This is a story of endless love. It is a sad story, a story of bad timing, but it is my story. To really understand it, I need to first provide some background, context if you will, of my life leading to my first encounter with Kate.
Most of my life I had pretty much done what others thought I should do, and I focused little on what I wanted for myself. I believe now this was largely due to my upbringing, which was a bit of a dichotomy. At one level, I was raised to believe I could do anything I put my mind to do, and at work or at play I was allowed to do and try to do everything. My father was a carpenter, and I could cut things apart and pound things back together trying to build what I imagined. I was never told to stop. On the other level, I was still raised under the old patrilineal system of ‘elders where always right and you instantly deferred to their word.’ There was no hesitation, if an elder spoke, you obeyed. I was always being told their vision of right and wrong and had to follow that above all else, such as your word was your bond and if you gave it to someone the honourable thing to do was keep your commitment. I believe this to be a good learning as I think there is way too much disrespect in the world today. Consequently though, I constantly deferred to others; I was the consummate introvert.
I saw a lot of the learning’s in my upbringing tested as I neared my teenage years. There was major descent building in my parents’ marriage. Although they initially tried to hide it, this is the kind of thing that can’t be hidden. It was during this time that I learned if you gave your word to marry someone, then regardless of the situation and environment, you stayed together. They were miserable, they fought, the love was gone, but they stayed together, because they were married. Even I could see at this time the situation was not sustainable. Something had to give, which eventually happened; my mother left my father. It was easy for me to see this was a brutally hard decision and not easily made. I was not sad about this at all, and I fully supported my mother. She had to leave to keep her sanity and it was far worse seeing them stay in such a miserable state. And so, they both went on to live new lives with all its trials and tribulations. To my surprise, I continued to love them both as much as I always had, and I spent as much time with one as the other. My feelings and love for them never changed, and I saw both of them as leading much happier lives. But it was the old learning I retained and not the new one.
Between 13 and 15 I’d been living between parents, which was okay, but at 15 I now wanted to be on my own. I hated school. I’d had a horrible introduction to school between grades 1-5 from a dogmatic battle-axe of a teacher that took to make me her fall guy from my first day. She constantly let me know I could do nothing right and I came to detest her and the whole educational system. Raised the way I was though I was afraid to tell my parents as I thought if this is what the elder thought, then I must be a horrible person that can’t do anything right. And I grew to believe that teaching. But at 15 I changed.
At 15 something snapped in me, and like a light switch being flicked on I went from an introvert to an extrovert almost overnight. I am not going to go into all the challenges of what I went through during this period, suffice it to say there was significant change in me. I now challenged elders when I knew they were wrong, but I also said why. I found that with my newfound confidence people deferred to me more. I was stepping into my own being.
At 15 I told my parents I was quitting school and moving out on my own. I told them I’d got a job with a construction company, and that I was starting that job right away. I was quite surprised that they both fully supported me in that decision, and they wished me the best with whatever I decided to do. I now moved into a phase where I was driven. I became a workaholic. I couldn’t do enough. However, I tried several different types of construction work, but I did not find any of it satisfying.
Despite everything, I really started to believe I could do more, be more, if I put my mind to it, and I wanting to be doing something more significant and satisfying. I realized though that without at least a grade 12 education that was not going to happen. At 20 I went back to night school and in one year I got my grade 12. I then got a good retail job that I really liked, but sadly after working for them for several years they went into receivership. However, the job had taught me leadership and the social skills necessary to deal with the public. This is when things really changed for me. I wanted a Degree, I wanted to move into Big Business opportunities. The door had opened for me to move anywhere I desired, and I choose university.
I entered a local university in an undergraduate. I logically knew a Degree would be an asset, the hard part was deciding on the program. Where did I ultimately want to be? What program would provide me with the best paying job or jobs when I was done? After considerable deliberation I entered Wolf University as an undergraduate focused on a Major in Marketing. I was looking to be a business mogul. I understood this might take a while, but I was prepared to put in the effort to get there.
I was disappointed in my first year to find I was not getting the satisfaction from my studies I had anticipated. I was doing okay, but just okay. I didn’t feel the thrill from Marketing I had anticipated. I got lucky. In a first-year elective course in Sociology the professor asked if anyone had any questions before starting the class. A student asked, is there any money to be made in Sociology. I thought, great question, but the professor was horrified. He spent the rest of the class lecturing us that going into a field where you thought there’s big paying jobs was the worst decision to make, because you’d hate your work every day. Find your passion. What is it that excites you when you think about it, what drives your interest the most? If you go where your passion is, you’ll make it work, you’ll make it succeed, because you’ll love what you do every day. That really hit me hard. I left the lecture knowing I had to make a change, or I was not going to be successful in university. But what? How would I make that decision?
