I’ve recently decided to try my hand at erotic fiction and I’d like some critique on the first chapter I’ve written for my first story:
Introduction
Hi, my name is Dave. Today is my 21st birthday and something really weird happened to me this morning.
Actually, I think I might be getting ahead of myself. Maybe I should tell you a little about myself first.
Yeah. Let’s start there.
I’ve always been pretty awkward in social situations. In highschool I said weird things because I didn’t pick up on social cues very well. I also wasn’t very familiar with various slang terms so I didn’t know what people were talking about all the time. That meant that I wouldn’t get most of the jokes people were telling or really understand what they were talking about. When I did get the joke my reactions made people… uncomfortable.
I also got forgotten about a lot. One time in particular we were all supposed to go out to eat. I had to get gas on the way so I left a little early and said I’d get us all a table if I got there first, which I did. I sat down, ordered a lemonade and waited for my “friends”. I got a refill after about a half hour, still waiting. When it was almost time for my curfew I paid for my drink with a very generous tip and went home. I found out the next day they decided at the last minute to go see a movie instead. They didn’t even realize when they were talking to me about it that I wasn’t with them at the theater.
It was things like this that made me retreat into daydreams a lot. I would imagine myself standing up for myself and telling them they forgot about me, or that I was a king in a far away fantasy land who was loved by everyone, or even that at least one girl actually remembered my name.
I never really grew out of that. I don’t get forgotten as much, but I’m still pretty shy. You know, the guy at the party that just sits on the couch with a soda watching everyone else have fun.
It sounds pretty sad, but don’t feel sorry for me. Like I said, something weird happened to me this morning, and I think it’s going to change my life forever. That’s why I’m writing this. I think my story is about to get really cool.
I have to go for now, but I’ll tell you what happened this morning next time.
Chapter 1 – The Apparition
So, I promised I’d be back to tell you about this morning. It was really weird. Last night I went to a party. The kind of party where everyone is, well, pairing off.
I’ve always been the kind of guy that has trouble in physical situations like that. My first kiss was at 18 with Kandi “The Collector”. She was called that because she only hooked up with first timers. She said she liked to collect v-cards. We were kissing on her couch, things were starting to happen and I started asking if I was doing ok. She laughed a little and said I was, but then we started talking. We talked until the sun came up and I left with my v-card still firmly tucked in my wallet next to the unopened condom I spent 20 minutes trying to get the courage to buy. After our conversation Kandi decided to go be a nun. I think she goes by Sister Sarah or something like that. I broke the collector.
Anyway, this morning at around 6am I woke up at the party totally alone, the only person in the room with any clothes on and decided to go home. The whole walk I was fantasizing about what it would have been like if I’d just walked up to someone, anyone, at the party. I imagined myself involved in all the action instead of watching silently from the couch.
I was still fantasizing when I got home and turned on the shower. I got undressed and stepped under the hot water, ran my hands through my hair and closed my eyes, mad at myself that I had to take care of my… needs… this way. I was facing the water, letting it run over my head with my hands against the wall, and that’s when it happened. I opened my eyes and couldn’t see anyone else, there was nobody there. When I moved my hands around the only thing I felt was air and water, but I could just tell that there was someone else in there with me.
I moved my hands down slowly, completely expecting to feel something there. Nothing. I couldn’t see anything except my very attentive self in the shower. I couldn’t feel anything when I tried to grab. My eyes and my hands told me that I was alone, but someone, or something, was in there with me. And whatever it was had a very talented mouth. At least I assumed it was talented, since I’d never experienced felatio before.
It had started by licking from the base all the way up to the head, then doing two clockwise circles around and back down. Then when it licked up the second time the circles around the head were counter clockwise. This went on for a long while. Up, two circles, down, up, two circles, down. I decided to stop trying to figure out what was going on and just enjoy it, so I closed my eyes and allowed myself to moan a little. That’s when it stopped for just a moment, and I felt a kiss right at the head and then what felt like sucking. Slowly my entire member was enveloped by this invisible mouth. I inhaled sharply through my teeth as I almost lost it when the mouth got to the base, but I held back. I wanted this to last. I swear I could feel the mouth smile because the suction stopped and I could feel teeth on the shaft. It’s like the owner of this mouth knew what I had almost done. After a moment the mouth closed again and slowly slid all the way back to the head, but didn’t release me. Instead it started moving up and down in long slow movements from the very tip, there it would give a little lick with the tip of its tongue, all the way to the base and back up again.
