Funny women are the best. Also butt stuff. [MF] [Success]

I’ve met a lot of great people on Reddit. And I’m always too lazy to post a success story afterwards. Imma try and change that now.

**Context**

I was in Los Angeles for work. It was sunny so I figured I’d get a tan. Then remembered I’m brown so I have a perma-tan. Despondent at missing a chance to get skin cancer, I posted on r/dirtyr4r. Explained my stats–5’11” (and not 6’ so you know I’m being honest), good looking, in shape, eminently disease free, and some history doing mediocre stand up so I can make people laugh. Note, I generally leave out the “mediocre” when trying to get laid.

I connected with Samantha. She was attractive. Blonde hair, blue eyes, thicc in the right way. But what really caught my eye, other than the fact that she responded (kidding, I’m not that thirsty), was she mentioned she’d done some stuff in the comedy world herself. Intrigued, we started texting and decided to grab drinks at a Star Wars bar (which immediately got me hard because I’m a giant nerd).

I arrived super late because I was catching up with non-sexy friends. Terrible decision, I know. Sam was cool with waiting. She looked exactly like her pics, so avoided that catfish action which we all so deeply fear on this site. And she was funny. Like, legit way funnier than me. The banter was exceptional. To the point that, even if we didn’t actually hook up, the night would be a fucking success.

We decided to head back to my place. Called an uber. Made out while we waited. I pulled her close to me by her ass (#WhiteGirlWithAnAss, #Winning). She seemed to get hungrier the tighter I grabbed her ass. This detail will become important later. As we walked to the uber, I noticed she was walking kind of funny. Chalked it up to the heels. But this detail will become important later too.

**Sexy Times**

In the backseat of the uber, Sam started having a convo with the driver. That was nice of her but annoying to me because I kind of wanted to keep talking to her (she’s legit funny, people). But then she slid her bag on top of my lap and started rubbing my cock while she continued her convo with the driver. At this point, I was regretting my choice to wear skinny jeans. As she asked the driver about his hopes and dreams, she slid her hand inside my pants and started giving me a handjob.

And this woman could work a cock. I precum (and cum) like a madman, and she used my precum to really work my dick. And then, while telling the driver about her first apartment in LA, Sam pulled her hand out to absentmindedly lick my precum off her fingers. At this point, I was really into this girl and wishing I lived in LA permanently. But, I’m also more dominant in bed so now it was my turn.

We shifted the purse to her lap. And I got into the conversation. Asked the driver what places I should see as a tourist while I fingered Sam’s dripping pussy. She adjusted her position so I couldn’t get too low. Figured she just wasn’t into butt stuff and thought nothing else of it. As I’d later learn, this wasn’t the case.

We pulled up to the hotel and headed to my room. I closed the door and pinned her against it, making out while I worked her ass with my hands. She was into it, but then squirmed out to use the bathroom. When she came out, she was just wearing her underwear and heels and she looked fucking good. Nice rack (at least Ds), killer ass, cute face. And walking much more comfortably.

We fell onto the bed, making out like drunk freshmen even though we were in our early 30s. I got her naked and boom, the most beautiful goddamn pussy I’ve ever seen was sitting in front of my eyes. Hyperbole aside, this was still literally the loveliest vagina I’d ever seen. Perfectly shaped and already dripping. I pushed my fingers in, felt her body shudder, and brought my wet fingers up to her lips. She immediately ate her juices, which always drives me wild. I pulled her legs apart with my hands and dove right in, tasting her for myself as she moaned in pleasure. I’ve eaten a lot of pussy, and this is still my favorite experience. Soft, warm, and unbelievably wet.

We switched positions and she moved her lips to my cock. Man, I need to 23AndMe this girl because her lips were the thickest and softest of any white girl I’d been with. And she knew how to suck cock. Deep throated me, licked the shaft up and down, and made sure to suck my balls while she gave me a handjob. Even though it was great, I was still dreaming of that perfect pussy. I pulled her off, precum leaking out of her mouth, and detected a flash of disappointment in her eyes?

