In this moment, we were infinite [MF]

I met M about 13 years ago, just to be clear, this is my best guess…my affinity for remebering specific dates/times is NOT good…so timelines could be wrong or off. I met her on myspace.com. This was before it was an obscure music site like today, it was the precursor of facebook. It was THE social network site where your self worth was determined by how many ‘friends’ you had, most of which you didnt really know. One day as I was browsing through hot girls to message in my area and I stopped in my tracks. She was beautiful. I was immediately smitten. She was eating ice cream in her picture, seductively licking the tip as if was a dick she couldnt wait to get into her mouth. The caption of the photo was that it was Black Cherry ice cream from Thrifty (now CVS I think?) and that being one of my favorite flavors, I sent a message. I dont know what I sent, I am sure it was dopey, but she replied. The details are lost to my memory as to what we would have spoke about, but after conversing for a while, we decided to meet.

She worked for a large retailer in a mall that had a niche flair. The day we met, I remember walking up to the storefront with absolute dread…what if? What if she thinks im ugly? What if she thinks im fat? What if she wants to run away? What if. This phrase would later cripple me, my actions and who knows what else. I saw her. She saw me. I was timid and screaming on the inside, but I tried my best to show that this was just a casual meeting, like I had done it a thousand times before. Our eyes met and we connected. Immediately. There was some critical fusion. We connected and it felt like I knew this girl from childhood. The kind of feeling that seemed like it was always there, as if we had been childhood friends and one day I realized she had boobs and had grown into a beautiful woman. I felt like I knew her, but was also nervous with sweaty palms and a quicken heartbeat. We opened up to each other from the get go, we shared all kinds of stories with one another. Stories of our past, what we wanted in our future. Thoughts on Death, Space, Love…Music. Music was this amazing connector for us. We would listen to music for hours at a time, usually late into the night. I had an iPod with hundreds of hours of music. I would play music to her, and explain parts to her, and she ate it up. She would stare at me with these Honey Colored eyes, not saying a word to me, but an attentive quiet that always made me feel like a rockstar. She would listen with kindness and care to every word I spoke. She loved to watch my mouth when I talked, and I loved to talk to her, and boy did I.

All I wanted was to be around her, and her with me. We were obsessed with each other. We would sit in my car until the early hours of the morning before I would inevitably drive home and it was a long drive. There were times she would ask me to stay, but her living situation at the time was odd. She was staying in a converted garage that was so, so fucking cold. Like unbearably cold. The biggest problem, which I dont know if she ever knew…there was no bathroom. I have had a phobia of people hearing me shit since I was a child, dating back to preschool. I had to have privacy, and dear lord I didnt want anyone to hear me or be around when I had to go. Not only that, but the house in the front that DID have the bathroom also had a rather aggressive/mean dog that honestly scared the shit out of me (no pun intended). It was because of this that I never took her up on her offer to stay. I would make some excuse to leave even when those eyes would beg me not to go. We were together so much you would have thought we were dating, but we werent. Infact, we never did. We were never an item, but the sexual tension was beyond anything ive ever known…at this point in our story I wasnt attracted to her, but yet I was. Its still a difficult thing to explain. It sounds like I cant make up my mind, and maybe I couldnt. Cant. Still cant. Thats why our relationship wasnt really physical. I wanted her, but didnt want to ruin anything. The whole ‘friends cant be friends if they have sex’, but I fantasized about her and I was in love with the idea of her and her beauty. She was magical. Then I found someone…and I left M.

I started dating a new girl, new girl was not happy about my connection with M, as I spoke of her highly. I would try to emulate my experiences with this new girl that I would have with M and they were not the same. Eventually, this new girl told me not to speak to M. So I didnt. I thought about M almost every day, but I felt the need to hide her, so this new girl would feel challenged by M. Well, this girl and I dated for a couple of years but her jealousy and insecurity weighed heavy. My relationship with this girl was no doubt the most TOXIC relationship I have ever been in. I will spare details, but the whole thing was a train wreck. Fights were almost a daily occurance, verbal abuse towards me was normal. The threats of breaking up became expected, and became a part of the relationship. To the point…that one time she said “That’s it! Were DONE!” I left. I had had enough.

