So I'm completely new here, and wondering if I have any scrap of talent at this. Below is most definitely a first draft (I haven't even edited it yet) but I'm posting to gain first impressions and any/all perspective.
Anyway… thanks for reading! PM me if you'd like to speak privately. Otherwise, I look forward to reading your comments.
She walked into her apartment hours after sunset and switched on the lights. Finishing a email on her phone in her right hand, she stopped to place down her bag and lifted her left leg let up behind her to remover her shoe. The other shoe came off immediately after pressing the send button, and was thrown in the corner along with her bag. She hated her feet, she always had. No amount of pedicures could cure their awkward shape, she thought, and she hated the way that they never fit in any of her shoes. She took herself into her kitchen and unbuttoned the top button on her blouse as she reached for the bottle of wine she opened last night and poured the last few drops. After uncorking another bottle and venturing into the living room, she sat down on the couch and gazed out onto the city.
She always loved how much she could see from the 35th story of her building. They called a penthouse, but by her standards it was barely more than a normal apartment. The biggest thing about it, she always though, was how wildly inflated the price was. Staring out the window on a Thursday night, with a fresh glass of wine in her hand, she thought of all people dancing below her window. All of the college kids drinking cheep beer and well drinks hoping to muster the courage to talk to one another. All of the first dates that were more awkward than she was ever able to stand. All of the married men having the same dinner with their wives, and all of the married wives dreaming of being with anyone but the man they were stuck with. All of the married men wishing that their wife was the woman they'd been seeing after work.
She took a big long breath and lifted her ankle over her knee. Though she hated every inch of the flesh below her ankle, pressing her thumb along the ridge beside the ball of her foot sent chills down her spine. It was is if someone had approached her from behind and kissed her gently on her neck. She thought of this and began thinking of who it would be. A stranger in her apartment, waiting for her? No. Too obvious. Taylor, the new Marketing exec from California? Possibly. She loved the shape of his arms and his thick, black hair that always seemed to be washed in salt water. She pressed harder and deeper into her foot and remembered the her encounter with Jeremy.
Jeremy was a real estate agent who came to the city on rumors of riches to be had if you were to only put in a few extra hours of hard work. She was recommended his services from a friend, who after only a few showings, ended up buying, then immediately putting her house on the market. She didn't know why at first, but her friend couldn't stop talking about how amazing he was. As a realtor, of course, which she always specified. After meeting up with him in a local cafe, she was delighted with what she saw. She wasn't expecting to be graced by a tall, muscular, wide-receiver type man, with long blonde hair and glowing blue eyes. He smiled as he shook her hand and she saw that his teeth were perfect. As they walked towards the apartment, he told her that he played football in college but was sidelined his senior year due to an ACL injury. Falling back on his communications degree hasn't done him many favors yet, so he thought he'd try something new.
He spoke to her as they walked up the stairs to the building, and got a glimpse of his tight, round ass through his bluejeans. By all means, she thought, it was perfect. Each cheek individually moving up and down with every step and even slightly flexing and each leg lifted his body. When they got to the top of the stairs, he abruptly turned around and noticed that she had been staring at his rear. He smiled as if it happened all the time, and she asked him to repeat himself.
"How long have you been in town?" he said as they walked side by side towards the elevator.
"Not long. I'm typically only here on business," she replied dismissively, as if upset by the fact that, "and am usually in and out over the course of a few days but it's getting so frequent that it's cheaper for the company to move me here than to keep flying me back and forth."
"And what is it that you do, exactly?"
"I'm a partner at a law firm." She reached to the elevator and pressed the up button. In turning around, she noticed that her top button had been forgotten, and from his angle, Jeremy could see a bit more than she would have intended. His eyes whipped up to meet hers quickly, and he tried to play it off as if he wasn't looking. Suddenly he got quiet, knowing that he had been caught. When they got in the elevator, he pressed 35, and reached up to his collar. He unbuttoned the top button without looking at her, but with a slight smirk on his face. She looked over at him and watched as he did so, and imagined the rest of his buttons coming undone. She thought about his bare chest and perfectly rounded pecks, his abs peaking into a v above his waste line. She margined him reaching around her and running his hands up the back of her blouse, reaching up her spine slowly, softly, barely touching her skin and she reaches up to run her fingers along his concrete triceps.
The elevator opened at the 35th floor, and she found herself immediately in an apartment. Initially, she loved the way the space opened up. A kitchen extended from the entry way, and a living room swept to the left. She immediately walked towards the edge of the room and took in the view. Windows spanned from floor to ceiling, a good forty feet across the length of the room.
"Such an amazing view," Jeremy said, slowly approaching behind her, "from up here I almost feel like I could do anything I wanted, and no one below would have a clue what I was up to." He looked at her and smirked, as she looked up at him and softly bit her lip. His body was in every way what she dreamed about taking for herself. It was in that moment when she couldn't help but to start thinking about his cock. She imagined that it was already hard and pulsating inside of his jeans. As soon as set unbuttoned them, she imagined it would heave over the zipper, lunging for pleasure and the warm, wet embrace of two lips and a tongue.
