Feedback please! Trying switching points of view…

It was only 4:30 pm on a warm spring Friday afternoon and I was already in the kitchen prepping the veggies and meat for grilling. I had logged off a little early and took advantage of the extra time by taking a refreshing shower and changing into a comfy outfit of soft gray lacy shorts and a low-cut long sleeved tee shirt in a cheery watermelon color. I felt my body loosen as I put my earbuds in to listen to some dance music and then pulled out the peppers, onions and tomatoes that would join the marinated chicken on the kebabs I was going to assemble. I was focused on chopping and marinating and didn’t hear you come upstairs from your home office – I was blissfully working as I did silly dance moves.

I shut down my laptop with a weary sigh and the puddle of dog beside me twitched and he lifted his head expectantly. “Time to go find that woman we live with, buddy”, I said scratching his head and kissing his snoot. We made our way upstairs and the sight that greeted me made my lips curl into a smile and my cock twitch ever so slightly. You were slicing peppers and swaying your hips in time with some beat only you could hear. I leaned against the door frame to watch you…hoping you’d sing too. You always got a little shy to sing or dance for me and I wasn’t going to squander this rare opportunity. Those hips and ass swaying captivated me…I felt my cock harden and my hand instinctively gripped it gently thru my soft jogger pants as my eyes drank in the sight.

Source: reddit.com/r/Erotica/comments/nsket6/feedback_please_trying_switching_points_of_view

3 comments on “Feedback please! Trying switching points of view…

  1. I like it. I also find myself writing female points of view, and try ti read more female – written stories to get a better feel for it. I’m sure it would work the other way as well. Keep it up!

  2. What I know from the first POV is:

    – knocks off work early
    – showers
    – wears comfy clothes,
    – dance music, relaxing
    – silly dancing

    What I know from the second POV is:

    – not happy with work
    – likes dog, maybe doesn’t like the woman
    – likes watching the woman dance
    – intimacy, seems to like the woman
    – woman is shy w/ dance and singing
    – erotic feelings

    The POV switch gave me a lot of context in two paragraphs but you could probably have done similarly with just one pov if the woman had noticed the man watching, his weary body language, his smile, his erection.

    I love the POV switch when it tells me something completely unknowable from the other viewpoint. What I got here was that the woman is shy about singing and dancing in front of him. If that’s the desired message then great. But I would suggest putting something just a touch more juicy in each POV that the other cant know but the reader gets to know.

    e.g.
    – I thought about you in the shower and my clit tingled. You have been working so hard on this work project, you haven’t had time for much else. I desperately want you to put the moves on me tonight… but I don’t want to dump more pressure on you.
    – I watch your ass sway with the music that only you can hear. I want so badly to bury my face in it, to tongue your butthole, to please you. But I fear you’d think I’m a freak if I tell you. You freaked out when I asked you to snowball me and I have been gun-shy ever since.

    My long-winded feedback is do the POV switch to amp up your story with something unknowable by the other characters rather than just to tell two sides of a story. At least, in the paragraph style you used here.

    If you are doing a change of scene or across chapters then you are spot on.

  3. Cool. Most people prefer female POV. But you’re good even in male POV. Do what you preferred

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