I've always had this silly idea in the back of my head, that maybe I should be writing more than just forum posts and rants on facebook, that maybe I might have more to say, or share, than I've been allowing myself.
So, within that vein of thought, I sat down, and through a mix of two things that really did happen to me, along with some embellishment and other imaginings, I put the following partial story together.
I have no idea what to expect from this, good bad or indifferent, but If you take the time to read it, please share your thoughts / critique. Writing like this is experimental for me and I'm going even further on the limb by making it erotic… and know that I know, that this is rather rough. I've gone over it a few times, and I think I could continue to edit, just this tiny piece for ages.
Point is, I know I'm a newb, and have a long way to go before I might be 'good'. So be honest, but also respectful please. Advice, points, a direction… all welcome.
This is just the beginning. The second piece and most of the conclusion are outlined. If folks show interest, I'll finish it up and post it as part #2.
Laundry Day…
Saturday morning… close to noon, still tired from staying up too late the night before. I get some coffee started then head back to the other end of the house to grab some laundry for the wash.
It's a beautiful spring day, really warm outside so I pull some windows and the door open, with just the screens on to keep the bugs out.
I live on a quiet street in the suburbs, and mine is the last house before a few empty lots, so I get zero foot traffic. I don't even think twice about traipsing about the house in my boxers.
I'm 28 years old, about six foot tall, a little too thin but muscular and wiry from working construction all year. I think that I'm considered attractive despite my hawkish nose. I have long hair and about 3 days of facial growth. I need to shave, but don't much care too. If I have an attribute that stands out, women often tell me that I have nice hands.
I'm humming along to "Sweet child o' mine" squeaking out of my old radio while stuffing dirty clothes into the washer when I hear a flat knock on the screen door. The door isn't latched, so it swings half open at the touch.
I'm a little startled and surprised when I look over and see an attractive woman, twenty-something, dressed modestly in shorts and blouse carrying a hand-bag and a stack of pamphlets. She has long, strawberry blonde hair, and I notice right away, tight, fit legs and a cute face.
Regardless of my surprise, I sheepishly say hello, and without even considering that I'm more naked than not I approach the door, baffled that there's anyone there at all, nevermind this pretty young woman.
She appears to be about as nervous as I am, and begins a rehearsed line from the sheet she has clutched in her hand. She stutters a bit but recoveres quickly. She says "My church has asked a few of us to pass out these pamphlets to let people know about our Sunday services". She looks up expectantly, while reaching out to hand me a pamphlet. I take it, and our fingers touch, giving me a slight chill down my spine.
A slight breeze blows through the house and I notice that she smells really nice. A complimentary scent to the spring air.
I smile and look down at the pamphlet, surreptitiously her thighs. She doesn't seem to have more to say, so I tell her that I'm not particularly religious but if she wants to talk, she's welcome to come on in as long as she doesn't mind if I do some laundry while we chat. I gesture at my obvious near nakedness, expecting a repsonse, but instead she just smiles again, very deliberately pushes the door the rest of the way open and walks over to sit down on the couch.
She looks demure and slightly nervous, with her legs together and a stack of pamphlets gripped tight in both hands. Despite the apparent nervousness, she's still wearing a grin that looks more mischevious than awkward. I think to myself that so far her actions have been more bold than timid.
The situation was feeling rather unreal, her sitting there with me standing in only my very brief thin white boxers. I didn't really know what to do, and I don't think it was conscious thought that got me there, but I walked over and sat next to her.
We both sat quiet for a few moments that felt overlong. While I was trying to think up something to say, and becoming increasingly aware of how close to nude I was, she looked over at me, a little red-faced, and then suddenly stood up, mumbled something I didn't understand and took off out the door.
I stood up to follow, but she had distanced herself from the house rather quickly and I didn't want to run outside in only my underwear.
I was puzzled, and more than a little disappointed that she'd left so quickly. I'd gotten near as much warning with her leaving as I'd had with her coming.
I turned around, shook my head, laughed a little, walked to my bedroom, found some jeans and a shirt to put on and then ran outside to see where she had gone. She and her church group were a few doors down talking with my elderly neighbor. They all looked up when they heard my screen door shut. I waved, she waved back, then turned away as the group said their goodbye's to my neighbor, got into a mini-van and drove away. With nothing more to do or say, I went back inside refilled my coffee mug and sat down on the couch, still warm where she'd been sitting, and attempted to take stock of what just happened.
Though there had been few words and only the slightest of contact, the experience left me with my blood pumping. Amazed at how electrified I'd become, I leaned my head back and closed my eyes. My mind was replaying the experience over and over, changing the subtleties to suit my fantasies. Fantasies that eventually got the best of me. My cock began to throb in my pants, I couldn't help myself, I reached down, and pulled my already erect cock out and stroked it thinking of what might have happened differently with this impromptu beautiful stranger who had come to my home, and then left again after such a brief encounter.
As the days turned to weeks, the memory of the experience and the fantasy became a sort of routine. I would sit on the couch and masturbate thinking of the day I'd had a beautiful stranger come to my door. Each time I would imagine having said something clever or having reached over and touched her leg while she sat there, each action or word a catalyst for the fantasy to bloom. A touch turned to another, and then a kiss, and well, you get the idea.
