Questioning my sexuality [M]

Story/confession/advice request

Please excuse any poor grammar/story telling techniques, it’s been a long time since I’ve written something this large.

So let’s start from the beginning. I’m straight, always have been. I’m 22 years old, well built, manly, I’ve been with 50+ women and I currently have a very loving and amazing girlfriend. However, over the last year or so I’ve been questioning my own sexuality a lot.

Rewind a few years back to one Saturday night that I went out drinking with a good life long friend, we were having a good laugh and generally just a good night. During the night out we got speaking to a couple of girls and their gay friend, things were going well and I was hitting it off with one of the girls. At the end of the night once the last bar had closed me, my friend and the gay guy we’d met (I’ll call him Max for the purpose of the story), all went back to my place. After sitting downstairs for a little while my friend said he was going up to the toilet, leaving me and Max downstairs alone. About 10 minutes had passed and my friend hadn’t come back down, so I went up to check if he was alright as I didn’t know whether he was throwing up, passed out or whatever. Turns out he’d been to the toilet and taken himself off to bed. Fair enough, I guess I’ll be a good host and go back downstairs to keep my guest entertained. At this point me and Max are sat next to each other, me in the chair and him on the arm of the chair, TV’s on in the background, we’re sat chatting away, all’s good. But then after 10 minutes or so Max places his hand on my thigh near my knee (he was very flamboyant and would talk with his hands a lot). I didn’t think anything of it, we’d been drinking and gotten friendly so to me it was nothing more than that. As the conversation went on he’d keep gesturing with his hands and placing one back on my leg, only now it was getting further and further up my leg every time he put it down, until it eventually reached my groin. Once it was there he then gently began to stroke my crotch. I looked at him like a deer in headlights, I mean it felt really good but it was a guy doing it, do I stop him? Do I let him carry on and see what happens? I’m starting to get erect, does this mean I’m gay? I didn’t really know what to do, think or say. After a few seconds I said to him something along the lines of “Sorry Max, I don’t bat for that team”. To which he replied “Well he seems to like it”, looking down at my crotch. Things developed from there, he unzipped my jeans, slid off of the chair down onto his knees, took my dick out and started sucking it. Wow. This is the best blowjob I’ve ever had, literally flawless, what does this mean? Am I gay because I’m enjoying it? Is it just him that’s gay? After all he’s the one with a dick in his mouth, I mean I’m only getting my dick sucked? After some time Max stopped sucking, pulled his pants down, climbed on top of me and just as he was putting my dick inside of him, I stopped him. Not because I wasn’t enjoying it or that I didn’t want it to carry on, it was just out of shear fear that someone else would find out somehow. Maybe he’d tell someone, maybe I might accidentally let it slip or my friend could even catch us. Another 5 awkward minutes passed sat next to each other, this time a lot less talkative than before, until I showed him out and went to bed. I’ve thought back to this event countless times since it’s happened whether I’m just laid in bed on a night trying to sleep, whilst I’m having some ‘alone time’ or even when I’ve been getting intimate with a partner. Now I haven’t seen Max since then, even though he tried adding me on Facebook a day or two later (several years on and I still have his friend request sat pending) but a big part of me can’t help but want to relive that night again, or maybe even get in touch with him? I am filled with a deep sense of regret and not for letting it happen. I regret stopping it.

This time I’m going to rewind back to a little over a year ago when I was in Thailand. Long story short, after a night drinking in a bar I ended up going back to my hostel and getting a handjob (with a little bit of sucking) from a ladyboy, who I didn’t know was a ladyboy until after. In all honesty, I wish I knew before hand so I could’ve tried to make a move so that it was more than just that.

Anyway, the point of them stories was just to explain to you the only two gay experiences I’ve ever had. Since and in between these events I’ve had relations with multiple girls and none of them I’ve felt like I’ve had to force myself to do it or anything like that, my attraction to females is still there massively. I wouldn’t class myself as gay or even bisexual/bi-curious because I don’t actually find the male form sexually attractive. However I do find M2F transsexuals attractive and, at a push, even very feminine gay men or femboys.

I guess I should get to the point of the whole post now. What I want to know is, what am I? I’m attracted to females and transsexuals, does this make me gay? Bisexual? Something else on the spectrum? (I’ll openly admit I’m not massively educated on the whole spectrum). Other than the experiences I’ve spoke about I haven’t had any sexual contact with a man/trans but, I have masturbated to a lot of trans (and some gay) porn even more frequently as time goes on and I’ve even considered getting a trans escort just to clarify to myself whether it’s what I want or not. Sorry for the long post, especially if I’ve put this in the wrong subreddit, but I’ve been needing to get this off of my chest for a long time. I haven’t had the confidence to tell any friends or family about this, hence the throwaway account since a few friends of mine are also on Reddit and know my usual account name.

Any kind of advice, comments or questions are openly welcomed. Thanks for your time if you’ve made it this far!

Source: reddit.com/r/gonewildstories/comments/8xp0e5/questioning_my_sexuality_m