Guess who the first person was that I contacted? Of course it was…M. We met, and started hanging out. Even after I ghosted her (which I dont think was a term I knew at the time, but was EXACTLY what I did), she started talking to me as if we just had spoke yesterday. We had to acknowledge the elephant in the room…me. I left her. Without a good reason or explanation. Just up and left. Cut off contact. Silence. I tried to explain it however I could, in what ever way made sense. I tried to justify my actions, but many years later, I know I was just making excuses. She was hurt. I hurt her in a way that a human should not hurt another. When me and new girl broke up…even though I should have felt grief, I didnt. I felt I had mentally checked out so long prior to this, it felt natural for me to let the magnitism bring me back to M.

Like I said before, im not the best with the details now (or ever really). There was a party. It was around the holidays. M invited me over, it reminded me of an old school kickback. People hanging out, enjoying each others company and getting drunk. Really drunk. I remember a fire pit outside, the flames danced and flickered. She sat upon my knee…concerned I was uncomfortable, but I just wanted her pussy near me. I moved and bumped my knee, I wanted her to get excited. I wanted her wet, and while I wasnt speaking to her, she would look at me while I stared into those flames. I felt like she was talking to me through the movement of that fire. There was something happening that was unspoken but we both knew at the same time exactly what was happening. I remember walking into the garage with her, we left everyone else behind…that door was a portal. It was a gateway to somewhere else. It was cold. It was always cold. We giggled a bit, the people talking sounded so distant, but they were just outside. This was so long ago that a lot of the details are fuzzy at best, but there are some things that are so vivid its like this happened last night. I cant recall the entire experience, but I do remember things that happened what I feel like was a decade ago, that are still fresh in my mind. We had blankets to stay warm and she was naked. I dont remember her taking her clothes off, but I remember every curve on her cool body. She looked beautiful, her tits were so big…I admired her large nipples and large aereola to match. Her breasts have a size and shape that only describable as perfect. I remember the smell of her skin. Her eyes were closed a lot, and I can tell you…that was a rarity with us, she always gazed at me, this was one of the few times she was not concerned with seeing me. She was enjoying having something she had likely fantasized and chased for years. Her body was soft, and smooth…every part of her was. Her pussy was soft and bare with my favorite color of pink. Her lips were glistening and plumped with anticipation…and I was hungry. I feasted on her clit and lips, lapping them up like they would disappear. I wanted to bite and tug on them, but resrained myself to licking with fierce determination. I tongued her hole, licked her juices into my mouth and inhaled her scent. Her smell was subtle, quiet…not abbrasive and strong. She tasted good, slick…her body was always ready, her friends joked about how wet she got and I was finding out first hand. She was a wet mess. A lovely mess and I wanted all of it. I remember the smell between her thighs, soft musk that drove me crazy. I remember pushing up, I still had my shirt on…I pulled the bottom of my shirt up, knowing if I left it, she would leave her grool all over the bottom of it, but I was too shy to take it off. I grabbed my dick…looked at her, fixated on her eyes…starred for a moment, and entered her pussy. The look on her eyes as I slid in and filled her up was a look of longing, completion. Her mouth opened, her eyebrows buckled and she let out a moan mixed with a gasp. I pushed inside of her as far as I could and stayed there for a moment. The look in her eyes was honest. Extacy. Desire fulfilled. I thrusted into her, one of my hands found its way up her arm and we clasped hands. I continued sliding my dick in and out of her and she did something that still to this day has profound effects on me. She put a free hand on my back, under my arm and her head turned sideways, and she moaned “Oh, mynamehere”. She whispered/moaned my name. It was the hottest thing I had and maybe even to this day have experienced in bed. I wasnt nameless. It wasnt ‘you feel good’ or ‘your dick is what ive needed’ She told me in two words. To this day, when people use my name in certain situations, I have flashbacks to that garage in that moment. I continued to bury myself in her, I could tell, I was getting close to cumming. I looked right at her, into her. She was looking right back into me, her mouth slightly open. I couldnt last any longer, I pulled out, my head thrown back in pleasure and…oh shit, where do I? Bed? Stomach? Boobs? I didnt know where to blow my load, I didnt want to make a mess…so I did the first thing that came to mind. My hand. I so desperately wanted to cum inside of her, but felt like we were already walking a fine line. I remember looking down at her…her eyes fixed on mine, and without needing to say anything, I layed down next to her. Our bodies merged that night. It wasnt sex, we didnt make love…I was in her, part of her. She was all around me, an extention of me. It was wholly unique. I sadly dont remember the rest of that night…I dont remember what we spoke of, if we even did at all after that.

