[F] My neighbor found me on Facebook and harassed me for masturbating too loudly.

THE BACKSTORY: I live in an upstairs unit of a duplex alone. Below me is a close to 40 year old woman, her father, and the woman’s 2 kids. Sometimes the woman’s baby daddy comes over to watch the kids. He previously lived here with the whole motley crew, and I heard the close to 40 year old broad and him fight regularly. Her 2 year old child constantly shrieks and yells at all hours of the day, and they all cough super loudly downstairs. I can hear them do practically everything.

THE ISSUE: A little under two years ago, I was in my early 20s and living my life. I was newly single and regularly had male friends over to the house to fuck. One time, I was with a guy in the bedroom, and mid fuck session hear from below us, “YOU FUCK EVERY GUY IN THE WORLD/ON THE PLANET/IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD!!!!!” something to that effect, from the nearly 40 year old lady. Anyway, obviously me and the guy are very taken aback, but I simply explain it as my neighbors are crazy and somehow we both brush it off. The guy still hits me up to this day, lol. After that, I realize the bed makes a lot of noise, and either fuck future guys on the couch, when they’re not there, quietly, etc. I moderated my behavior to appease her realizing the thin walls in our building, and my sex life didn’t suffer.

A FEW DAYS AGO: I have recently completely sworn off of dating/sex/etc. I do not have anyone over to my house and have not in months, and haven’t been yelled at by the she bitch in nearly two years. However, I do enjoy my masturbation. Admittedly, during my regular self pleasure routine I would make a little more noise than I should have kindaaaaa to spite the bitch, doing thing such as bang my leg on the side of the bed so it makes the bed and wall shake, slap my thigh so it sounds like sex (ok this turns me on it’s not exclusively to annoy them), and say stuff like “fuck me oh yeah.” Soooo, yeah, I understand that could sound like sex. But here’s what you don’t do.

THE MESSAGE: After my later than normal masturbation routine (about 11:45, I usually get myself off i the morning before getting up for the day, or randomly during the day, VERY RARELY AT NIGHT) i get out of bed, and go over to my computer. I then go to my fridge to get a snack. Approximately TEN MINUTES have passed since I FINISHED masturbating, and then I proceed to hear two BANGS underneath me, followed by A FACEBOOK MESSAGE REQUEST FROM SHE BITCH. We have like TWO mutual friends so you KNOW this crazy bitch has gone on my facebook before and stalked me. She says, “I AM SO FUCKING SICK AND TIRED OF HEARING YOU FUCK GUYS EVERRRRY NIGHT. EVERY NIGHT. I’M ABOUT TO START COMPLAINING TO THE LANDLORD (lol this is especially funny because the landlord is like a grandfather to me and her thinking he’d ever believe her over me, or that i was even doing anything wrong is comical). I DON’T EVEN WANT TO LIVE AT MY HOUSE ANYMORE. (good, move out)” I can’t even believe what i’m seeing at this point. I remain calm in my message replies and say, “I apologize for making noise, but it’s just me up here.” she says stuff like “BULLSHIT, I HEAR YOU BOTH MOANING” (LOL i dont even watch porn with men in it) and i calmly reply, “you would see a car outside if i was with someone, it’s just me.” and she says “OH SO NOW UR A LIAR TOO” I keep calmly apologizing and she says stuff like “YOU KNOW I CAN HEAR YOU PEE WHEN IM IN MY BATHROOM” (uhhhh… sorry the house wasn’t built well? this reminded me of when a girl is haranguing her boyfriend for not spending enough time with her, and brings up something completely irrelevant to spite him). Like……ok.

THE NEXT MORNING: I wake up to multiple messages from this crazy woman “apologizing.” She’s saying how she has had really bad relationships and a really bad marriage and doesn’t trust men. She said, “I’D BE DOING THE SAME THING IF I DIDN’T HAVE KIDS,” (LOOOOL STILL CLEARLY THINKING I WAS WITH SOME GUY) (WHAT, MASTURBATE?! xD) I simply brush all that off and say I’m sorry too, have a good day.

ALL THE WHILE, I CANNOT HELP BUT FIND THIS ENTIRE SITUATION REMOTELY HILARIOUS BECAUSE IT WAS JUST ME. SORRY YOU’VE NEVER MADE YOURSELF CUM WELL I GUESS?

I thought surely the bringing multiple men over and in and out of the house would be a chief concern or issue with other neighbors, or a safety concern, or for the kids, nope. Apparently any noise that remotely sounds like sex is enough to send this crazy lady into a fit of rage. TIL that I’m not a prude, this woman is.

TL;DR VERSION: My bitter about men, undersexed neighbor finds me on Facebook and harasses me about “I’m tired of hearing you fuck guys every night, I hear you BOTH moaning (lol) when it was really just me upstairs.

Source: reddit.com/r/gonewildstories/comments/ayh5no/f_my_neighbor_found_me_on_facebook_and_harassed