Self Therapy

I’ve decided that I would start posting on here as a form of self therapy. Lately I’ve been troubled by anxiety and depression. Part of that I feel stemming from the downturn in the sexual relationship with my wife and I. There used to be a time when we couldn’t keep our hands off each other. But after a baby, steep increase in work, and almost nine years together, three of which being married our sex life has become a bit mundane and vanilla. That’s not to say we don’t have our occasional interludes of passion but the majority for the most part is repetitive and by the numbers. I’ve come to doubt myself sexually in the bedroom with her. Whereas I used to feel confident and sure of myself giving my sexual experience I no longer feel as if she truly enjoys me let alone desires me. It’s left me feeling awkward and doubtful as to how to please her. I told her a few months back that I at least wanted to have sex once or twice a week but even that seems like a chore to her I feel. I can’t tell if she genuinely enjoys it anymore organically or if she’s just placating me and filling her quota for the week. There have been times of frustration in which I’ve told her it didn’t count because it didn’t seem genuine. She’s told me that I shame her for feeling like it’s not good enough or that it doesn’t count and I realized in that moment how it must seem and the deep regret I feel about my words and actions. Sometimes I just feel lost. I no longer pursue having sex with her; partially because I don’t want her to feel pressured and because she’s told me sometimes she thinks that’s all I care about but also because no matter my interest we would only do it on her terms or schedule. I don’t desire other women, by that I mean while I look at other women and can acknowledge their attractiveness I don’t crave or desire them sexually. I genuinely only want my wife. But I feel like that’s not good enough anymore, at least not for her. Sometimes I think she’s bored of me. There is little spontaneity now a days. We used to tell each other stories of our youthful sluttiness without divulging what was fiction or truth and of late it’s only me trying. She’s never worn lingerie for me, hates the type of clothes I like to see her in (mostly due to her own insecurity), and doesn’t have any interest anymore in being sexual or flirty when not in the privacy of our home. Occasionally she will send me a sexy pic of herself when out with friends, traveling, or at work events. But sexting itself has become rare and few and far between. I’ve tried repeatedly in the past but it would become painfully clear it wasn’t something she had time for and possibly little interest. I just don’t know what to do… I find myself withdrawing at times. I’m afraid to put myself out there or try and initiate because I’m tired of getting shot down whether because it’s not a good time or she’s not in the mood. I sometimes would try to have sex with her in the night (albeit without me realizing it sometimes) only to be rejected or for her to go through with it but clearly not enjoy it. Now we put pillows between us so I don’t wake her up and if I do happen to be horny I just go downstairs to watch porn and jack off. Sometimes I think it’s only a matter of time before she finds someone else if she hasn’t already; and if not sexually then at least emotionally.

Anyways, I’m hoping that by posting on here I can get out some of my sexual frustration. I plan to share sex stories, some true from my past and some made up. I figure since this is anonymous it wont matter, and perhaps others may enjoy them while helping me to purge the tension I feel from day to day.

Source: reddit.com/r/eroticliterature/comments/ozuwlt/self_therapy