I wasn’t planning on posting much sexual stuff on Reddit, but this is one of the funniest stories of my teenage years and I couldn’t resist!
Background: when I was 19, there was a guy in my friendship group, we’ll call him A. Knew him a few years, but it had recently become apparent that he’d been cheating on his girlfriend with multiple people, so our friendship group kinda started phasing him out as we didn’t agree with his behaviour.
So, my friends and I are on a night out and my best friend begs me to go with her to some guy’s house because she wants to fuck him. I don’t know why she insisted on having me go with her, although she mentioned something about ‘just in case he’s a weirdo and I want to leave’ or something. Anyway, I don’t really want to, but I decide to help her out anyway, so start saying goodbye to everyone. This is where A comes in. He sees my discomfort and offers to come with us so that I’m not the awkward third wheel at this guy’s house, and I accept because I didn’t want to just be abandoned while my friend screwed this guy upstairs.
The four of us go back to the dude’s house, they go upstairs, me and A are left downstairs with a sofa bed to sleep on. We’re having normal conversation, then suddenly, he lunges for me, picks me up and slams me against a wall, trying to kiss me. I freak out and push him away, and he pulls the whole ‘you know you want it’ spiel. Well, I didn’t, especially knowing that he was essentially trying to cheat on his girlfriend with anyone who would have him, so I told him as much. He was really angry, don’t think he was used to people refusing him. I just lay down on the sofa bed, turned away from him and told him to leave me alone, and then fell asleep. This is where it gets NSFW. Some time goes by (not sure how much) and I wake up randomly. I want to know what time it is, so I go to take my phone out of my pocket, but it’s slipped out and fallen behind me onto the bed. I’m reaching for it and roll over to look and see where it is, and BOOM!
My entire horizon of vision is taken up by penis. It was so unexpected, and I tried to snap my eyes shut, but you know when you’re watching a horror movie and you try to close your eyes because you suspect a jumpscare, but you’re just a millisecond too late and you see it anyway? It was exactly like that. The peen was already burnt into my retinas forever. My lovely friend A is just cranking one out directly next to my face, not giving a shit. I ask him what the hell he’s doing, and he just tries to entice me to help him out, thinking that seeing his drunken, 4am cheating-ass dong will suddenly make me want to jump on it. I grab my phone, which is next to his bare ass, shout profanities at him and storm upstairs to the bathroom, very angry at him.
After a while, my best friend and the guy she slept with call me into their room and ask why I’m sitting in the bathroom, so I tell them the whole story. All three of us are pissed at A for acting like a jackass, and decide to forget about him for now, putting music on and chatting about other stuff. At about 6am, the man of the hour, A, silently files into the room, sitting on the floor next to us. He looks very ashamed of himself, understanding instantly that everyone in the room knows what happened, and us three glare at him for a minute. The silence is deafening, and then he hangs his head in shame and mumbles ‘…sorry for getting my dick out’.
The three of us had been so mad at A for it, but for some reason, seeing him look so pathetic, apologising for trying to entice me with his fap fest, was so fucking funny that we all just burst out screaming with laughter. He just sat there in shame while we all cackled at him uncontrollably, and from that moment on, he became the butt of every joke. The story spread like wildfire and everyone knew what happened, which made things worse (and funnier). Not long after this, he removed himself from our friendship group, knowing that no one would take him seriously, on top of everyone’s disapproval of him being a cheating bastard in the first place. To this day, the memory of us all breaking down in laughter is so funny that I can forgive the fap fest.
Moral of the story: that unexpected ding-a-ling encounter is probably going to make a good story one day.
TL;DR: I woke up in the middle of the night to my friend masturbating furiously next to my face. Everyone finds out and teases him so viciously that he stops being friends with us all, and good riddance – he was an asshole.
Source: reddit.com/r/gonewildstories/comments/ds84ut/mf_got_wanked_on_by_someone_whos_schween_i_did
That could have went really bad for you. Glad it didn’t.
More jackass’s need to be laughed at when they act like a holes. Shame and ostracize them.