By coincidence I was walking past the university bookstore where all the university course books were held. Yes, I thought, I’ll walk around to every discipline and check out what each focused on to help me with my decision. I spent almost 2 hours going from discipline to discipline, and after I’d gone around once, I did it again. After the second round there was no doubt in my mind at all that marketing, business, economics where the worst choice for me. But every time I reached the Geology section, I spent more time looking at all the texts, fascinated by the processes and material. Geology! I needed to sit and think about this, so I headed to the coffee shop. I finished my coffee, got up and headed to the administration office, and changed my major and all courses beginning in my next term, and I’ve never looked back. I was now excelling in my courses; I’d also won scholarships and had work opportunities while in university. For the first time in my life I loved what I was doing, so much so that I went on to graduate school, and then landed a very respectable job with a well-known geological firm. I was in heaven. Well, almost.
Throughout my life I’d had a difficult time relating to women and being in relationships. I always seemed to pick the woman that needed more help than I did, and who just used me. Fast forward, I married a woman while in university that I thought was the one. She seemed on the ball, intelligent, fun to be with. In the university setting she seemed outgoing and playful, and I became quite attracted to her. However, once in a cohabitation arrangement she changed. She was constantly combative, argumentative, and challenging to reside with. It did not matter what I did she was never happy. So, I thought I’ll fix it, I married her. Instead of things getting better, they got worse. I was constantly miserable at home and used my work more and more to get me out of the unbearable home environment. I should have left, but to me I’d made the commitment, the vow, and so I would just have to do whatever I could to make the marriage work, rather than do what was right for me.
Right at one of my lowest points mentally, I was offered an opportunity to take 15 Geology students into the mountains of the Yukon to lead a field school for the summer. Having the opportunity to be on my own, alone in the mountains with a bunch of students, a time to clear my head and refocus, was too much of an opportunity to pass. I jumped at the offer, and despite my wife’s protests, at the end of June I headed for the Yukon. I arrived at the camp location early with another colleague. The location was pristine, located amid the mountains, fresh lakes and rivers everywhere. It was a truly beautiful location.
Our first duty was to get the camp set up to accommodate the students during working and off time hours. With the camp set up the first helicopters loaded with students arrived. Upon arrival, my colleague provided each student with a tent they got set up in the location of their choice around the camp. Work materials were provided the next day when we went through policies and procedures for their time in camp. The last of the students arrived and got set up, then we had a welcoming dinner at the main tent, set up for my (by the way, I am Niall), and my colleague Jim’s lectures, field preparation, and meals. As the tent filled, my first realization, surprise really, was that all the students were female. I had no issue with this as I had learned how to flirt with girls, which I loved. I always found this to be an innocent past time as long as I didn’t take advantage of it by bedding the girls.
I have not mentioned this before, but women have always found me to be very cute, even handsome, outgoing, and easy to be with. I knew I was good looking, but I’ve never believed I was overly handsome, so this attention has always been something I’ve struggled with. I think it is because of that attention that I started flirting in the first place. Hard not to flirt with someone when they are cooing over you. But my belief was you had to be committed to the relationship you were in and therefore I had never cheated during any of my relationships or taken advantage of an overly attentive woman. Not once. I am a heterosexual man though, and I will admit to there being times when this really challenged me. Many times, I had to find some alone time and take care of things.
The first days of the field school went well. As we got to know the student’s as things became relaxed and cordial. I was doing my job, but girls were flirting with me and I was enjoying flirting with them. Several even went so far as to indicate we could be closer if I wanted, but that was not going to happen. I early on let everyone know that I was married, and I loved my wife, setting the parameters of our engagement so to speak.
There was one girl in camp that bothered me though. It was Kate. She was shyer than the others, not as out going, but every time I was near her, I felt sparks, electricity. She was very cute, short dark hair, dark inquiring eyes, radiant smile. And her smell made my knees quiver. I watched her often while she wasn’t looking, but I started to keep my distance, especially if I saw her more off from the others. And camp life continued.
About three weeks into camp and things changed dramatically for me. Jim and I had set up three scenarios for going into the wilderness. One was straight outback; one was surveying along a lake or river system. Each student was given the task to select the one they’d most like, and why. They turned them in and incredibly fourteen students picked the lake or river survey, with only Kate picking the outback. Jim had more experience than I did with lake surveys, so he said he’d lead that group if I’d do the outback assignment, which was more to my liking anyway. But it was only with Kate, however I agreed.
The outback assignment is the most grueling as it requires carrying a heavy pack of gear into the mountains, and camping in isolation over two nights, then hiking back. This was laid out in the scenario sheets: 15-kilometre hike in the mountains to location, set up camp, field work on the second day, 15-kilometre hike back to main camp location.
The packs are heavy and awkward, and on the way into our remote location I could see Kate struggling from time to time, but not once did she complain. We had lots of stops to rest and for refreshment. We talked easily and I found myself really enjoying our conversation. At last we arrived at our location and set up camp. Our location was high on the side of a mountain looking down into a very picturesque valley. It was lovely. I could see Kate’s neck and shoulders were really bothering her while she set up her tent. I got set up quickly and then prepared dinner. It was late afternoon when camp was set, and we sat down to eat.
