An ode to masturbation

*Sex is like eating a cake… If you do it alone, it starts as the best idea in the world but you always end up feeling kinda gross at the end.*

How’s that for the opening line of my soon-to-be cancelled Netflix special?

Tasha here. No, not my real name…. my mother wasn’t sixteen. I AM rather juvenile however as a fresh faced college student currently waiting for my education to start back up in this new age of distance. But that’s enough of the boring shit, you clicked because you wanna know *how I get off*.

It’s definitely a problem. I started learning my body at a young age and haven’t really let go since. Every smooth line, every curved edge of my female frame just aches to be played with one a daily basis and I do my best to satisfy it: whether that be sneaking away from a Zoom class, or sitting at the very back of a crowded bus…. I *need* it, and that’s where creepy internet boys like you come in.

Kidding. But not really.

So instead of showing me your trouser snake or telling me how you’d fingerbang me at your parent’s house, how about a little erotica? Show me your skills with a pen and your mastery of your tongue: whether that be building a lavish environment or painting the image of an absolute Adonis. Impress me…. and you may just get some orange tossed back your way. It’s the top of the hour, I’m due to get off again, right? Make me swoon enough and I may just share with you some of the steamy details.

Oh… and last joke of my future routine:

*Why is a limp dick like starting a bad lawn mower? After a few yanks, it’s probably best to give up.*

Goodnight everyone. Tip your waitresses.

Source: reddit.com/r/eroticliterature/comments/ik8i91/an_ode_to_masturbation