Serious interpretations welcomed to help ensure clarity of theme: What is it that the woman is wanting most?
“Access”
She watched as her own shaking hand turned the key, unlocking the door that led to him. She willed the trembling to stop. He would hate it, after all, if he sensed her desire too soon. If he saw her need. So, as she always did while with him, she pushed it down. For the moment, at least. She stepped into the warm glow of the apartment’s entryway and heard him in his office, making his words, putting them together for the pleasure of everyone except her. “Ah, you are done, huh? How was he?”
He always danced with her this way.
It was the thing she hated the most about him. He was the only one, however, who could do this for her, who could see her for everything she really was. Though he would never be so artless as to say it. “He was fine.”
He turned around in his chair, facing her direction, looking straight through her. She averted her eyes for a nearly imperceptible second before meeting his gaze. “Come on now. You know you’ll need to do better than that. Tell me how he really was. How did you enjoy him?”
She kept her lips pressed together, willing her heart to slow.
“Did you let him see all of you?” Silence. He stood and walked to her. He ran a finger to trace the curve of her mouth. “Did you wrap those pretty lips around him?” Silence. He moved behind her, wrapping his arms around her waist. Moving upward, a hand found her breast and he gently teased it. “Do you think he liked these?” Silence. Shaking his head in disappointment, he called her name in her ear as he twisted the flesh. She couldn’t keep the cry from escaping her lips at this. “Tell me. Where exactly did you fuck him? I want to make sure I envision it clearly.”
She freed herself from his grasp and turned toward him. This time, she did not hesitate before staring him down. “Why do you care? What difference does any of this make? It’s not as though you love me.” She trailed off and whispered, “Or anyone, for that matter”.
He flashed a smile devoid of benevolence as he struck the side of her face. She laughed at him. “That is how you answer me? Even children know how to use their words. Everyone knows how to use them better than you. Even him.”
At this, he grabbed both of her wrists, stemming the flow of her vicious words. He pulled her toward him and calmly commanded, “Take off everything. Let me see you.”
Her chest heaving, she did as he told her, throwing each article of clothing with vehemence to the floor, never breaking eye contact with him. When everything was off, she said, “Here I am. Look at me. I’m very curious… What is it that you see?”
He sat back down in his chair, leaving her standing there, exposed. He turned back to his work, began to type, stopped. “I see a silly girl. One who thinks she knows better than I. One who thinks she does not need me. One who does not seem to understand that she belongs to me alone.”
He continued typing, as he always did, giving his thoughts to everyone except her. She stood. Waiting. The minutes dragged on. She knew better than to leave. She’d tried that once before and he’d gone without speaking to her for days, the worst longing she’d ever felt. More words. She waited for him to come back to her. The longer she waited, the more she wanted. More words. The keyboard’s clacking paused. Her body reacted as she thought he might come to her. He resumed. More words. She closed her eyes and exhaled, pressed her legs together tightly. She hated him for this, for making her this way. There was, she knew by now though, no other way she could be.
He had made her into herself.
A whimper. She bit her lip too late. He raised his head when he heard her, but did not acknowledge her otherwise. More words. She continue to stand, silently pleading with him to stop and come to her or call her to him. “Did he…make you wait for him like this,” he asked without looking up. When she did not answer, he turned around. “Answer the question. If it is to my satisfaction, I will let you come to me.”
“No. Of course he didn’t make me wait for him. You are the only one who makes such demands of me. And there was nothing to “wait” for in the first place. You know I did not fuck him. You know you have ruined that for me. There is no one else for me to enjoy.”
With the slightest motion, he gave her his permission to approach him. From his chair, where he gave the words of himself away, he looked up at her, his eyes shining, “You poor thing. You cannot enjoy yourself with anyone else. Such a shame”.
The last of her control spent, she raised her hand, a fury gleaming in her eyes. Before she could make contact, he pulled her by the arm, on top of him. Their lips met in tandem with her frenzied loss of control. Soon, she was able to make his nakedness match her own and he guided her onto the floor. As she lay looking up at him, he grabbed her hair and guided her mouth onto all of him. She made her eyes wide, gazing upon his perpetual equanimity, as she choked on the fullness of him in her mouth, in her throat, in the entirety of her. She worked harder, looking to catch a glimpse of his pleasure with her. As she observed him, his face never faltering, her heart ached for a time when she might see what lay behind his mask. Just once.
He pulled himself out of her gaping wet mouth and turned her over, face down. Though she reveled in the way he felt in her like this, she needed to see him. She slid him out of her and laid on her back, inviting him in.
There was a moment where they saw each other.
It dissipated as quickly as it had come. She thought it might have been a kind of love she saw flicker in his eyes. Or something like it. Whatever it was, most people would not have called it love, or romance, or even desire. It was too black for that. It might have repelled most people, but its sheer humanness drew her in and made her feel alive. It told her all the secrets he never would. It gave her all the warmth he never could. In any case, she would do as he asked, without regard to what he could give her. He had, after all, already given her access to herself. That was enough.
Source: reddit.com/r/eroticliterature/comments/avcpeb/access_a_short_story_interpretations_appreciated