I am hypersexual and have a number of kinks stemming from years of sexual assault and abuse. I like to cope with what happened to me by reenacting the abuse scenarios with safe partners, which I’m okay with, but I also have a penchant for unsafe sex, especially when I’m upset and triggered. I have worked for years to overcome these harmful coping mechanisms, replacing them with safe role play with trusted partners.
I opened a profile on reddit after my sex-positive therapist and I decided it might help me to share my stories online, both with other survivors who can relate to me and in some sex story subs where I can explore my kink for reenacting the abuses but try it in writing. By and large, it’s been a really positive experience.
Unfortunately, for the past couple of days, I got into a heated dialogue with someone who accused me of lying. I don’t know why exactly, but the way he confronted me just brought back all the memories and trauma of being told I wanted the abuse and not being believed the handful of times I tried to stop it. I sexually developed young and have an extremely responsive body (I cum easily and frequently), so my abusers would make sure I orgasmed so they could manipulate me into thinking I was complicit. Being told in no uncertain terms yesterday that I wanted attention and didn’t actually experience the abuse was so triggering. I should have just blocked and ignored the guy, but I didn’t. I usually do. For every five supportive people there’s at least one asshole or creep. But Instead, I spiraled.
After arguing with the piece of shit online last night, I left the house I’m sheltering in (I live with people at risk for Covid and have been quarentining to keep them safe) and went looking for someone to fuck me. I dressed in skimpy clothing, a sheer tank top and short tight skirt with high heels and no underwear, and went to a bar. I ordered a few shots to dull the pain and anxiety and was open for business. I ended up fucking four guys without using protection.
The first was a stocky guy in his 40’s with black hair, a flannel shirt, and a saints baseball cap. I let him screw me in the accessible bathroom, which was a single stall bathroom. He bent me over the sink and had his way with me. He smelled like oil and gasoline, and even though he was rather quick, I came three times while he fucked me, and the release started to make me feel better.
The next guy was an overweight bald guy who looked to be in his 50’s or 60’s wearing a confederate flag shirt. I’m LGBTQ+ and anti-racist would never engage with someone overtly racist, but I was so fucked up I didn’t care. He was a smoker and I followed him outside the bar to an alley and bummed a smoke, then took my top off, exposing my tits to him, and asked him if he wanted to have some “fun.” He marched over and fondled my chest and I let him put his grubby fat fingers inside me, then I blew him and let him fuck me in the ass. I came once when he fingered me and three more times when he fucked me.
After fucking guy number two, I went to the bathroom to clean off and get his gross semen out of my body. While I was in there, I started to think about fucking the guy in the bathroom earlier in the evening and masterbated a few times on the toilet. I didn’t try to hide what I was doing, and I’m sure other women in the restroom heard me, which just made me more turned on.
It was about 1am when I left the bathroom and went back to the bar. The bar closed at 2:30am, so I had a few more drinks. Right as last call came around, I noticed two guys in their 40’s. They looked blue color and were making crass and vulgar jokes about women, so when they left after last call for a smoke outside, I decided to follow them. They eagerly gave a cig to a pretty young girl, and we all walked over to the end of the parking lot near a park. I sat on the hood of an old pickup with a for sale sign on it and made small talk. As I puffed the cigarette, I spread my legs wide so they could see under my skirt, then I took my shirt off, flashing them my tits. They started to laugh with each other at how horny I was saying things like, “Check this bitch out! She’s crazy!” I stood up and bent over the car so my skirt came up and flashed them my ass and pussy. One of them approached me and grabbed my ass cheek. I turned around, shirt still off and he cautiously but eagerly started to grope my chest. I reached down and touched my pussy, masterbating while he fondled my tits. I announced I was going to cum and he went all in and started licking my neck. His buddy was just standing there saying, “Be careful, man” so I whispered in his ear that I wanted them both at the same time and he told his buddy who got over to me fast. I grabbed their hands and pulled them over to the grass area and got down on my hands and knees. I pulled BeCareful down on his knees in front of me and started to blow him. Then I pulled my skirt up around my waist and stared at NeckLicker until he got the hint and started to fuck me from behind. About half way through, they switched. I was in heaven, writhing and orgasming as they fucked and fondled me. Then BeCareful pulled out and came on my back. NeckLicker went around and started fucking my pussy again and I told him to cum inside me and I rubbed my clit as he did and came again. I cleaned up as best as I could, went back to the bar, had one more drink, settled my tab, and wandered home.
I woke up today and felt disgusted with myself. I showered for an hour, scrubbing every bit of my body. I haven’t had a relapse like that in a long time. I have a partner, and though he currently lives far away and we have an open relationship, I feel awful because I know it would make him so sad to know what I did last night. I think a lot of it has to do with everything else going on that’s been hard this year – the pandemic, global warming, going so long without a lot of sex – and that comment from the jerk yesterday just made me snap. The sad thing is, no matter how disgusted I feel right now, part of me wants to go back out and fuck some more. I haven’t had a relapse this bad since I started therapy. I am going to try to stay home, maybe smoke some pot and see if I can satisfy my urges safely at home with some toys.
Source: reddit.com/r/gonewildstories/comments/j2qtnq/fmm_i_relapsed_last_night_and_screwed_four
I’m sorry to hear about your relapse. I hope you can find the strength to get back on track. Perhaps aim to make it until your next session with your therapist without another. Good luck.
Wow that’s crazy
Sorry to hear about your relapse. Call your therapist for some help processing everything leading up to and through the relapse. Best of luck and sending you strength.
♥️
I hope that you can get back on track for your therapy and you get to enjoy your sex life more in the future
Dont be so hard on yourself relapse is part of recovery
Wow that’s so hot you dirty little slut I love the story I already came twice I am a 46 year-old man and I wished I was there to clean you up when they are done with you
i’ve seen a few gonewild girls i liked to follow, just get in an ugly comment fight with a few shitty people. and then they delete their account because those few shitbirds just ruin this site for them.
hell, i’ve even dealt with a few shitty people like that. and i found a way that makes me feel like i’ve won, and i never have to see them again.
after they make some shitty DM or comment, reply and bitch them out about whatever, call them a dumb lonely piece of shit who’s going to die alone (whatever insults you want). then block them. you will never see a comment or message of theirs ever again. they may still try to reply to your comments or posts, but you’ll never see it.
it will be like you’re completely ignoring them. reddit will never show you anything the put on the site, ever again. i’ve done this with 4 or 5 people now, and i dont even remember who those pathetic fucks are.
now to your relapse. have you looked in to a dopamine regulator? i think we get a big dopamine rush when we have sex (i don’t know if it’s just from the contact or from the climax). so i’m curious if a prescription, like wellbutrin, could help give you dopamine all the time, so you don’t have these deep valley’s where want to relapse into bad habbits again.
I’m sorry for the trauma you’ve suffered. It will be a long road to a full recovery, but you’ve already come so far.
Are you able to confide in any of the people you’re sheltering with? Can you trust any of them to help you through another relapse.
Since they’re at risk for covid 19, you might need to tell them that you had a relapse and went outside. It’s not going to be a comfortable conversation, but there is a risk that you brought covid home to them and they need to be aware of the hazards to their own health.
I wish you the best of luck with your coping and recovery.