"A full three bedrooms," he said, snapping her our of her daydream, "two and a half baths. Roughly four thousand square feet and change." He went on about features and amenities, but all she could think about was how his long, hard cock would feel between her teeth. Pulsating as his heartbeat ran rampant. Standing with her back up against the window, she couldn't help but to notice that her panties were soaking, and if she wouldn't have been wearing a tight, short, black pencil skirt, she would have been worried that it would have shown. She stared intently at him and tried to pay attention, but couldn't stop thinking about his tongue lapping up all of her moisture, and with her knees around his head, how her clit would feel as he sucked it between his supple link lips.
She heard him clear his throat and realized that she was standing with a hand over her breast. He smiled as she froze in uncertainty of what to do. She didn't know if she should pretend like she wasn't thinking of his hard cock pushing deep inside her pussy, but wanted it so badly that forgetting about it was nearly impossible. Again he stood, staring at her intently and silent from twenty feet away. Suddenly, he lifted his hand to the top of his shirt, and slowly began to unbutton it while walking towards her. By the time he had gotten to her, his shirt had been left in the middle of the living room, revealing everything she had imagined about his upper body. His abs were equally divided and more defined than she had ever seen in real life. His shoulders peaked into his collar bones, and she could see all kinds of muscles she didn't even know existed. When he finally got to her, he pressed her back against the glass and slowly dipped his mouth into her collar bone.
He began kissing her softly, and slowly. She could feel his moist lips as they touched her skin, sending shivers down her spine each time he did it. He reached behind her blouse just as she imagined, and she felt his triceps to be bigger than she had thought. Instead of reaching up her back, he placed his hand on the top of her skirt zipper, and tooth by tooth, began unzipping. Her bare skin around her thong was cold against the glass, but the feeling sent her into a state she had never experienced before. With both hands he began softly touching her ass, which quickly grew into a squeeze as she began to moan as he got harder and harder. Their lips were tangled at this point, their tongues gliding over one another until she pulled away with his lip lightly between her teeth. She couldn't take it anymore. She lightly pushed him away, freeing herself from the glass and sending a temporary panic through his entire body.
They stood a few paces apart for what felt like an eternity, breathing heavily and staring at one another so intently and with such focus that could never have been broken. He stood frozen, not knowing what to do after being pushed away from her. One step at a time, she slowly walked up to him, and bent down to her knees. The wood floor was hard and uncomfortable for only a second, until she was reminded of what was in front of her. She looked into his piercing blue eyes as she unbuttoned his jeans and lowered his zipper to reveal his long, pulsating cock. It was thicker than she had imagined, a fact that she was unbelievably pleased with. She took it in her hand and lowered her head into it's base. With their eyes locked, she ran the tip of her tongue all the way to the end of the head. She felt him shudder as she did, so she did it again, only this time with a little more of her tongue. She did it one last time with her whole tongue in contact with the shaft of his cock, and this time when she got to the end, she opened her mouth and dipped her head, pushing his cock inside of her. She moved slowly back and fourth, over and over, loving every second of the way that his flesh tasted in the back of her throat. With his cock covered in her saliva, she pulled away and looked back up at him, as she wrapped her hand around it, and slowly moved it back and fourth over the ridge of his head.
After just a few strokes, he couldn't take much more either. He crouched down to her level and pressed his mouth against hers, lunging his tongue into her mouth as far as he could, as he slowly rocked her backwards, and gently laid her on her back. With one motion, he removed her skirt and panties to reveal her soaking wet pussy, gleaning in the afternoon sunlight that poured through the wide open window. It was completely shaven, save for a small strip that extended up from her clit; all of which was perfectly manicured. He began to softly and slowly kiss the inside of her thigh, getting closer and closer to her pussy until he was nearly not op of it, then almost cruelly, switched to the other thigh and began towards her knee. She let our an audible, and uncontrollable moan, as he suddenly turned reversed direction, and with the tip of his tongue on her bare skin, grazed her inner thigh from her knee all the way into her clit. Her body exploded with extacy. She felt every inch of her skin come alive as he flicked her clit with his tongue. He began licking from top to bottom, again and again, until finally, he pressed his face against her labiya and pushed his tongue into her pussy. Her head tilted back and she let out another uncontrollable moan as she reached for the back of his head. "Fuck me," she said between gasps, "oh my god, please fuck me." He stared at her and with the same look of intent, pushed his thick cock into her soaking wet pussy, causing her to gasp in pleasure.
He started slowly, thinking that the size of his cock may have caused some slight pain upon insertion. If it did, she certainly didn't mind it. Back and fourth he pushed his cock inside of her, slowly speeding up until the pace aligned with their breathing. She felt the shaft of his cock slide between her labiya over and over again, and the ridge of his head run over and over along the wall of her vagina. Every push and every pull intensified the pleasure, and when he licked his thumb and started rubbing her clit as he pushed back and fourth, she exploded in one of the biggest and strongest orgasms she had ever had. As she felt her body shiver and quake in uncontrollable convulsions, she focused on the feeling of reaching her climax, as he continued to reach his.