I started breathing heavily and moaning a little with every stroke. Then the mouth started doing three short, fast strokes at the head, lick, one long, fast stroke to the base and three short, fast strokes down there and another long, fast stroke to the head, lick, repeat.
After what felt like 10 minutes (but was probably closer to one) I could tell I couldn’t hold back any longer. I think the mouth knew too because on the last long stroke down it stopped at the base, with me completely inside, and started making swallowing movements with its tongue and throat. I felt the pressure build up for just a moment and then experienced a huge wave of pleasure go through my body as I climaxed. I could feel it swallowing, and when I looked down I couldn’t see any of my fluids exiting. It’s like they were made invisible as they entered the mouth and were just swallowed into the ether. When I couldn’t pump anything else out the mouth just stopped being there. It’s not like it backed off of me and went away, I just felt it one moment and the next it was gone.
Still in a daze, I grabbed the shampoo bottle and started getting myself washed up. When I finished my shower and turned around to turn off the water I felt a hand on my chest. I put my hand up and I could actually feel it this time. I still couldn’t see it, and I could feel the water from the shower, but I could grab the hand. Somehow, this invisible being let the water go through it, but it was solid to me.
I gently felt the hand on my chest with my own hands, it was the being’s left hand. The fingers were long and slender, very soft, and somewhat smaller than my own. I felt along the back of the hand to try and find out if there was anything else there, and I felt a wrist! My hands went slowly up a thin, soft arm that was bent at the elbow. As I made my way up to the shoulder, I could feel the arm move as if the body it was attached to was moving toward me. Suddenly, another hand, I assumed it was the right hand of this same being, gently took hold of my left hand and slowly slid it across the shoulders and then down the chest. It had very soft skin, breasts that seemed just a little smaller than average, and it seemed to be just about as tall as me, but thinner based on the height and width of the shoulders. It guided my hand down its soft, firm stomach, over the navel and through soft, short, neatly trimmed hair.
As my hand stopped below the hair it removed its hand and I started to explore. I could feel a little bump, what I guessed was a clitoris, and started to gently move my middle finger around it in small, slow circles. As soon as I did the hand on my chest grabbed my right hand and placed it on the small of the being’s back and then grabbed me with both hands and began to pleasure me as well.
I could feel this being breathing heavily as I pleasured her, although there was no breath on my face. I knew her mouth was close to me because she would gently kiss me from time to time. As I pleasured her, her hands moved faster. I finally got enough courage to slide a finger inside her and she kissed me with the most passion I had ever experienced. As her tongue explored my mouth, my finger explored her flower. When she pulled out of the kiss I decided to get even more bold and added a second finger and began moving them in a scissor motion inside of her. She shuddered and wrapped her arms around my neck and started to squeeze my hand with her thighs.
As I could feel her arousal continuing to increase and my hand was able to move around more easily, I closed my fingers and began massaging the front inside by curling and uncurling my fingers. This prompted her to relax her legs a bit and put more weight on my hand. I took this as a cue to put more vigor into my motion, so as I massaged with my fingers I also began thrusting my fingers in and out of her, lifting her off the floor with each thrust. As I moved my left hand faster and faster, I held her up with my right and she leaned back, holding my neck and lifting her feet off the floor so that I was fully supporting her weight, nearly pulling me over so that I had to counter balance by leaning backward.
Just as I felt like I couldn’t hold her up any longer I felt spasms around my fingers, which quickly spread to her legs, torso and arms so that she was shaking to the point that I nearly lost my grip on her from the extremity of her climax.
Then as she began to relax and go limp, just like when I had climaxed before, she simply stopped being there. The problem was, I had been holding onto her and supporting her weight, leaning back so she didn’t pull me over. So, when she vanished I fell back against the wall and then slipped and fell to the floor of the shower, stunned and a little disappointed that I didn’t get to reach completion again.
As I started to get up I felt her hand take hold of me again, slowly sliding up and down the full length of me. Then a pair of slender legs materialized at my sides. I could feel her bend over toward me and kiss me as she guided me inside her. It was a weird sight watching myself laying there, feeling the water along with my invisible parter. I’m not going to lie, the moment I felt her all the way down on me, with her lips pressed firmly on mine and our pelvises pressing against each other, I lost it. I had heard that guys usually don’t last long the first time, but I just knew I’d be different. So much for that. I could feel her laugh too. Her chest shook and she had a smile that broke the kiss. It wasn’t a cruel laugh though, I don’t think, just as though she found it amusing.
She didn’t vanish this time though. She started kissing my neck instead, and moving very slowly and gently. Having just released, I was pretty sensitive, so it hurt a bit.