I remember speaking to her with a Christmas tree in the room. Things were tense. I wanted to be called out, villified for my actions…I was to blame for leaving her, and wanted to be blamed. I made excuses but I did it again. I ghosted M a second time. Im a pile of shit.

Why would I do this again? I remember the pain and hurt in her eyes. Her beautiful eyes, but I was looking for a way out. A way out of what? I dont know. I felt like damaged goods (I still do), and I didnt want us to become a mess. My mess. This unstoppable gravitational pull into my mess. Even though I was the chief arcitecht in absolutely destroying her heart, I met another new girl…and the same thing on repeat, the new girl was threatened by M. We stopped talking. Two years of toxic bullshit, dead bedroom, and basically living with a female roommate came to an end. It ended quickly and before I knew it, there I was already talking with M again. I was consumed by her once more…but this time was different. She knew better then to just let me stroll back in. She was more reserved. Cautious. She was right to. Im a pile of shit. More time had passed…we were a bit more distant. Conversations happened, but not much else. I was reluctant. I wanted to hear her voice, but couldnt seem to commit to seeing her. I wanted to, but was afraid to. I longed for it and for her. It was during this time that I met a new girl (yeah, new girl 3.0) and talking with M wasnt as much a priority. New girl 3.0 and I date for 4 years…then get married. I have now been with her for 8 years (married 4) and M and I dont talk anymore. M is still there. In the little mundane tasks in my day. In the music videos I watch on youtube, in the mall when I walk by Johnnie Rockets. She has a residence in my mind, a pocket that is hers. I still think about M.

Plot twist: One of the things about M is she knew how my brain worked. We spent a lot of time together and she heard me babble and explain how I saw things. I am a musician, and write lyrics…I would write super cryptic poems…with no titles, I would just post them on a blog…M always read them. She would tell me what they were about. She was never wrong. Ever. She knew how I would use metaphor/analogy/shapes/colors/numbers when describing things…and she knew what I couldnt say to her, but wrote about her. Well, M has been on my mind. A tugging in the back of my mind…my obsession. I found her instagram page….it was private. I made an account. I requested to follow. She let me in. I lurked her posts. Checking daily. I responded to a post she made…with a downright cryptic as fuck paragraph. The next day she posted a picture that I sent to her years ago. I would wager more then 10 years ago. It was a painting in a hallway…when I sent it to her I said it looked like her. She still had it. On her current cellphone…who knows how many upgrades later…she transferred that photo, never got rid of it. She has since posted things, and my problem is I feel EVERY post is a message to me. Maybe I want them to be, but there was the picture of the painted girl and while everyone else around her is commenting, favoriting and making guesses about what she means…I know, just the way she knew. We are still connected. I am married. I love my wife…but M never left. I havent heard her voice in years…but I know what she sounds like. I still know what she smells like. I think about her often…Im a pile of shit.
So you ask me…with this intense pull. This need to have her…why did I never take it? Fear. I was always afraid…”If I feel this way now…what if she is done with me? Tired of me? Bored of me?” My fear prevented me from taking a leap…and 12 years later (two thirds of my life) has been tied to her, and after all this…I am still a piece of…

Source: reddit.com/r/eroticliterature/comments/7rwttf/in_this_moment_we_were_infinite_mf