Don’t worry, this is not about high school kids.
My husband actually told me to write this because he thinks it’s hilarious and someone asked if I had ever had bad sex in my AMA last night. This story came to mind.
Also if any of you still thought I was cool, you’re about to see that I’m so fucking lame.
We all have that one person from high school, right? The one who everyone in school knows and is basically the the closest thing to a celebrity in your hometown?
Yeah, I was not cool enough in high school to hook up with him. He was two years older than me and dated a girl who was basically perfect looking.
I mean, I’m not going to do the whole, “I was such a nerd trope” because I was fine. I was pretty well liked and relatively social. I was just a normal amount of insecure and didn’t know how to dress myself.
*I still really don’t.*
I was DEFINITELY not cool enough for this dude though. Like, it was a miracle he even learned my name. It literally never even occurred to me to talk to him. He was so attractive I wasn’t attracted to him because it would never be a possibility.
The most annoying thing? He was fucking smart too. This would be so much easier if he was a dumb jock. He’s a damn doctor now and still beautiful.
*Bro, it’s embarrassing how girlish I am writing this. Apparently I am still 15.*
We had exactly one interaction in high school. I had people over one day for my friend’s party and he showed up. I was so shook I almost felt sick. I felt like I should apologize for him coming to my party because surely this did not live up to his coolness.
At one point I introduced myself and he was like, “Viola, I know who you are.”
*Omg! He spoke to me!*
“Huh?”
“You date [high school BF] and you’re like queen of chess club.”
*Damn it. Why don’t I have a cooler hobby?*
We had a very short conversation but I could have sworn he was flirting just a little. Like just a wee bit of
Chemistry came through. Also when we jumped into my pool later he definitely checked out my swimsuit.
After that, we’d say hi when we saw each other in the halls or ran into each other at social gatherings, but obviously he was still too godlike status to interact with more.
Cut to: years later I run into this guy when I’m home from college. He says hi and I swear I’m still so intimidated it takes me a while to comprehend he’s talking to me.
We catch up for a bit and this mother fucker ASKS ME OUT.
Y’all want to know how lame I am? I texted all of my friends from high school immediately and called my dad.
*This story is so cringe.*
We go to dinner and actually have a very nice time. To my surprise I discover he’s a real person with actual depth. He had just gotten into med school, volunteered at a damn animal shelter, and liked the same books I did.
*Bro, just shut up and marry me.*
We “go for a drive” which I’m hoping is code for parking somewhere so we can make out.
*It was.*
At one point I am lame enough to say, “I can’t believe I’m out with you.”
I do not need to explain. He got it.
He laughs. “You know I had a crush on you in high school right?”
“You did not know who I was.”
“I did too. I came over to your house once.”
“You did…”
*Yes! He remembered!*
“And you once got food poisoning and projectile vomited in your chemistry class.”
“I did…”
*Fuck, he remembered*
*I see my reputation proceeds me. Damn it, small towns.*
“And you played chess. You read. You were friends with that girl from Oklahoma. You dated [high school boyfriend] until he cheated on you.”
*God damn it, is this a Disney movie? I mean, if Disney movies got dirty because I’m definitely about to jump this guy.*
“Do you mind if I pull over so we can talk?” He asks.
*Hell yeah I’m ok with you pulling over on a secluded dirty road.*
He brings up my ex again and asks if it still hurts. I shrug and explain I’ve had pretty cool experiences since then. Dating at my college is fun.
*Btw, my ex cheated on me with my best friend. On my birthday. In my bed. While I was downstairs. It still hurts. Lol.*
“Better than the dudes around here?” He asks.
“Not all,” I smile.
*Fuck yes, V! What a great line. You’re about to mack on the dude so many girls have thought of macking.*
“Can I kiss you?” He asks.
I nod!
*Yes! Young V is dying right now. Holy fuck he’s about to kiss me.*
He goes in sweetly and sweeps my hair to the side.
*Is this real?*
Rubs his thumb across my lower lip.
*Nice move, sir.*
He goes in for the kill and… licks my face.
*Huh?*
Ok, that was odd but it cannot be this bad. Surely we can recover. I reach to kiss him and at first it’s pretty good. We go slowly and he parts my lips with his tongue.
*Ok, this is hot.*
I open my mouth slowly and… he just straight up kind of licks the inside of my mouth. Like a lizard. Like he goes in and out really fast.
