I want to feel [F, vanilla]

It’s hard to write the things I enjoy writing when I feel disconnected. Maybe that is a good thing. Maybe I should do that more often – disconnect. Write to something that doesn’t exist, to someone that doesn’t exist. So what would I write? What do I want to just… feel?

——

I want to feel good on my own.

I want to turn the music up in the kitchen and dance while baking. I want to feel my skin buzz and my head go blank. I want to wear comfy socks without the anti-skid bullshit so I can skate around the title floor. I want to practice camel and scratch spins. I want to focus on the kick drum and pretend my right foot knows what its doing. I want to skip the lyrics so I can’t tell when one song ends and the next starts. I want to lose time without having to apologize.

I want to work out in a loose shirt and colorful leggings, and not pretend I am anywhere other than my bathroom. I want to lift weights slowly and feel how breathing makes a difference. I want to play high-tempo music that doesn’t remind me of anything. I want to listen to female singers say things like, “These boys aint shit.” I want to do a yoga routine with my eyes closed and feel the different parts of me activate and pull. I want to use the mirror as a guide and not a critic.

I want to shower while blasting techno-swing as loud as I can. I want to close my eyes and sway my hips and not imagine anyones hands on me. I want to stand under the water for longer than I need to and not feel bad about wasting it. I want to use a brand new razor and that coffee scrub I’ve been saving. I want to have smooth, easy skin. I want to focus on the water and not have my mind spin up scenarios and conversations.

I want to step into a plain, black thong and see how flat the fabric lays on my hip bones. I want to look in the mirror at a flat stomach and thin legs and be proud of the things I’ve let go. I want to slide into fresh, dryer-sheet-soft covers and blankets with bare skin. I want to stretch my neck from side to side, wrap my hair up under it, and let it fall above my head. I want to close my eyes and feel the bed spin. I want to smile and lean into the rotations.

I want to run my hands up cold, smooth thighs and shiver to get warm. I want to feel my collar bone and shoulders stretch and release. I want to lay on my stomach and push my knee up to the side. I want to notice the things I think about when I start to get wet. I want to be in charge, to be withholding, to not care. I want to ignore insecurities and shyness and anxieties. I want to do what I want without asking permission or fearing what the response would be. I want to separate physical from emotional.

I want to feel my toes curl and liquid pool on the sheets. I want to open my mouth and let out whatever sounds have been building up inside my chest. I want to feel steady, unwavering vibration that isn’t tied to anyone or modified by my own performance. I want to close my eyes tight, feel my hamstring shake, my stomach pulled towards my spine, my thoughts go silent. I want to feel overwhelmed, exhausted, spent. I want to collapse.

I want to feel my heart rate slow and my breathing regulate. I want to smile and not feel guilty. I want to be thankful for a large, empty bed that lets me sleep diagonal across the entire thing, or curled into one tiny corner. I want to fall asleep before my brain has time to turn back on, to avoid things I pretend to ignore.

I really just want to feel good on my own. I want to be complete. On my own. I want to be OK.

Source: reddit.com/r/eroticliterature/comments/rkse2a/i_want_to_feel_f_vanilla