I’m going to warn you now, this is purely a humorous post that gets a little strange.
So I get weird in bed. TBH, I generally have to ease most folks into my kinkiness because I have freaked people out. There is very little I won’t do.
…Or so I thought.
When I was studying for the bar I used to regularly go on tinder dates as a distraction. It was a weird time. I was stressed and really just needed to get out.
So I meet up with a dude one evening. If I’m being honest I’m not sure if we have real chemistry. He’s a little too full of himself and makes one too many lawyer jokes. Because I’m pretty sure this isn’t going anywhere, I’m a little more honest than usual. Also, I had like 3 martinis and was feeling brave.
We start talking about sex.
“Is it true what they say about lawyers in bed?” He asks.
“What do they say?”
“That their… you know, rigid?”
I almost spit out my drink. “Is that a thing people say? I don’t think anyone has ever described me like that for what it’s worth.”
“How do they describe you?”
I shrug. Im not about to tell him I have been described as “batshit crazy.”
He gets a twinkle in his eyes though. “You’re not a virgin are you?”
I almost choke again. “No, I wouldn’t say that.”
H smirks. “You’re one of *those,* aren’t you?”
“I don’t know what you mean.”
*I do but I’m going to make him say it.*
He explains that folks have indeed described him as “kinky” and that he can be “domineering.”
*Is it just me or do we possibly have chemistry after all?*
Long story short, we end up at my place and I have every intention of hooking up. We also start getting pretty real.
He asks me about weird things I’ve done in bed, and I tell him some of my stories.
*I have a lot and he’s intrigued.*
I ask him the same question and his whole face lights up.
“I’m really into bondage…”
*Fuck yes, me too!*
“…I like to incorporate food…”
*Hell yes, I’m all about dessert.*
“…But the kinkiest thing I’ve ever done is probably that time I waterboarded a girl with my urine.”
*Wait, what?*
I’m not even sure how I reacted. I think my face stayed blank as I tried to wrap my head around what I had just heard.
“Oh shit,” he said. “Did I just freak you out?”
“I… have a few questions. How does one do this exactly?”
“I peed in a jug for two weeks and kept it in the fridge.”
“So you planned this?”
“Yes.”
“Where did you learn to waterboard someone?”
“Reddit.”
*Fuck all of you btw.*
“Ok so… you met the girl-“
“-at a BDSM conference.”
*There it is.*
“And you just said, ‘Hey, you want to get waterboarded with my urine?’”
“Um well, I had laid down tarp so she asked what it was for and I told her what I wanted to do.”
“You laid down a tarp? She saw the tarp and didn’t think she was going to get murdered?”
He shrugged. “She was into it.”
*Maybe I’m being judgmental. I mean, I’ve done weird things.*
“Alright, so you covered her face with a towel?”
“And made her lean back and then poured urine over her face.”
“And then-“
“-I made her eat dog food.”
*Eating dog food is the mother fucking tamer part of this story.*
“And then?”
“I made her take a shower and then I fisted her.”
“Ok man, I have to ask this… Did you pay her?”
“Yes.”
*There it is.*
He continued. “She wasn’t a prostitute though. She wanted to get paid as part of the fantasy so I gave her a dollar.”
*What?*
“I don’t know what to say.”
“Are you ok?”
I was having an actual identity crisis. “Yes, I’m just realizing I might not be kinky after all.”
“Well it’s not like I’m about to pull out a tarp. We can do whatever.”
“So do you let people do things to you or do you just do these things to women?”
*In other words, are you a sadist bro?*
“Oh no, I’ve let a woman shit in my mouth before.”
*Ok, I am in over my head.*
We sat very awkwardly for a while and he tries to kiss me. But idk, I know too much about what’s been in this mouth at this point.
I pulled away. “Ok, I’m going to say words I never thought would escape my mouth: you might be too kinky for me.”
He laughed. “I really don’t mind! We can take it slow and I can teach you whatever you need!”
“The thing is, I don’t think I would ever want to shit in someone’s mouth or, you know, anything else the ICC might classify as a crime against humanity.”
His face drops. “I shouldn’t have told you.”
“No! No! I mean no disrespect. I love kinky people, I just think our kinks might not be aligned.”
“But… what if I toned it down? We could do some minor domineering.”
“What do you consider minor?”
He thought about this. “I don’t know. I could maybe just pee on you in the shower?”
*We are not on the same page.*
We parted ways.
We actually stayed friends for a while and he’s still on my social media. He regularly sends me pics of baby animals and memes about cryptocurrency.
Source: reddit.com/r/gonewildstories/comments/ruo8tx/the_man_who_outkinked_me_fm
A tarp and 2 weeks of pee is intense
There’s enjoying taboo things, and then there’s enjoying things *because* they’re taboo. The latter ends up spiralling off endlessly, because there’s a lot of taboo things and some of them have pretty good reasons why.
I have to say, though: the weeks of planning, I respect. No matter what the specific kink may be, that level of dedication to sexual enjoyment is respectable and universally applicable.