Hurt isn’t exactly the right word, but it just felt…. I don’t know… overwhelming. But that didn’t stop her, and I didn’t really mind. I was so excited, and just happy to be having this experience. Even if I couldn’t see her.
I was a little surprised that I was able to stay… attentive…
I could feel her moving up and down, her flesh against mine, totally in control and really enjoying herself. I mean really enjoying herself. I’m not trying to brag here, since I was basically just laying there, so it’s not like I did anything spectacular or anything. She was just going hard and fast, arching her back, curling her toes and breathing really heavily.
The feeling of her was so real. As I layed there I was acutely aware of her toes against my lower thighs as they curled and uncurled. I could feel her knees squeezing and relaxing against my hips. The sensation of her bosom on my chest and our stomachs sliding together pushed me over the edge for a second time since I entered her. She didn’t even seem to notice as I let out a loud moan and the muscles down there flexed.
Without even bothering to react, she simply placed her hands on my chest and sat up, still moving back and forth. Then she took her right hand and moved it down and began pleasuring herself as she moved her hips. I could feel her fingers moving through my hair and brushing the base as it slid in and out of her with her motion.
As the water from the shower started to get cold, she began moving so hard and fast, now up and down slamming herself onto me, and I became very aware of the sensation of each thrust. So aware I was barely able to feel anything else. I could tell I was about to climax again.
All of a sudden I felt her push against me hard, shaking and spasming, squeezing me extremely tightly with her legs. I couldn’t last a moment longer, so we climaxed together. It was the best feeling I had ever experienced in my life. When we were both done I felt her lay her head on my chest for a moment and then she vanished again, leaving me alone in the shower, which was getting very cold.
As I got out of the shower I thought about how weird it was to finally lose that v-card to an apparition I couldn’t even see. I dried off, wrapped my towel around my waist, wiped the fog off of the mirror and looked at my reflection.
“Thank you” said a soft feminine voice from behind me. I looked in the mirror and I could actually see her.
“Holy shit! What the fuck!?” I spun around startled, barely catching my balance on the sink. She was tall, just as tall as me, but thinner. Her eyes were a piercing blue. Her frame was slim, almost disproportionally so. Her skin and hair were pink. Not like too much sun pink, but almost like a soft, nearly purple pink, and it was only barely covered by a tight, but flowing very low cut dress which ended just below the top of her thighs that was almost impossibly white.
“Who are you? What are you doing here?” I asked, surprised and confused.
“Dave, I’m here to thank you for giving me my form back.” She said with a smile as she walked into my room and sat on the edge of my bed.
I followed her, still confused “How do you know my name?” I asked, holding my towel tightly.
“I know everything about you Dave. I’ve been watching you since that night at the restaurant when you were in high school. It was your active imagination that gave me enough form in there” she gestured to the shower “to give you a new experience and your ecstasy gave me complete form and solidity.”
Then she went on to tell me that she was from another world and she was the queen of the eastern elves, who were conquered by the northern elves. When she surrendered, the northern elves’ archmage banished her to our world, but without form and she’d been wandering around our world trying to find a way to become physical again for over 200 years.
During her story I walked over to my dresser to get some clothes out as I tried to process what she had told me, “So, I made you solid and visible, and now you want to thank me? How?” I turned around to see her looking at me and I asked shyly, “Do you mind facing that way while I get dressed?”
“Really?” She almost looked offended, if she hadn’t been smiling “Even after?… fine…” She turned away and continued “Since your imagination is what brought me back, I’m going to give you a gift. I’m going to make your imagination real.”
“Umm what?” I ask, surprised, as I finished dressing and sat next to her on the bed.
“Whatever you imagine in this world will become real.” Her blue eyes looked deep into mine, like she could see what I was thinking, or had ever thought. For all I know she actually could. “There are some limits though.” she warned, “Your imagination won’t have any effect on people. That means that you can’t change anyone’s physique, behaviour, personality or have any effect on their free will. Not even your own. They will still be them, you will still be you. But you can change pretty much anything else.”
“So I could change my jeans into solid gold?” I asked with interest
“You could, but I’d suggest you don’t. Gold pants aren’t very comfortable.” She said with a laugh that sounded like springtime. Then she leaned over and kissed me gently on the cheek. “There. Be careful with your gift though, or it might end up being a curse. Anything you imagine will become real, so you’ll need to start getting it under control. For now, enjoy your birthday, and try to have fun.” And she disappeared leaving me alone with my thoughts.
Source: reddit.com/r/eroticliterature/comments/7vnvh5/the_virgins_birthday_chapter_1_fiction_mf_first