UPDATE:
So i talked with her and she admitted to having teased him but said she did not get him off. She said she did it very shortly and his pants stayed on the entire time. But the fact she did this without consent and did not think much of it made it seem worse. She also admitted to sending him a couple of pics of her feet through snapchat which she showed me (None were explicit). I asked her why she felt inclined and she said it was to make him feel better after his ex left him bc she couldn’t handle his fetish. This made me question if she had done anything else before so i asked and she said she thought of giving him a footjob but she felt bad and decided to not go through with it. I am kinda just wanting to try a fwb and abandon the relationship aspect. Bc it seems like she wants to be available for more than just me in terms of pleasing.
Source: reddit.com/r/gonewildstories/comments/qsirgj/update_gf22_gave_m22_a_handjob_under_a_blanket
You’re getting walked on here bro. No problem doing kinkier stuff if it’s communicated between the three of you. For her to not even care to let you know, as harmless as it might be from her perspective, major red flag. Plus, foot stuff is for garbage people
The simplest and oldest adage of ethical non-monogamy: talk to them!
You’re totally allowed to not be okay with how things have already gone down and, regardless of what people on the internet say, what happens next can be a bunch of different things. But it all starts by talking to them.
The #1 issue I’ve seen in younger people doing non-monogamy is being afraid to talk about things for fear of the other person freaking out and reacting poorly. But if you take non-monogamy out of the equation, typical relationships have all kinds of “if I bring this up, it might end our relationship” topics. Do you want kids? Are you okay giving up your job for me? Would you be interested in trying <sex thing>?
If monogamy is important to you and they freak out because you ask for that, then it’s as big of a deal as if you want kids and they don’t. Same thing if non-monogamy is important to you, and for every shade in between.
You’ve got an opportunity here to learn something about your own communication style (12 years of poly, I’m still learning) as well as show her that the two of you can have these conversations without them blowing up into screaming matches, regardless of whether you both totally eye to eye. Whether or not you two stay together, and regardless of HOW you stay together if you do, this is a great opportunity for you. Either you stay together in a more mutually beneficial and pleasing way, or you part ways and you’ve gotten some good practice at open communication for a future relationship.
She’s guilty of more than sending snaps.
If she’s not respecting your relationship now, you shouldn’t expect her to improve in the future. I believe it’s time to cut your losses.