TW: references to sexual assault
Most people are initiated into love gently. Sex is an exciting, exhilarating opportunity to share love and pleasure and dive deeper into a relationship. Girls dress up their Barbies as brides and dream of the day when someone will come sweep them off their feet. Boys, when they finally realize they’re interested, long for someone to have fun with, to protect, to have adventures with.
My initiation was a hard shove off a cliff. I was six years old the first time I was touched. Nine when I lost my virginity to my seventeen year old neighbor. Rape is such a mild word to describe what happened. And I didn’t lose my virginity so much as it was ripped from my body and the lack of it nearly killed me. The next time wasn’t as hard because i was in too much pain for more pain to register.
When I was twelve, and we moved, I thought I would be able to start fresh.
Adulthood has taught me so much about love, but so much of it was excruciating.
There’s so much more of my story left to tell you. But when you talk to me, parts of me open that I thought were closed forever. I want you in ways I can’t explain. My body reacts so intensely that I fall into bed each night completely spent, unused to feeling this way.
But it hurts.
I’m afraid.
Because you get me so high, when I fall, when it ends, because it will – no one stays for me – I’m gonna land so hard. Too hard.
It sounds like I’m in love with you. But you’ll never hear me say that, because every time I have I have fallen like a meteor through the cosmos of the love I have to offer and disintegrated on impact with the truth.
Source: reddit.com/r/eroticliterature/comments/jtim9i/waking_up_is_painful_tw_sexual_assault
Jesus bro u good?