This is my first story of this sort, and one of my first fiction works, for that matter. I haven’t gotten far into it, and was looking for some critique on what I’ve written so far. What I’ve written at this point is ecchi at best, and I promise as it goes on, it’s gonna get a lot more dirty.
This is meant as a setup to the story, before anything really happens. I’d like some feedback, and suggestions regarding my style, voice, etc.
There are definitely some spots I already cringe at while reading, but I’d like to hear from you.
>“You can’t live like this forever, you know that, right?” My mom, is standing in front of me, with her hands on her hips, with an intense look on her face.
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>Oh my god. It’s this shit again. “Yeah, I know. It’s not like you’ve been telling me this for the past 6 years of my life or anything. Will you seriously cut it out?”
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>“No!” she retorts. “This isn’t some kind of game, or life choice. This is what your body is, and you can’t stop this from happening. You’re going to regret forcing yourself to hold off. You’ll lose control, be uncovered, and get killed!”
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>“Please! Let me have my own life!” I storm up to my room, slamming the door behind me. Why was I born this way? It’s not fair!
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>I come from a race of beings consisting of incubi and succubi. Our very existence is considered a taboo, so we must live our lives pretending to be human. I’m not like other succubi, though. My father was a human, and mother was a succubus. My birth should not have been possible, yet here I am. I’m half succubus. Through my (quite limited) research, it seems I am likely to be the only one alive. I dunno whatever, that makes me special now or some shit.
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>I stretch my arms high above my head, reaching for the ceiling, reaching as far into the heavens as I possibly can…Yep. Still five foot fucking one. *Dammit.* The tips of my fingers fall short of my bedpost by a good three inches
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>If my body was a flower, it was kinda an early bloomer. I started puberty at 8, but stopped for some reason around 14, and never developed any further than that. So… I guess that makes me an early blooming flower that some sleazy asshole plucked for his seventeenth girlfriend this month, before I was blooming at my fullest. To whoever the hell you and your 17 girlfriends are, fuck you, *buddy*.
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>Hell with it. I’m gonna take a shower, cause what better way to spend the next 15 minutes than stand under a stream of hot, metallic tasting water, wallowing in self pity. We live off a well, and the filter only runs to our sinks, leaving a bunch of stuff in there I don’t wanna ask about.
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>That was three years ago. According to *deARest mother’s* unmatched wisdom, I should have matured at 14, at the latest. Kinda fucked up, in my opinion, considering that once a succubus matures, they stop being able survive off of human food alone. A succubus will go insane if they don’t, ya’know, fuck a bunch of people and absorb their semen.
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>I pick out a nice set of pajamas, and my towel. My regular sleepwear is a this… *thing* that my mom got for me a while ago, to “Help understand your physique” Oh, please. Silk? Really? Thing looks like a one-piece swimsuit thrown a wood chipper on LSD by Jack the fucking Ripper. But, it makes my mother happy, I guess.
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>My mother always bragged to me about maturing at 10. What. In. The. Fuck.
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>Like, seriously. I understand that you gotta do what you gotta do, but, for *fuck’s sake don’t tell me about that!* Probably bullshit anyway.
I turn on the water, and it hits the bottom of the tub with it’s usual pounding roar as I pull off my crop top and skirt, tossing them to the floor.
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>Just in general, I’m quite disgusted with this life I’m probably gonna have to, well, *succumb* to. Honestly, I think I’d enjoy it, if it weren’t for the fact that, a succubus can’t survive with just regular sex alone. Hell, I’d be the school slut already if it weren’t for this one problem.
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>Well, if I kept growing like I was, that is. I stare at my body in the mirror. I’ll admit, I am pretty hot, if not a little small for my own taste. As I pull off my bra and panties, I look across at my breasts. Back in the glory days, you could be a school celebrity just for having boobs, but I stopped just short of a C-cup. I know, not so small it’s weird, but they could be bigger.
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>You see, the sheer fucking amount of this magical fucking liquid I need to keep my sanity can be reasonably obtained by completely draining all the cum from 3 or so pairs of balls per week. Again, I’d love to be doing this, but, oh, yeah, there’s also the fact completely draining a dude of all the cum he has, surprise, surprise, isn’t exactly the best for them.
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>It leaves them unconscious for hours, or even days while their body recovers from the immense pressure, pleasure, and strain that a succubus’ body forces them to endure. We have the ability to read minds, our saliva is a powerful aphrodisiac that forces a boner upon the recipient for as long as there’s more cum to be drained, if we wanted to. Full recovery can take several months.
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>Most succubi even have shape-shifting abilities, to varying degrees. Almost nobody can do a massive change to their body, and most, like me, can only adjust the shape and size of their body’s “Pleasuring Zones”, as my mom calls it. You can stop it with the pet names. I’m gonna be a legal adult in less than a year.
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>I step into the shower, and just stand there for five minutes, feeling the hot water run over my smooth skin and body. Men wouldn’t actually want that done to them, right? It feels so wrong to me, to disable somebody like that, taking advantage of them for hours until they pass out, and then some. It must feel good, but only in the moment. Afterwards, they will always pay the price for it, and that weighs down on me too much to bear.
After this scene finishes, the story will continue with her in school, where all of a sudden, all her pent up and repressed drive hits her like a train, and she almost goes insane right then and there. She doesn’t make it through the day, and ends up draining some guy, probably in the bathroom or a closet or something. I have some more in mind, but it’s really hazy and not worth writing down
Any changes or suggestions for how the story unfolds are welcome!
Source: reddit.com/r/eroticliterature/comments/f04yrc/f_first_person_a_succubus_begins_to_come_of_age
Very good start. I’m looking forward to reading more.