The time I [M] banged a Karen

So the my other stories were of exploits I’m proud of. Doing one a little different this time, this is a story I’ve never dared to tell. Too my great shame, I banged a Karen. Kinda funny, kinda sad. Here it goes!

This was a few years ago before Karen was a household name. But through tinder I matched with a lady who had the total Karen haircut, Karen face, Karen make up, and the list goes on. But alas, it was when I wore a younger mans clothes and I only realize the signs in hindsight. She was in her early thirties so probably early onset Karen syndrome.  She very quickly turned the chat sexual, and she wasn’t too shabby with the dirty talk so I got pretty turned on and from there on out I had major tunnel vision.  She was very open about the fact that she was married, but talked about how their marriage worked best if they had the freedom to play a little outside of it. So I was thinking ‘cool cool, a wife with a hall pass’. If it works for them it works for me. 

That weekend she says she’s going out with some girlfriends and I should come find her. So I get all dressed up and head on down to the bar she says they are at. When I get there she’s easy to spot (with the haircut). She’s short, and thicc. But definitely a Karen. But my boner blinders are still on and I’m still a horny young guy thinking he’s about to get laid. So I make my approach. She sees me coming and is giving me the eyes. As soon as I get up to her I got absolutely bombarded by a relentless monologue of her life, all its ups and downs and grievances (there were a lot). A lot of it was super repetitive stuff I had already heard while chatting. I was just sitting there sipping my beer and nodding my head, all the while thinking ‘wtf, she must be nervous or something’. I couldn’t get a word in. Her tone towards her hubby also kind of shifted. Sounded a little more resentful than before. I had a beer or two while listening to her go on and on. I think she noticed my vacant gaze, cause she abruptly slides her up my thigh, she asks if I want to sneak away from her friends for bit. Blinders back on, let’s go! (I know, I was the worst).

We were in a cute little touristy downtown area, there were lots of side streets and secluded parking lots behind businesses that I liked to park in. Makes for an easy departure. I hop in my car and she gets in the passenger seat and immediately starts making out with me. I think it was the first time she stopped talking about herself. She undoes my pants, she pulls me out and starts sucking me off. When ever she came up for air she always had something more to say about her husband, never anything good. ‘He’d never do this’, ‘he isn’t good at that’ and so on. I was thinking wow, this gal must really need a good dicking. She wiggles into the backseat and tells me to come back there. I’m not that shy, but still, I’d rather do things right. I’m not in highschool anymore. She tells she knows the sheriff so we won’t get in trouble. Sure she does. I most certainly audibly sighed as I climbed into the back seat. Shes still talking about how exciting this is and how boring her marriage is as I shuffle on back. So I’m thinking ‘all right, she’s gonna get it now. I’m going to fuck her breathless’ I hike her legs up over my shoulders and pin her down to the seat with a firm hand around her throat. She gasps and looks up at me, eyes wide with shock “YES! Exactly! My husband would never do anything like that! I love that dominant instict!” ….’omg’ I think to myself. ‘She never stops talking. This is terrible.’ The blinders finally come off, unfortunately I am realising this as I was sliding inside her. 

Quick side bar: When I’m really turned on and into it, I can last for hours. When I’m not particularly turned on, or I’m just going through the motions it’s not much different than giving myself a tug and it’s usually over pretty quick. At this point I was most certainly going through the motions. So I just powered through to get this over with. I don’t like finishing in condoms, had some close calls with them breaking on the final thrusts. So I asked where she wanted me to finish. I was hoping for a quick “in my mouth” for a fun finish, or at least just something concise. Instead I got some long-winded response and all I really heard was “I can’t get pregnant” I was confused because I couldn’t tell if she meant she literally couldn’t and carry on and just finish in the condom, or if she  really meant WHATEVER YOU DO DONT GET ME PREGNANT. Big diff. So I pulled out while trying to clarify, but the timing was all off and just had one of those super disappointing orgasms where you try to hold it back but don’t and it’s just kind of sputters out. A whimper, not a bang… if you will. 

She realized I finished, and laughs and says “oh I’m sorry, I just talked through your orgasm”. I felt like it was probably my worst performance ever. She seemed to have had a good time though. Still talking my damn ear off while pulling her panties back up. Then she says to me “I probably shouldn’t tell you this but I was supposed to meet a guy I have been talking to tonight”. I shouldn’t have said anything but I was like “yeah I know, I’m ____”. She was like ” Oh Em GEee I didn’t recognize you that’s so funny, you probably thought I was a crazy person when I was just rambling on”. Yeah you got me there. So she just latched on to me in the bar not realizing who I was. Weird. Then the other shoe drops. She asks “so you understand the deal with my marriage”. I say ‘yeah you guys have like an open marriage kinda deal, right?’. I could tell by her face that I did not understand the deal. This broad was most def just cheating.

So she was all dressed again, and ready to head back to her friends and wanted me to come. I said I’d was gonna clean up a little. So she left me there. Not gonna lie, that was probably the dirtiest and most shameful I felt after sex. The used condom next to me and lackluster performance were the least of my worries. I went home. She messaged me later saying she was going to house sit for a friend during the week and wanted me to come by and that she had just watched the movie “high plains drifter” and it turned her on. Looked it up and I think she wanted me to break in and have my way with her CNC style. The fact that she wanted to meet again made me feel a little better about my performance, but by then I was super over it. Luckily my blinders were off and I didn’t partake. I guess I’m just lucky she never asked to speak to my manager.

Source: reddit.com/r/gonewildstories/comments/hbut9h/the_time_i_m_banged_a_karen