II
Things were great with my girlfriend and I forced myself to get into a more spiritual driven life. I Decided to ignore the material world and the life of the body and seek my real identity in a way that excluded virtual sex. I wanted to know how I could redeem myself from the vain glory of my overly sexualized digital life. I started this redemption by telling my girlfriend a half truth about what I did. I told her I talked to girls who sent me pictures of her body and she did not talk to me for a month. I still to this day don’t know if it was a moment of weakness to tell her this or if my spiritual path would demand this action from me, but a big weight was released from my shoulders. I feared losing her forever and my mind was tortured for a month, but in the end I felt better because she got some revenge on me after what I did to her.
After a while, things got back to normal and she forgave me. We were a happy couple again and I saw in her eyes the old light coming to ignition. I loved her and never wanted to lose her. Even though our sex habits were a little repetitive, she was my partner and my basis for a stable life. Little by little she had a desire to try new things and started to lick and suck my penis regularly. Her mouth is small and my thick cock was difficult for her to completely put inside, so she would use her tongue from my balls to the tip of my pink head and then suck the top of the shaft, leaving it full of saliva which served as lubricant. She loved to play with my testicles because of their smoothness and always had her hands on them when masturbating me. When she started to lick them slowly and with pleasure, my first thought was that she was getting closer to my ass, and that aroused me even more. I already imagined her wet tongue around my butthole, licking up and down, and finally sliding it inside my anus.
After warming up, we usually had sex for about an hour or until she stopped getting pleasure. With great efforts, I could make her cum regularly. It required my fully erect cock inside of her, two of my fingers on her clitoris while grabbing one breast with the other hand, her ass would have to be slightly elevated by a pillow on her thighs, and it also required a tremendous amount of focus not to lose my erection while multitasking. After about ten minutes of this multiple stimulation, she would moan discreetly and I would feel a little squirt on my hands. My cock also became soaking wet with her fluids. Then, I would remove my dick from her pussy to cum on her ass cheeks while watching her beautiful butthole. Since she did not want me to lick her pussy, I returned the oral sex with an after-sex massage so she could sleep well.
So much time had passed from when I was documenting every part of my body that I started to wonder how I could have done the things I did. How I could have shown myself naked to the whole internet, leaving my pictures online forever, like a stain that will never leave my memory nor the memory of everyone that has seen me. I had great difficulty accepting my darkest side, the shadow path of perversion and lust, and never was I so humbled in life. I felt that I could never judge anyone for their actions because my sins were far greater than anyone I met. I did not commit a crime, but my soul was damaged by my lack of self control and I was starting to be paranoid about people from my real life knowing who I was.
After many years, the paranoia started to vanish, but still to this day I wonder if anyone I know has seen me on camera masturbating or someone told them I used to do it. A part of me is proud of the glory of webcam days because of my ideal aesthetics and the desire I brought to other people, so I cannot regret the things I’ve done, but it caused me too much trouble and anxiety for the possibility of being caught. However, I felt alive and full of adrenaline by the very thought of being observed naked and playing with myself. The risk made me feel something with meaning.
My life was never the same after my first nude post. I became a fugitive of my internet shadow. My mind became a slave to hiding my avatar, and so I started to strengthen myself for the worst possible situations that the future could bring me. It became hard to appear in public because I suspected that people knew what I did and probably many of them could have seen me in all fours being penetrated by a giant dildo and enjoying it very much. My desire was intense and repressed, and the freedom I had on the internet made me totally comfortable to enjoy myself with no boundaries.
I especially loved to fill my asshole with lube and slowly stick an XXL anal dildo inside me for at least half an hour. After that, I would remove the rubber cock and show my stretched hole gaping to the camera. It was a subtle gape that made my hole wink, and at each wink a considerable amount of lube would slide down my asshole like a pornstar expelling cum after being filled by five vigorous men during an hour of hardcore sex. I felt perverted but a part of me loved this dirty routine – the thrill of breaking a taboo, the total freedom outside the boundaries of society, and that gave me a rebellious pleasure. In addition, it was easy to escape reality when something big and solid is inside our anus and the cock is desperate to expel semen. I escaped my own demons by letting my body follow its more primitive instincts. On the internet, I could be a savage with no rules. I could expand myself and experiment with my body and mind. But too much freedom brought me unfortunate burdens, and my great burden was to hide my identity from the whole world.
Source: reddit.com/r/eroticliterature/comments/iyayzv/confessions_of_a_username_part_ii_a_semi