*Bro, this is impossible. There is no way someone this hot never learned how to kiss.*
I can work with this though. We just need to get his mouth to other places.
The problem is, is car is very small. Even when we hop into his backseat, there’s not a lot of room to play… or exist.
I accidentally elbow him and he knocks my head into the window when he tries to get on top of me.
“I never thought I’d miss my dorm,” I mutter as I try to reach for his shirt. Even the act of removing it is a tragedy in itself. He is way too big for this small of a car.
*Ok, but his body is everything I ever dreamed it would be.*
He doesn’t even try with mine. He just puts his hand up my shirt. It’s so tight he barely even makes it to my breasts but does his best to fondle me like a rockstar.
*My husband is leaning over me laughing right now.*
Finally, I just try to straddle him, thinking this will be easier but I keep hitting my head on the roof of the car. He’s hard though and my obsessive crush is outweighing the complications behind these logistics.
Finally, I managed to pull his jeans down and start playing with him.
He um… moans?
It’s more like a squeak. Kind of like a dying bird. I have given some bad handjobs on my life but this one takes the cake.
Finally I just put him in my mouth because I don’t want him to see the confusion on my face and I’m hoping this just shuts him up honestly.
This dude comes in 3 seconds. I’m not kidding. Like I don’t even have time to do any of my moves.
*And I have moves, damn it!*
After years of fantasizing about sucking this dude’s dick, I don’t even get the chance to lick it.
I swallow though because I’m a saint.
He apologizes profusely for coming in my mouth without permission and I don’t know how to tell him that was not what I had an issue with.
He wants to keep going though and I imagine this cannot get any worse so I agree.
He pulls off my jeans and I let him finger me, but he’s SO BAD at it. Like, he has no rhythm at all and for some reason has gone back to making the dying bird noises.
I fake an orgasm. I do it. I’m sorry women everywhere. But I had to get this dying bird off of me.
The weirdest part was, the entire ride home he just keep talking about how great it was and about how we have to go out again before I head back to school.
I leave for school early to avoid this.
This is possibly the least sexy story I’ve ever written but whatever. Enjoy the reality.
Source: reddit.com/r/gonewildstories/comments/tgfnfc/i_hooked_up_with_my_hometown_hero_and_it_was
This is an A+ story about an F- experience 😂
Hilarious and unsurprising. Those kind of guys have had their egos so fluffed they are literally delusional. I’m just going to go ahead and forgive you on behalf of women everywhere, because let me assure you that anything that even slightly rattled that delusion would NOT have been received well. Also the hottest part for me was your husband reading over your shoulder and laughing. I think the guys that are truly good in bed don’t really believe it until they hear just how bad it can be.
Bro count: 3
This story basically confirms that you’re actually a lot hotter than you’ve ever believed you are, (based on how persistently he went after you,) *but* it sort of turned out to be a good thing because it motivated you to learn Moves and maintain a genuine personality. This dude was hot, knew it, and had so little game that it’s like he wasn’t even playing.
This was Jon Hamm on *30 Rock*?
10/10 story writing ma’am, thank you for this hahahaa
Guess he wasn’t up to the illusion he portrayed.
Just goes to show, faking it can be a kindness too.
This was fantastic, in the nicest way I hope you have some more horrific stories as this really cracked me up.
Also, kudos to your husband. Some guys (and girls) can be very weird about previous partners. You’ve got a solid relationship there!
I’m guessing he had the same crush on you as you did on him and epicly failed due to his anxiety about it.
That’s my story and I’m choosing to believe. This sounds like an awkward teenage summer love story. Thanks for sharing.
Ngl this is something like those cheesy rom-com movies you would watch when high and/or drunk and I fucking love every bit of it lmao
Two things that stand out tho
1. High school Viola seems so adorable and cute (I’m technically younger than you so this doesn’t count as creepy…I think)
2. For all his hhhmmmmmm shortcummings (?) He still does sound like a sweet guy, like an actual genuine nice guy who just happened to be popular. Hope he’s doing better now and cries like an eagle (fun fact: the sound they use for eagles in movies is actually from a red-tailed hawk).
Even your disappointments never disappoint, such a fantastic writer you are Ms. V! Cheers to another great one!
This actually was, “wild”. 🤪
This storytelling is gold!! Thank you for the laugh.
This could easily be a scene in a romcom.
Probably a hard story to write so you might not do it, but that tidbit about your ex cheating on you with your best friend while you were in the same house sounded scandalous.
