The ultimate condom quest [FM]

*Ive been trying to write a vulnerable story and can’t get though it. Enjoy this fun one as I tease it out…*

I’m an excellent wingman. Really, I’m the fucking best.

Even when I might have partaken in certain substances.

Two of my best friends met at a music festival a couple of years ago. I knew they would fuck before they did. They’re both hot and cool AF. She’s a cute hippie and he’s a southern catch who had just been cheated on.

We stayed in two tents. I offered to stay with Hippie Friend but she said she didn’t mind sharing with Southern Boy. She claimed she didn’t want to split up my husband and me, but I couldn’t help but roll my eyes.

*Yall are about to fuck.*

The first night we were there we hear them stay up talking to 5:00. The next morning they crawl out of bed looking like hell and I assume they had finally fucked. I cornered Southern Boy later for details but he shrugged me off and said neither of them have a condom.

*Who TF doesn’t bring a condom to a music festival? What is this? A festival for amateurs?*

So early that morning I start drinking and other things. I am pretty wasted by noon and see a tiny “store.” I tell my friend I’m going to go buy him condoms.

They. Do. Not. Have. Them.

*Read the room music festival planners! Do you really want these folks to reproduce?*

I am so fucking bothered by this. I rant about how condoms should be free at a music festival for twenty minutes to my husband until he finally looks over and says, “Viola love, my brain is going like at half speed right now. I’m going to need you to slow way down or find something you’re less angry about.”

I let it go for all of twenty minutes, but I cannot get off this nagging feeling of being incomplete. Like an injustice in the world had not been set right.

*I was in a REALLY interesting mind space.*

I should also probably note that my husband and I had met a topless fire dancer who would periodically come and make out with one of us throughout the day. It was hella hot if I do say so myself.

*Sometimes I don’t believe my own stories. A topless fire dancer? Yes, I will write more about her later. This story is just funny.*

Anyway, I look over after making out with this goddess and Hippie friend has her hand over her face. “It’s a sad day when the married couple is getting more action than you.”

She’s right. This is a travesty. I cannot and will not let my dear friends go unfucked.

I don’t know what come over me, but I spring into action and announce that I am going on a journey to find a condom. I tell my friends I will not return until this quest is complete.

*Pretty sure some LOR came out at some point.*

“Viola…” My husband tries and trails off. “You’re fucked up. Are you ok to go alone? Just be safe.”

*This I will always remember until I die.*

I look back at him with 100%, complete dramatic sincerity and say, “I do this for them to be safe, and I must go alone.”

Then I run away.

*My husband always says marriage to me is never boring.*

I start out slow and polite. I kindly go up to a group of college kids I assume must be horny. I introduce myself and ask if anyone has a condom.

A kid answers “No.”

A girl turns to him with a funny look and mouths something. Her friend sees this and says something like, “I knew those two were fucking.”

*Holy shit, scandal!*

The first girl denies it and the second asks if she’s even thought about how Melissa would feel if she knew.

*Holy fuck, who is Melissa?*

The man with no condom tells them both they’re overreacting.

That’s when I realize that I am still standing over them watching this unfold for about 30 seconds too long. I gently smile and walk away.

The quest must continue.

I pass by a giant rainbow tent and believe I have hit the jackpot.

*Gay people are responsible AF.*

I walk up to the only person at their camp who is playing a glitter bongo drum. I have to take a minute to stare because I am fucked up and not totally sure I wasn’t through the looking glass.

I ask, “Good sir…”

*Why TF did I say that?*

“…Do you have a condom you can spare?”

He smiles up at me. This dude is tripping balls. “Like a sex condom?”

“The only and only?”

He puts the drum down and comes up to me. “What’s your name?”

“Viola.”

“Viola, how badly do you need this condom?”

“My best guy friend was cheated on last year and he has a chance to fuck my super hot hippie friend.”

“The thing is,” he pointed to a group of men playing frisby. “Do you see that man? The one with ten rows of abs?”

*I did indeed. Holy fuck, Bango Drums was about to get slammed.*

“The really hot one?”

“I brought one condom and I need to fuck this dude tonight. Look at that man and assess the situation. If a man needs sex more than me, I will give up my condom.”

The hot dude ran and caught the frisbee out of the air.

“I cannot take this away from you. Also… that man is fine as hell.”

We high-fived and he wished me good luck on my quest.

*There is no community quite like the bonds of music festivals.*

I got momentarily distracted by a sensory garden and had to put the quest on hold as I listened to Pink Floyd and watched the colors of a neon tree change above me.

The quest had to go on!

I decided to follow my gut, passing multiple people and eyeing them, judging whether or not they seemed like the kind who were having protected sex.

Alas, I came across a group of teenage boys who I’m fairly certain were still in high school. They asked me if I was lost and I told them I was only on a quest.

*I did not elaborate or take questions at that time.*

Finally, I asked if anyone of them had a condom. One said he’d give me three if I lifted my shirt.

*His voice shook when he said it. This dude was not used to talking to women.*

“Are you like twelve?”

“I’m nineteen,” he said defensively.

“Look, you’re going to have so much sex in your safe. Protected sex apparently, because you’re 19 and prepared. However, you are not going to use an entire box in a day. My friend was cheated on last year and really, really needs to get laid. Please, for the love of your brethren, help this man out.”

He threw me a roll, I blessed him and told him he was a dear. I even stayed and had a drink with them. After we got past the “condom for boobs” attempt, they weren’t half-bad.

Then I realized I was hanging with a bunch of teenagers. I bid them goodbye and ran back towards my campsite, waving a roll of condoms in the air like I had just found the Horny Grail.

It turns out everyone in my campsite was so fucked up they hadn’t moved much. Also fire dancer girl was performing nearby and had them all mesmerized.

“I found them!” I announced as I threw the roll towards Southern Boy.

“That’s where you’ve been?” My hippie friend asked. I think she was too messed up to be embarrassed.

“It was a journey.”

Later that night I heard them fucking in the tent beside us. She was saying his name and he was telling her she felt so tight.

*Fuck yeah! Get it.*

My husband leans over and whispers, “I blame you for this.”

“I know! I’m the best.”

We then proceeded to fuck as he whispered I looked hot kissing our fire dancer.

*Yes that story will come…*

Source: reddit.com/r/gonewildstories/comments/svbutw/the_ultimate_condom_quest_fm