Possible trigger warning here for people with trauma!
This post isn’t about assault, it’s about a fantasy I have, but it needs this little backstory.
When I was 15, my bf at the time (also 15) wanted to have sex and I didn’t. I told him we could try as long as he stopped if it was hurting me. It hurt immediately – I was very small (around 100 lbs) and a virgin, plus there was very little foreplay and he was NOT gentle. I begged him to stop, but he kind of pinned my limbs down and wouldn’t stop. I didn’t want to scream bc my parents were downstairs and I didn’t want them to catch us doing something we clearly shouldn’t have been. For years I considered this experience to be completely my fault, and sex became something I was afraid of, both bc of the pain and the feeling of being overpowered/helpless.
Now that I’m older (23 now) and finally grew into a healthy relationship with sex (as in, I enjoy it and have a long term bf who I have a very active and fulfilling sex life with whenever he’s home – he travels for work) I’ve started having fantasies about taking back control. It started with dreams about my ex – about him showing up at my door or me running into him somewhere and us having very rough sex with me in charge. Very important to note, I do not want to rape him in return ever – consent is still a very clear part of these dreams and the daydreaming/fantasies that have followed. In these fantasies I want him to want me fucking desperately. To remember what a small innocent girl I used to be and see what a strong and sexual woman I’ve turned into, and need me so badly he can’t stand it. However, I don’t need him. I don’t want him. I hate him. I just want to control him and show him that despite what he did to me, I really fucking like sex and I’m good at it.
I picture myself pushing him against the wall and aggressively removing his clothes, biting his neck and lips as he tries to kiss me, having my hand around his neck or on his jaw controlling his head and limiting his access to me. Then I picture pushing him into a chair and undressing myself, watching him see me naked for the first time since he stole my virginity at 15, watching the lust in his eyes and his cock swelling to become even harder and leaking precum. But I don’t let him look for long and I make no attempt at foreplay with him – the thought of doing this to him has me ready enough. I straddle and mount him, sliding my wet pussy down his throbbing cock. My hands go back to his throat and jaw and knotting in his hair, controlling his head and not letting him lean forward to kiss or bite me without my allowance. I bite his neck, his shoulders, whatever I can reach. I ride him hard, squeezing his thin hips with my thighs, keeping him still. He’s moaning, alternating between his eyes being glued to me and rolling back in his head. When he tries to touch me I slap his hands away or hold them where I want them. In some versions of the fantasy I make him cum over and over not even stopping in between bc I’m not ready to stop, forcing waves of pleasure to hit him over and over again, fucking him until he’s drained, making him lose himself in it. In others he begs me to make him cum but I don’t. I just ride him until I cum (which he never made me do himself), my pussy clenching him and dripping, letting him feel what it feels like to make me cum on his cock rather than just forcing me without satisfying me, bringing him right to the edge before I dismount him and leave him there, panting, pulsating and leaking precum – showing him that he’s nothing to me anymore and he won’t get that ultimate pleasure from me. Either way, it’s all about controlling his pleasure, taking what I want and giving him only what I want to give him.
This would obviously never happen in real life (I feel sick even seeing pictures of him) but these newfound fantasies have been unexpectedly helping me to feel more sexually in control, though they do still also make me feel weird/guilty/dirty. Ultimately, fuck him – though that takes on many meanings for me now.
Source: reddit.com/r/gonewildstories/comments/dyrtjx/f_fantasies_of_taking_back_control
I think it’s healthy to write out these thoughts and figure out where they stem from and why we feel them. Allot of people have had traumatic experiences and search for ways to feel growth over what has happened.
I wish you luck in your exploring.
To me, you could experiment with this with a willing partner as long as there’s lots of communication along the way and everyone knows what they’re “signing up “ for.
Good luck on your journey!