>The weirdest part was, the entire ride home he just keep talking about how great it was and about how we have to go out again before I head back to school.
>I leave for school early to avoid this.
LMAO
Great writing. You are a saint for the swallow. Most women would have done something much different. I really enjoyed reading this because it felt real to me. I have rolled my eyes more then a few times when reading a true story on here. Where the guy gets over the top sex the first time he hooks up with a woman.
I feel like a pornstar compared to this guy lol
They say “never meet your heroes.” It seems this is definitely the case here.
This is why I never regret getting older.
That said, it seems like there is almost a dichotomy of how sex goes with attractive people. Some lean into it and it’s fucking awesome on all levels, while others seem to coast by on their looks and are boring partners.
Bro I am laughing my fucking ass off at this.
In my experience too a lot of super hot women are awful at sex as well. I think if you’re a certain level of attractive people are afraid to give you honest criticism.
I was that guy once. Not the hometown hero, as you put it. She never indicated it at the time but I cringed throughout because I knew how badly I was doing. I was just so blown away by the fact that this girl I crushed on so much was here with me that I bottled it at every ~~hurdle~~ opportunity.
Oh well, live and learn. This story brought me back. So we’ll related, as usual.
hilarious, I have had this with a woman..and I too faked an orgasm. just so I could bail..a ruined fantasy..
Holy shirtballs, I can’t wait for your book.
: )
By far, the best story I’ve ever read on here. Magnificent. Currently going to see if you’ve got more cleverly articulated stories i can enjoy. Keep writing, you’re wonderful ✌
This is not the type of story I typically read when I stroll this sub, but goddamn I’m glad I did! I feel bad laughing about it, but you wrote it so awesomely well that I couldn’t help it.
For real, if anyone ever told me I made sounds like a dying bird, I would never have a sexual experience with another person for as long as I live 😂😂
I can’t stop laughing. This man tongued you like a lizard, made bird noises, and fingered you like he was trying to find loose change under the seat. 10/10 on your writing.
I wonder how he tells this story.. 🤔😂
>My husband is leaning over me laughing right now.
This is a great line!!!
Hilarious and refreshing😂😂😂something nice and different from the usual stories on this sub
I had something like this! There was this guy, he was a year younger than me. He was so handsome, in the football team. He was so dreamy all the girls wanted him. We used to hang out from time to time because he was friends with my friends. Well after a game he gave me a ride home, we stopped at a park and we start making out, I mean he was a great kisser. I decided I was gonna have sex with him, well he has me get a condom from a little compartment I’m the glove box. He puts it on and starts humping me (we are in his car on the driver seat, I’m on top) I keep asking him I don’t think you are in.. like I don’t feel anything, he tells me he is.. I realize then that he has a micropenis… I was devastated, unsatisfied and embarrassed. I let him finish and have him drive me home. We never spoke after that. I saw him a few years later and it was so awkward.
*reads title* oh no
*reads first line* **OH NO**
I am dying 💀
Also I **hate** how news spreads in small towns. There is a direct line that can be drawn from the rumors spread about me in high school to my increasingly bad experience with Chronic Fatigue 🙃
Also I forced myself to orgasm when I lost my virginity. That was an experience I am glad is impossible for me to relive
As someone who banged a literal (local) rock star and was SUPER disappointed, this story gave me life!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Too bad squats and deadlifts don’t make you better at sexual pacing and intuition
😂😂😂😂😂
*ahem*
Sorry for your loss
Update me
“To get this dying bird off me” MAAM THANK YOU FOR MAKING MY DAY BETTER.
I’m joining your husband in laughing because this story is comedy gold!
Even this type of story needs to be told. We all have them! Thanks for leading the way and divulging yours.
Great story and well written. I had a good laugh at your commentary.
A female friend shared a similar experience with me recently. She had grown up in a small town and was buddies with a neighbour boy. He grew up and by high school he was godlike. Girls were falling all over him but my friend was permanently friend-zoned. Finally, after high school, they hooked up. She said it was awful. He did absolutely nothing for her. Oddly enough, he told his buddies it was fantastic.
Your husband has me dying right now.
> He apologizes profusely for coming in my mouth without permission and I don’t know how to tell him that was not what I had an issue with.
This part had me dying 😂
Omg i’m howling at this 😂😂
I love how he went from being a lizard to a dying bird.