I could not stop myself from staring into Kate’s eyes. I felt buzzy all over. She smiled often and we talked and talked. We cleaned up after dinner and then found a nice spot to sit and look down at the valley. For quite some time we sat there in a beautiful silence that you have to experience to appreciate.
I heard Kate moan a little before I seen her reach up and rub her neck. I told her I had a good liniment in my tent and if she wanted, I could get it and rub it into her neck and shoulders. With no hesitation she said, “Yes, please.” With a little trepidation I got the liniment and returned.
The moment I touched Kate my entire body quivered. My hands trembled and I slowed the movement, rubbing the liniment deeply into her skin, enjoying the sensation of touching her. I felt her lean back into me, and I knew it was not just because of the massage. This liniment has a nice musky smell, but I could not smell the musk, all I could smell was Kate. The smell of her sex penetrated my senses like a flash of lightening. I could feel my penis getting erect. But I did not stop massaging her. I could not have stopped now if I’d want to, and I didn’t want to stop.
I took a towel I’d brought and wiped my hands and when I turned back Kate laid fully against my chest. I put my hands against the side of her neck and gently rubbed. She moaned. With a mind of their own my hands slowing worked down until I had her breasts cupped in both hands. She laid harder against me as I pinched both nipples. She moaned again. My penis was so hard now I thought it would explode any second.
I moved her slightly and started kissing the side of her neck, then I slide my hand down into her pants. It was so hot, and her panties were so wet. I pulled my hand back and slide it under her panties and felt her clit throb against my fingers and her heavenly silky moisture. Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god. Did I say that out loud?
We were both breathing heavily now. She was openly moaning. I worked and rubbed and massaged her pussy and clit, feeling the clit steadily swelling under my fingers. I kissed and sucked and bite her neck. Kate reached back and grabbed my erection through my pants, and I took her hand and held it, kissing it softly. I could feel her pussy pulsing under my hand. I knew she was close to orgasm. She pushed back hard against me; she came hard and her whole body quivered against me. Her orgasm and her moan almost made me come. I still don’t know why I hadn’t. But oh, was I hard.
I turned her face to me and kissed her with more passion and intensity than I’d ever kissed anyone, and thrilled that I felt the same from her. I was lost in the intensity of the sensations I was feeling. She looked me in the eyes and said, “Let’s go to your tent.” I had lost myself at the first touch of her skin, but those words snapped me back to reality. Without hesitation I said, I can’t, I am married, and why I did what we did tonight I don’t know. I said I’ve never done this with anyone before while I was with anyone else, and I am married. In my heart I knew for the first time I did not believe these words. In her eyes I saw the longing for me, but I also saw the hurt, and the shock.
After returning to my tent I masturbated. I exploded instantly I was so aroused, but that did not sate the arousal or the desire for Kate. I laid awake in my tent, alone, not sleeping the entire night; my thoughts focused on Kate. I could not get her out of my mind, her smell, her taste, her. I thought of my marriage. How dichotomy different my wife was from Kate. Kate was soft, social, pleasant to be with. My wife Jane had become mean and cruel, and I hated every day we were together. And Kate awoke feelings in me I never realized I had; the passion I felt for her. How I had been able to walk away alone to my tent that night I still don’t know, but when morning came, I knew I’d not be able to walk away from Kate again.
Kate and I became very close that summer, and I have lots of stories of passion and love, but they are for another time. When the end of the field camp came Kate and I talked. I told despite how I felt for her, but I also told her I could not leave my wife, even though I wanted to. What a deluded asshole I was, but the old commitment belief was deeply entrenched in me. We agreed that we both wanted to stay in touch anyway. I was so happy she did not just slap me and walk away forever.
We stayed in touch, but about a year later Kate said she’d met someone she was getting close to. She told me and asked if my views on my marriage had changed. Oh, how I wanted to say yes, but I said no. I was still trying to make a broken bird fly. Sometime later Kate married. Six months after Kate’s marriage, Jane walk in one day and said, I can’t do this anymore, she dumped all responsibility on me, all liabilities, and she left. Seriously, I never saw that coming. When alone, I cried, not because I’d lost Jane, but because I’d lost Kate.
Kate and I have had a turbulent two decades. But we love each other today as much as we ever did, maybe more, however sadly it has been a largely unfulfilled love, in that we want to be together, still, but time and other relationships and commitments continue to keep us apart. We await the day when we are both alone, so that we can finally be together. I’m thinking that may not happen in this lifetime, but I will never let go of the love I have for Kate.
You can read more about our relationship on our blog www.musingsofasexualbeing.home.blog
Source: reddit.com/r/gonewildstories/comments/f4e9x3/me_before_you_nialls_perspective_mf