I threw on a condom. It was tough. I was tempted. I mean, I always use condoms because I’m still scarred by elementary school sex ed lesson on STDs, but Sam’s pussy was so enticing. Putting it out of my mind, I plunged my cock in her pussy while she was on her back. Ran my hands under ass. Lifted and squeezed tight as I felt her pussy clamp around my cock. Worked her ass with my hands and her pussy with my cock as she moaned, her beautiful face scrunched in pleasure. Flipped her over. Lined her up for doggystyle and rested my cock on her asshole. It was stretched wide, perfect for anal but, as Sam told me, “I’m a classy lady. Anal’s for the second date.” I couldn’t argue with that, so I pushed my cock in her pussy, spanked her ass hard, and grabbed her hair with my hand as I railed her from behind. Sucked my thumb and put it in her ass, and felt her pussy clench with a shudder.

We fucked for a while until she grew tired (it can take me an annoyingly long time to cum). She flipped over onto her back and dropped bombshell #1 on me. She had a thing for sucking dick. Like, legit, one of her favorite things in the world was to gag herself on a cock. She asked me if that would be ok to do for awhile. It took me all of 1 second to say yes. She gagged herself on my cock, cum and spit drenching my dick. It was wet, kinky, and awesome. While she did it, I pulled her body closer to I could spank and grope her ass. Told her it was so fucking sexy. It had passed midnight so I asked her if this was now officially the second date (aka, time to open that ass with my cock?). She politely declined but then asked if she could share something with me. She was kind of nervous, which was odd because we’d been vibing up to this point.

Sam got up. Went to her purse in the bathroom. Returned with [this](https://cdn.shopify.com/s/files/1/2030/4061/products/pureplugsmall1.jpg?v=1518233597). That’s right, a stainless steel hooked butt plug. She was visibly nervous. Told me she’d been wearing it earlier, aka, why she’d been walking so funny and didn’t want me to play with her ass in the uber. She’d taken it out because not every guy was into it, and it was ok if I wasn’t, and–I cut her off with a kiss. Because I’m really into butt stuff and this was the sexiest fucking thing I’d seen. Thus we began the really kinky shit.

**Butt stuff**

She got on all fours on the bed. Told me to put in the plug. I looked around for lube but she told me she didn’t need it. Her ass was already used to it. Music to my fucking ears. I pressed the plug gently against her ass. Teasing the opening. She grabbed her cheeks herself, spread her ass wide, and pushed against the plug herself. Told me not to be “so fucking precious with it.” I didn’t need to be told twice. I drove it in. Worked it in and out of her ass as she moaned and fingered her pussy. I pushed her hand away and pushed my cock into her pussy while I manned the plug. I could feel the plug pushing down on my cock from inside her vagina. Drove me wild. I pushed her head into a pillow while I worked my cock and the buttplug in and out of her. Every thrust, I could feel the metal handle driving into my abdomen and the metal head pulsing on my cock. It was ecstacy.

We fucked in a few different positions with the plug. It would occasionally push my cock out of her pussy due to the physics of it all. Clearly, I didn’t mind. We fucked until her pussy was raw and red and done. I was close but still needed a little bit more stimulation. She asked me what else I liked. I mentioned, outside of anal, rimming was a personal fave (I’d showered beforehand). She’d never done the latter. But she was curious to try. Music to my ears.

I moved onto my back. She gagged herself on my cock for a few minutes before shifting down to my ass. Explored my ass with her tongue. I was loving it but the positions were hard because of the geometry of it all and because I’m inflexible as fuck. We shifted positions. I moved to all fours in front of the mirror. She posted up behind me. Grabbed my ass and dove in tongue first. And I couldn’t stop moaning. Holy fuck, she was a natural. Moved her hand to my cock and started jerking me off as she ate my ass out. Told me she loved making me moan. At this point I was done. Pushed her back onto the bed, stroked my cock, and proceeded to erupt, soaking her rack with my cum. I normally shoot heavy but, after everything we’d done together, I made Peter North envious with my volume.

We cleaned up. Talked more. She popped her mouth on my cock and continued to suck me off. Asked me if she could just suck my cock all night and into the morning. But I had a super important meeting early the next day so I had to decline. My only fucking regret from that night. I blew the meeting (of course I was thinking of other things) and still think about how much we vibed that night and how great it would’ve been to continue.

Source: reddit.com/r/gonewildstories/comments/br5die/funny_women_are_the_best_also_butt_stuff_mf