Time passed, a month or more, I don't remember now. It was my day off during the week. I was killing some time playing a video game, awaiting the time to go meet my friends for drinks that afternoon.
It was still warm out, and after her visit and my subsequent fantasies, I'd gotten into the habit of leaving the front door open, screen door closed but unlatched. I'd come down from the high of the experience, but it was still fueling my masturbation ritual on a nearly daily basis. Despite this and though I suppose I'd subconsciously hoped to run into her one day, I was harboring no real belief that I'd see her again.
Amidst the noise and distraction of the game I was playing, I almost didn't hear it when someone at my door cleared their throat. Once again startled, I jumped a little, and when I turned to see, it was her at the door, and already pushing it open, though I'd not invited her in. I was dumbstruck and overwhelmed at how attractive she looked framed by the door and the sunlight streaming in around her.
She let the door shut behind her, and stood there smiling dressed in a white t-shirt and semi-raggy short jeans with her long reddish-blonde hair flowing down her shoulders and onto her chest. She looked different, less demure, and it took me a few moments to realize she was wearing makeup that was absent at our first meeting, and this time her clothes are a little tighter and I can see that through her shirt, the bra she's wearing is lacy, sexy, on purpose. Her cute face and fit legs are the standouts of her appearance, and though I can't tell with her facing me, I imagine that she must have a really fantastic ass too.
Then, in an instant, several things cross my mind at once. I felt my face flush red, as several weeks of stroking my cock to thoughts and fantasies about this woman came flooding back to me. It was my turn to studder. I didn't know what to say, and then I began to feel myself getting hard. I thought, at least I'm wearing pants this time. Feeling unusually confident, perhaps inspired by her bold intrusion, I let my inhibitions go and allow myself to become erect.
I stood there facing her, each of us looking one another up and down, taking each other in, appraising. I was sure she'd noticed my hard-on, she smiled and then looked me in the eye.
Nearly choking on the words, I nervously said, "Hey again, how are you… come on in." even though she was already standing in the room.
Source: reddit.com/r/sexystories/comments/2ldbb3/laundry_day_mf_a_surprise_visit
I think it’s a good beginning, and there are some points to be fixed. Perhaps because I’m a woman or perhaps because I’m a detail-nut, there were a couple of moments that stood out. >found some jeans and a shirt to put on and then walked outside to see her and her group a few doors down talking with my elderly neighbor. Why going outside? To check the mail, soak up some sun, see if you can still see her in the neighborhood? My assumption is that he didn’t want to follow her outside in just his boxers since you state that; however, I didn’t quite follow the chain of thought that he specifically got dressed to go outside and find her. Perhaps illustrate his decision to get dressed to find her more prominent in his thought process? >Though there had been few words and no contact But there was slight contact when their fingers brushed against each other. Since it caused a chill down his spine, I don’t think you should dismiss this reaction when he’s reminiscing over the brief encounter. >Throbbing in my boxers, I couldn’t help myself, I reached down and stroked it But he’s currently wearing jeans? I know that he’s wearing boxers under the jeans, but (and this is where I think my woman brain just needs additional details filled out) when did he take off the jeans? Or is he still wearing them, and then he releases his hard cock from the restricting confines of jeans and boxers? >I nervously, nearly choking on the words said I think it would read better if you changed the structure of this to something like: ‘Nearly choking on the words, I nervously said’ or perhaps ‘I nervously said, nearly choking on the words’ – at the moment, it begins to read as an incorrect sentence. There are a couple of other phrasing and punctuation errors (those pesky commas), but I really like the start of the story! I would love to read more! I hope my critique is helpful, and if not, I sincerely apologize and can certainly remove it. It’s a delightful, teasing beginning that I think could be made stronger, but it certainly makes me want to know what comes next! :)
You’ve made some great points. Definitely helpful. Those continuity mistakes are huge. I should have noticed them. I need to work on a way to maintain my cadence… that voice in my head, as I write, without the overuse of commas and elipsis that I’m very prone to. ;) I don’t want to let myself become too concerned with grammar and punctuation right away. I want to see if I can just write a good story first. To address your points… Went outside to see where she went. I’ll try to make it more clear. I added the bit about the fingers brushing after I wrote the line about no contact. So that’s a continuity error I need to fix. The jeans and boxers. Another continuity error, because I had gone back and added things. Again, something I need to fix. "I nervously, nearly choking on the words said" I think I’m ok with this line, though I get your point. I speak with a broken cadence, and write the way I speak. I almost wish I could just record this as audio. I feel like I lose a lot between what I hear in my head and what is written. Something I’ll need to work on. Along with those commas. Thanks a ton. Big help.
Edited to make changes based on your comments. Again, thanks a ton. Feel free to point out any other errors you’ve found. I’ll be going back over it again myself.
Cool! Glad I can help… and regarding the "nervously, nearly" I completely understand. We all have our own individual ‘voices’ that *should* come out in the way we write. It’s what makes each of our stories different and unique! :) And perhaps, when you’re finished with the story, you should try voice recording it and posting to one of the audio subs. :)
Nice! :)
You definitely could record this as an audio! You should check out /r/gonewildaudio if you haven’t heard of it. ;)