like the studs in the pornos I had seen but I just felt numb inside and out. I was literally retreating and existing inside my mind and all the world outside was a faint buzz and blur.

I slowly fucked her missionary, picking up the pace and wanted but switch to cowgirl but gave up remembering the hopeless communication barrier to breach. I ran my fingers through her hair, my other hand playing with her beautiful pink nipples as I kissed and sucked gently on them. She moaned softly, and the thought crossed me that it might be fake. I pinched her nipples then gently ran my nails down the side of her torso, abruptly pulling my hand away. She kept on moaning. A foreign pang of anger welled up in me. I wanted her to really moan from pleasure. I thought to roughly fuck her and just treat her like a fuck-meat but another part of me recoiled at the thought and repulsion and disgust at myself kicked in.

In the awkward silence punctuated by the slapping of our flesh against another, it all felt weirdly calming and yet deeply meaningless and mechanical, as if our bodies were barriers preventing us from truly connecting with each other. I felt like I could keep going on, but a part of me wanted to put an end to this whole horrible dream. I conjured up a memory of my favorite porn video and climaxed.

I clung to her for an awkward eternity as a torrent of regret, anger, shame, confusion, disappointment, disgust and loneliness flooded me. “That it?” I though. It wasn’t even a sliver as great as I imagined and hoped it would feel. Fuck; porn and wanking even feels better than this. She cleaned me up and I hurriedly got up, dressed as fast as I could and left the room, dropping her a bunch of notes for the effort and paid the pimp before rushing out into the night to be alone with my thoughts and reflect…

A core memory was definitely formed that day and I swore never to have such horrible sex again and to make sure there was chemistry. I knew I had no one to blame but myself and my rosy eyed view of sex being like those pornos was forever shattered.

Source: reddit.com/r/gonewildstories/comments/toj45n/about_that_first_time_fm