With his hands behind her back, he lifted her off the floor, and gently pressed her against the glass. Again, she felt the familiar feeling of the cold air behind her, but was too distracted by the orgasm she had just had, and the possibility of reaching that climax yet again. He lifted her leg as he went in for another long, wet kiss, and began pushing himself into her harder and harder. Over and over again she felt herself slowly building to another orgasm, as she focused on how his thick wet cock felt as it slid in and out of her swollen and throbbing pussy. His breathing began to intensify, which made her focus even more on how he felt inside of her. She could feel his cock swelling little by little as his pushing and pulling began getting faster and faster, his breathing heavier and heavier, and his growing becoming audible. She felt herself getting closer and closer to another climax as he fucked her harder and harder, until suddenly she felt that feeling once again. As it radiated up her spine, she dig her fingernails into his back. Shortly after her orgasm began, she felt a outpouring of warmth deep inside of her pussy, and was ecstatic to actually feel him finish as she watched him shiver and moan in pure delight. Almost immediately, they both collapsed onto the floor. Laying beside one another, they fought for to regain their breath as they stared at the ceiling in amazement.
"So," Jeremy said, "what do you think?"
"I'll take it."
Releasing her foot from her hand, she realized that her glass was empty. As she stood up to pour herself another, she felt a familiar moisture between her legs, and instead, headed to her bedroom.
Source: reddit.com/r/eroticliterature/comments/2sd78n/my_first_stab_at_erotic_fiction_looking_for_any
Given your apparent grasp of English grammar, I’m going to assume that most of the gaffs I saw in here were just little mistakes you’d normally catch on an editing pass. The one I think I should point out is: > She could feel his cock swelling little by little as his pushing and pulling began getting faster and faster, his breathing heavier and heavier, and his *growing* becoming audible. I really think you meant "growling" there… unless she could somehow hear his penis’ diameter increase by a couple millimeters or so. Meanwhile, this one is rather humorous. > his supple [link](http://images4.fanpop.com/image/photos/23700000/Link-link-23712629-1024-768.jpg) lips. Other than that, I’d recommend working on transitions. > A stranger in her apartment, waiting for her? No. Too obvious. Taylor, the new Marketing exec from California? Possibly. She loved the shape of his arms and his thick, black hair that always seemed to be washed in salt water. She pressed harder and deeper into her foot and remembered ~~the~~ her encounter with Jeremy. >Jeremy was a real estate agent who came to the city on rumors of riches to be had if you were to only put in a few extra hours of hard work. […] The issue here is the suddenness of this Jeremy character showing up and suddenly taking over the rest of the story, especially after it seemed like you had intended to talk about Taylor. If I were to edit this, I would recommend cutting out the sentence after "Possibly" and replacing it with something that dismisses Taylor and introduces Jeremy. I would also recommend breaking off the flashback with some kind of scene-break identifier like [dingbats](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Section_(typography) or a horizontal rule or some such. I’d also recommend avoiding the passive voice. It’s not *always* bad — I find it useful to show when a character is powerless — but here, it doesn’t seem to serve a purpose. (I could, however, imagine it used to good effect in a BDSM story written from the sub’s POV.) If you don’t know what I mean, and many people don’t, here’s [an explanation](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/English_passive_voice) and a couple examples from your text plus revisions. > […]his shirt had been left in the middle of the living room[…] […]he had left his shirt in the middle of the living room[…] > It was thicker than she had imagined, a fact that she was unbelievably pleased with. It was thicker than she had imagined, and she was unbelievably pleased with that fact. … or more succinctly… It was thicker than she had imagined, which pleased her unbelievably. Unless this is the start of a novel, I’m not sure what the function is of the characterization at the beginning. If this is just going to be one scene, making the main character think about how the masses below her are inferior probably doesn’t help the connection for your readers; most of them will be the people down there. She doesn’t *need* to think that stuff, and even if she does, telling the reader about it is up to you. Of course, if this supposed to be part of a longer story, go ahead with whatever characterization you want. You should pay a little closer attention to the point of view. While this is written in third person, it appears to be third person limited. The times the narrator slipped into knowing Jeremy’s thoughts threw me; I had thought everything would come from her. You should make it either more clearly third omniscient or reign in the instances where the POV slips. This is the sort of thing I often see in writing that falls prey to emotional exposition (also known as being telly), and I believe it crops up in these sorts of instances as an easy way for the author to hurry through a scene or push through a section (s)he doesn’t know how to express as fully as it should be. Other than that, the pacing and the content seem good to me, much better than I’ve seen elsewhere. Especially for a first post, this went very well, and I expect you’ll only improve.
This is a great response.
Thank you! I try to be helpful when I have the time, and editing is kind of my thing. It’s nice to have a place I can do it without any pressure.
it’s well appreciated. Saw your other responses and they are also very helpful. Will be following you..