The weirdest dude I ever fucked [MF]

I’m pretty sure I’m still processing this damn story years later.

I don’t really like one-night stands. I think it takes a while to get to know someone’s body and sexual preferences. I also get kinky and it’s hard to establish that level of trust over the course of an evening.

However, I LOVED dating. When I was studying for the bar, Tinder was my best friend. I didn’t really take it seriously, but it was a nice way to get out of the house.

I matched with a dude once who wasn’t normally my type. He just kind of seemed like a gym bro which isn’t my thing. However, I was bored and wanted to chat.

He had some very interesting things to say…

I messaged “hi” and he immediately went off about family drama and his latest breakup. He went into CRAZY detail about his job and his workout regiment. He then wrote me a poem.

I very kindly told him I wasn’t really vibing and wished him good luck. He messaged back, “That’s totally fine, but I still want to fuck you if you ever change your mind. Do you want to see a picture of my penis?”

I did not.

However, he REALLY wanted to send me a dick pic. he kept chatting about obscure aspects of his life and then would randomly be like, “Do you want that pic now?”

TBH, I was bored and his ramblings were kind of entertaining so I kept responding. He was definitely crazy, but there was an underlying charm. Plus, I actually thought it was cool he was waiting for my consent before sending a dick pic. That was a courtesy I didn’t usually get.

Finally, after three days of this dude ranting about everything from Pokemon cards to how he hates Christmas, I inform him I will accept his pic. Color me curious.

*Um… Wow.*

I could suddenly see why he was so eager for me to see, but I’m going to be honest this still didn’t do it for me.

*In my experience, large dicks are actually not correlated with good sex.*

Still, I’m now invested. We start sexting. Bro, this guy knew was he was doing. He tells me he LOVES eating pussy and goes into great detail about his method. He informs me he needs a break so he could get off to the thought of him going down on me.

He also says some things that are peculiar at best. He says he wants to lick my face. He also says he’s fantasizing about the thought of getting me pregnant and wants me to punch him when he comes.

*Not really my thing but ok.*

I don’t understand how or why this is working, but his unyielding confidence was weirdly attractive. He’s also so fucking crazy I am positive we will never date, so I’m kind of enticed by the idea of raw honesty.

I tell him I like being dominated and he’s like, “I normally sub but I’d top for you, Lovely Lady.”

*Why is this working on me? I have no fucking idea.*

Finally, we meet up and this dude is even crazier in person. He is not wearing a shirt but has a blazer on and a scarf. It’s 30 degrees out.

*TBF, he does have great abs*

I ask what he does for a living and he talks for 20 minutes about his place in the universe without actually giving me an answer. I finally start making out with him because I’m slightly afraid if he keeps talking I’m going to lose all attraction. Im still trying to figure out why I’m attracted to him at all. He’s objectively hot but so fucking weird.

“I want to take you home and make love to this body until our souls meld,” he says.

*Weird line, bro. What the hell though?*

So we get to my house and he tells me he loves the energy of my apartment. I literally have two pieces of furniture. The place is riddled with notecards and law books but I guess that’s an energy.

This dude picks me up like we just got married and takes me to my bedroom. He lays me down very, very gently and gets on his knees.

*Why the fuck is this working?*

He takes off my sneakers, starts rubbing my feet and dead ass says, “My lady, could I have the pleasure of sucking on your toes?”

*seriously? This is a first.*

I give an awkward shrug and he goes to fucking town. I can’t tell if I’m turned on or fascinated by this exchange but this bro is just sucking away and making very odd noises.

“I would now like you to remove your clothes so I can massage your entire body,” he says.

“Seriously?”

“Yes please.”

*This is the weirdest fucking foreplay of my life.*

I do as he says. I get naked, lie facedown on the bed, and let him massage my entire body very, very slowly. It’s actually pretty sensual. Up until that moment I wasn’t even sure I was going to fuck him, but this is doing it for me.

“Could I have permission to fuck you with my tongue, ma’am?”

“Um… yeah?”

He kicks into hyper mode. He flips me over and starts aggressively making out with me. Then, without much of a transition, this dude’s head is right between my legs. Instead of starting to perform that partial at act, this dude just stares at it for a very long time.

“I have dreamed of you many times, little friend,” he says as he strokes me. “I look forward to your magic.”

*This is weird AF, but it’s somehow, someway working. I’m super turned on.*

He puts his tongue in my clit and goes to town. Damn it, he’s fucking awesome at it. He puts his hands under my ass so he can pull me toward him and REALLY dives in.

“Come for me, Princess,” he says.

*I really wish he’d stop talking but he’s so good with his tongue I let it slide.*

I arch my back but he just goes deeper and harder. And I fucking orgasm. I slightly hate myself for it because this interaction has been so weird, but fuck he’s good.

He comes back up to kiss me and tells me to “taste myself.” That’s actually pretty hot. This is working.

“I’d like to introduce you to my dearest friend,” he says as he pulls his pants down.

*I REALLY wish this guy would dirty talk like a normal person, but his dick is very, very large.*

“Can you play with it?” He asks.

“I’m bad at handjobs. I really like sucking dick though.”

*That is a fact. I am not good with my hands.*

I’m starting to get on my knees but he stops me. “Oh, I don’t like that.”

“You don’t like what?”

“I don’t like being on the receiving end of this act.”

*I don’t mean to kink shame here… but I thought that was biologically impossible.*

“I would really like to make love to you though,” he explains.

He turns me around and puts himself into me. “Your ass is a work of art.”

*Bro, just fuck me!*

“I love that you’re this tight for me,” he says.

*ok, that’s better.*

He goes very, very slow and it feels amazing. Absolutely fucking amazing. Shit, this guy is weirdly good at fucking.

“Play with yourself,” he tells me.

I do and he actually starts matching my pace. The faster I go, the more he speeds up until he’s finally slamming into me. As I climax, he pulls himself out.

“I don’t want to do that inside of you.”

*What?*

“Do I have permission to pleasure myself while looking at your naked body?”

“Um… sure?”

And so he does. He stares looks me in the eye the entire time too.

“Do you want to come on my face or something?” I ask.

*NGL, I wasn’t sure how to respond to this, but I make a note to unpack that I skipped right to “face cum” with my therapist.*

“I’d like to come in your toes.”

“Um, ok.”

He does and it’s surprisingly hot. I’m not sure why. I think it’s because he’s just really into it.

Afterward he asks if he can spend the night and I politely explain I have to work in the morning.

*I don’t but I’m still a little afraid of what else is going to come out of this dude’s mouth.*

We never saw each other again, making him one of the very few people I ever casually slept with. Weirdly enough, I put this in the “good sex” column of my history, it was just weird AF.

I hope he’s still out there, making women come and finding more toes to suck.

Source: reddit.com/r/gonewildstories/comments/ri642i/the_weirdest_dude_i_ever_fucked_mf