Im far to naive to break down the psychology in my own words and don’t want to plagiarize some article so bear with me. I’ve read that in our adolescence and puberty stages of life that we are extremely impressionable and that sexual events at this time frame can leave its mark of Cain on us forever. I have given deep thought to wether or not I believe this and am starting to believe it holds water. In many ways I’ve been no different than any other man with your typical desires and fantasies. Asians check, older women check, huge breasts, cheerleader outfits, and any other cliche you can imagine. So where am I going with this? One single urge has remained a constant in the deepest core of my body. I am addicted cheating or cheaters.
Don’t check out now , trust me I know the stigma and how it can ruin lives. This is part of the struggle that feeds into my guilt. However, nothing comes close to satisfaction and euphoric stage I feel during the pursuit , during the sex and the entire allure of it all. I’ve had plenty of great nights with great sex with some of the most beautiful women but every single highlight my brain flashes back to are those encounters that are burned into my psyche.
What got me here? Without ever knowing how one summer’s events could sculpt me forever I went through a whirlwind of emotions and the chain of events would ultimately create my kink. For the record , I was 100% always against this type of behavior and even lost a friendship due to “morals” not accepting a friends similar behavior.
Act 1, school sweethearts ,burning the midnight oils and discovering new worlds. Amazing sex, strong relationship, and unmatched libidos. Life was sublime , then I was cheated on. Yep, went through every stage of emotions. I was devastated and carried the pain for a long time. This ultimately lead to my poor choice of the revenge fuck. Who did I go after ? Her sister. Her engaged sister. This wasn’t planned but when the opportunity arose i entered an indescribable form of myself that had nothing but tunnel vision. The thought popped out of nowhere but became my main focus. I knew her sister always thought I was cute but now it was time to test it. We happened to be at the same party/ bonfire and I had already been drinking. It was first time we hung out since her sister and I broke up so naturally we talked a little bit to catch up but never approached that topic. As the night went we had made tons of eye contact through the fire while she was with fiancé. He was hammered and clearly annoying her and I knew he was staying there and that she would be leaving. Much later the night was winding down and her friend asked for a ride home from her and I saw my chance. She lived really close to me so I asked her if she wouldn’t mind dropping me off too. I could kinda already tell we were going to end up alone then when she drove past my street to drop her friend off first I knew it. We got back to my house and after some really small talk on the drive we sat in the driveway and of course talked about her sister and everything that happened. Well, I told her she could chill out back on the porch and have a beer with me if she wanted and didn’t hesitate. We got out back and I saw my opening. She sat right next to me and crossed her legs over and rested them up against mine. She kept saying how stupid her sister was and how I’d be back on my feet and that it was her loss and then she slipped , she said and I remember it vividly, with a small alcohol induced gleam in her eye she said “ trust me I’ve heard all about you”. I sat up a bit and looked at her and just went for it. The moment are lips locked i felt such a rush of euphoria. It could have ended there and would been most electric kiss ever but obviously it didn’t. She climbed into my lap and we made out for so long. I remember palming her ass the entire time and just squeezing and massaging it and her hearing her moans get louder I went for it. I pulled it out and let her ride me in that chair and gave her probably the best single night of dick game I’ve ever had. I WAS HOOKED and didn’t know it. The guilt of her being engaged was in my mind many times while we fucked. It drove me though. I couldn’t help it nor did I want to. yes I felt remorse. I still do to a degree.
