So, I don’t know where to dump this. I was thinking a fanfiction forum would work, but I’ve done it, and I’ve felt so *ashamed* there. I’m hoping maybe some of you nice people can tell me what I can improve on with this? Or spam me with A+++ or winking emojis. “Kys” is fine too. I just wanna know what people think. Thank you. And yeah, it’s for a cartoon. The characters are aged up in this. There’s really some good fanart out there for this fandom.
**Title:** From Hell With Love
**Pair:** Stan Marsh / Craig Tucker
**Chapters:** 3/?
**Fandom:** South Park
**Rating:** Explicit
**Summary**
*“I’d rather get screwed than life screw me.”*
Officially a couple since high-school, Stan and Craig have quickly come out of their shells when it comes to engaging in heavy PDA… ever since their move to Denver, that is. With the less judgy eyes from their hometown, Stan thought it meant more simpler times. That is until his kinky past from high-school reared its ugly head at a public parking lot—thanks to a certain no good sociopath amongst his group of friends.
As things gradually fall apart for Stan, his boyfriend Craig Tucker is labeled a cheater. Addicted to love and attention, Stan ignores it and copes with it in the least unhealthy way he can think of possibly. By fucking. Transitioning from boyhood so far is a bit of a struggle. And they say it’s easy being a hypersexual, depressed, recovering alcoholic.
Source: reddit.com/r/eroticliterature/comments/9qirdx/hoping_for_more_feedback_on_my_mm_fanfic_maybe
Needs more editing. You forgot a “let” in the tagline, for starters. Then, go over your sentences and straighten them out. “With the less judgy eyes”… That bit makes little sense. Shouldn’t it be “without”? Also, “more simpler times” for example is too much. “Simpler” already is the progression to “simple”, the “more” in there is superfluous.
Can’t say much more from the posted snippet. You have ambition, but you seem to trip over your own words. If you don’t have a voluntary editor at hand, try to read your story aloud,, maybe record yourself on your phone. Listen to what you’ve read. Does it make sense to you? If not, it will probably have the same effect on your readers.