Act 2, the itch had been scratched. I was getting along well and moving forward and healing over breakup and even had a clean break with the sister. There was no awkwardness between us and neither of us even mentioned it for many years (there’s another story of her relapse with me again but that’s for another time). I also didn’t have the need to pursue someone taken or even the urge. Or so I thought. I worked at a blockbuster (aging myself but hey fuck you it was awesome job at the time, and close to home for me to walk to because I didn’t have car / Friday nights were lit haha) and I was completely oblivious to my managers attraction. The entire time I worked there I never once gave it a single thought. I was for a happily taken guy with sex on the regular with a young tight body , and my manager was 15 years + my senior. What I didn’t realize was while I thought I was healing up all I didn’t bury my urges deep enough. It was a nasty rainy night and we technically had to stay open but no one had been by for hours and we had to be open till midnight. So there we are, just chatting away sitting there for hours. Our conversation naturally started to flirt with the threshold of crossing over into inappropriate. Mentioning some of our favorite movies, actors/actresses, then scenes. Well, she decided because it was rainy that I should be the one to go get all the movies from the drop off box in the parking lot.i get soaked, completely drenched. She started laughing and ran to back to get me a spare uniform polo and then it’s start to creep out, slowly my blood is turning black and I can feel this familiar venom starting to pulsate through my veins. She brings the polo upfront and I just take my wet shirt off and leave my wet white wife beater shirt ( sorry but only name I know for that shirt) and throw on the new polo. I seen her watch me the whole time and I couldn’t stop the venom from overtaking me and knowing she was married started to really turn me on. Now mind you, I was never attracted to this woman and not saying she wasn’t attractive because she was probably a solid 7/10 but she never crossed my radar but I couldn’t control it. Suddenly I wanted nothing more than to get this married manager. I knew how too. I asked her for a ride home. I told her , please i live real close and I just didn’t want to call and wake anyone up to come get me at midnight. She said sure and then she calls her husband and I hear her, “hey babe , it’s pouring so bad out I need to give the cashier kid a ride home , he doesn’t have a car. “ i pretended not to listen so when she came out I said “ are you sure it’s ok I don’t want you to get home late” and she was like oh don’t worry my husband is basically sleeping already. So we lock up and sprint to her car. We both got wet as hell. I took the polo off again as we got seated and sat their in my under shirt. She didn’t pull off right away. We just talked and then she pulled off her polo and was just in her under shirts , showing some cleavage but was normal shirt then reached into the back to grab her sweater and when she did she pressed her one of her breasts nonchalantly on purpose into my arm and immediately was like oh sorry, and I was like don’t worry I won’t tell in a joking matter and she stopped then and left her sweater in the back and started to drive to my house. We actually didn’t talk much on the ride but you could feel the positive tension. The anxiety was pulsing through both of us. We got to my house and it was still pouring , and we sat there in the kind of awkward no one knows what to say stage and I finally said , damn I don’t want to get it out it’s raining So bad. She says we can wait it out. Me : “you sure ?”
Her : “ yeah it’s fine and places her hand on my shoulder.
I turned back to face her seat and take seatbelt off then as she was applying more lipgloss I was said man that smells good , is that strawberry?!? She just leaned in and started kissing me and rubbing her hands through my hair. Fuck here I am again with a married woman this time and I fucking love it. This time being sober my nerves were much more fierce. Hers to. We could both feel each other nervously shaking a bit but we weren’t stopping. I started to rub on her thigh while kissing and then she undid her own pants and I could feel her warmth radiating up through her panties. I went in so slow , barely touching her labia and just slowly running my finger on the outside and then she grabbed my hand and buried into her pussy and she started to grove to my rhythm of fingering her. She pulled away from kissing and had me to start kissing on her neck and cleavage and then got naked and up onto her knees in her seat. I just remember her thick ass tongue and lips swallowing me all the way the down on her first pass . She was slightly bigger so it was difficult for me to reach all the way over to continue fingering her so I just held her hair in one hand and played with her titty with the other. The head was amazing but I kept thinking how hot it was knowing she was going home to her husband after sucking me off. This time afterwards I felt 0 guilt , not sure why but I didn’t. This went almost a dozen more times over the couple weeks or month, Next thing I know we are scheduled together all the time , more nightshifts and more amazing deepthroat. Didn’t care though , I needed this in my eyes after the break up and being cheated on. Didn’t stop to think what lasting impressions it could have.
Act 3, I had one other sexual encounter with a married woman one night after picking her up at a bar. Now the sex itself was a major letdown but didn’t matter then and still doesn’t today because even though it was bad I’ve never forgotten it and still can vividly remember the anticipation, anxiety, and overall rush that I was experiencing leading up to. Now all of this was roughly a 4 month window or so. Now cut to 15+ years later, while my antics slowed down and I buried that venom very very deep, I can still feel it in there. Anytime I’m innocently flirting or chatting with someone taken or married I can feel my body slowly releasing that dark passenger out. I’ve been through a few 100% faithful relationships and it was never really even in question but no matter how much time passes or kinks I experience the only thing that sticks is that venom rush. My bodies chemical reaction and releases when I’m crossing thresholds just can’t be matched. Sometimes the feeling of the endorphins and or combination with the secrets of two people doing what they know is wrong together is too exhilarating of a flame for me to extinguish.
Source: reddit.com/r/gonewildstories/comments/c53e9f/my_desire_for_the_unobtainable