Under the dim computer light [MF]

6 comments

1. Alright, since this is a reasonable length scene to edit line-by-line, I’ll see what I can do to help. Though, it’s going to take two comments. >She yawns. You look over your shoulder to see her lying on the bed on ~~top of~~ her stomach, feet up in the ~~hair~~ **air** and hands supporting her head. She has been quietly watching you work on your computer for about one hour now. She is absolutely beautiful. Ending the first paragraph with “She is absolutely beautiful” isn’t too bad of an idea in a second-person story. However, I’d recommend playing it up. Say more than that; mention how looking at her makes “you” feel. Smiling reflexively or stress melting away are good options in this case. >She is a tall girl, about 1.80 meters. Deep, brown eyes and dark red, straight long hair which, had her been standing, would reach to about the level of her nipples. She has a very attractive, slender build and her breasts are small and cute. Her skin is very white. And here we run face-first into the biggest issue with second person. If the reader doesn’t find these attributes attractive, you’re losing them by the second paragraph. Some people (like me) find shorter girls more attractive. And while I happen to like small breasts, many people prefer larger ones. Given how you’re describing her, it seems like the reader is supposed to find a tall Irish girl “absolutely beautiful.” I won’t say they aren’t — beauty is in the eye of the beholder — but as an author, you should be aware that not everyone feels this way, and positing that your reader does can harm immersion. For that reason, unless you limit your use of definite language (color, size, etc.) second person is not ideal. I typically stick to third or first person. Also, the first sentence of that paragraph is worded somewhat awkwardly. Here’s my suggestion for how to rephrase it if you decide to keep the description. “At 1.8 meters tall, she covers most of the bed’s length.” >Today she’s wearing your favorite lingerie~~,~~ **:** a blue set with fancy floral ~~patters~~ **patterns**~~:~~ a pair of pantyhose with straps that link them to her panties which ~~were~~ **are** decorated with a little bow on the front, and a bra which is pretty tight to her breasts. One would think this ~~was~~ **is** a special occasion, but it ~~was~~ **is** not. She always said she felt comfortable wearing them, and since you always liked it so much**,** she was happy to wear it whenever you two were alone. The sentence “One would think this was a special occasion, but it was not” is more akin to what one would see in a textbook or a rather formal third-person story. Furthermore, the sentence doesn’t really add anything; the next one shows exactly the same thing but in a better way. >She notices you looking at her. > >"Are you done for today?" – She asks, smiling at you. > >"I’m getting a bit tired." – you reply nodding your head affirmatively. I don’t know from where you got the idea to punctuate dialogue like this, but it is absolutely incorrect. [This page](http://theeditorsblog.net/2010/12/08/punctuation-in-dialogue/) has a very nice list of rules and examples for dialogue’s punctuation. Keep this in mind for every following line of dialogue. >"Wanna play a little?" > >"I don’t know if I can keep up, it has been a long day." – You feel a bit bad for denying her, but you really worked a lot today. There’s a comma splice in the dialogue. Also, not using the contraction “it’s” makes the dialogues seem inorganic. >She gets up and moves over to you, sitting on your lap and putting a hand on your face. This sentence exhibits what I’ve heard called “rubber arm syndrome.” That is, given how it’s punctuated, it makes the character do two incompatible things simultaneously. When you use the progressive tense (of “to sit” in this case) it’s assumed that the other actions take place _while_ the progressive one happens. In this way, the sentence means “While sitting on your lap and putting a hand on your face, she gets up and moves over to you.” To fix this, you simply need to change the comma to the word “before.” >"Well, ~~lets~~ **let’s** find out." > >Without hesitation**,** she leans her head against you, making your lips meet hers. She has always been a great kisser**,** and your tongues move around, tasting and holding each other as she wraps her hands around your head softly. She raises her right leg, moving it to the other side of you so she can be facing you directly. She leaves your mouth and looks down at the clear bump in your shorts. The sentence “She raises her right leg, moving it to the other side of you so she can be facing you directly” gets a little long. It can be trimmed back to “She raises her right leg, moving it to your other side to face you directly,” which conveys the same information but with five fewer words. >"Looks like someone is willing after all." – She says, moving one hand to feel your member trough ~~you~~ **your** clothes. > >You look down and ~~you~~ see her panties are getting very wet, so you wrap your arms around her waist and pull her to you~~,~~ so that you can help her using your bulge. She gasps and returns the grip, wrapping her arms around your neck and resuming the passionate kiss. Her breasts now rub against you as she sways her hips back and forth to try and get the most out of the situation. Suddenly she stops kissing you and rests her head on your shoulder. She starts breathing a little more intensely, and moving her hips more violently. [This](http://www.chompchomp.com/handouts/commatip07.pdf) is about the comma I removed. >"F-fuck" – she says quietly, so quietly you are not sure if you heard it well. >"What did you say?" > >She moves her head and whispers into your ear: > >"Fuck me. Now."

2. >She ~~moved~~ **moves** a bit back, loosening her grip on you to give you some space to work. You quickly and somewhat clumsily expose your erect penis by partially lowering your shorts. She quickly grabs it and gives it a few strokes~~, y~~ **. Y**ou can almost feel a "Finally!" from her move. You ~~could~~ clearly see the look of pure desire on her face, like an animal who hasn’t been fed for days. She ~~looked~~ **looks** at it hungrily~~,~~ and started grinding her crotch on it as she stroked it. She seems to be having fun, but you are not sure how longer you can take this. Suddenly she looks up at your eyes, completely stopping what she is doing. Here are [a couple](http://web.cn.edu/kwheeler/grammar_subordinate.html) more [pages on grammar](http://theoatmeal.com/comics/semicolon). >"Sorry…" > >She grabs your head to give you a last, quick kiss on the lips, and then she positions herself over your cock, pulling her panties to the side to expose her wet entrance. She wraps an arm around your neck and slowly comes down, sliding your cock into her depths. She gasps and holds her breath as your shaft penetrates her like she wants to fully concentrate on the feeling. Finally she rests again on your lap, fully impaled by your rock hard cock, and you see her close her eyes and let out a strong sigh~~,~~ as she shivers lightly. The way you phrased “She gasps and holds her breath as your shaft penetrates her like she wants to fully concentrate on the feeling” runs together awkwardly. If you moved her apparent motivation closer to her action, it would seem more natural. For example: She gasps and holds her breath like she wants to fully concentrate on the feeling of your shaft penetrating her. As for the comma I removed, having one before an “as” where one shouldn’t be is a very common mistake. This is probably because there are some situations where it is appropriate. When you want the “as” (or “for”) to mean “because,” you use a comma before it. Otherwise, if you mean for it to denote simultaneous action, you need to leave out the comma. Note that in some situations the relationship is ambiguous, so it’s up to your discretion in those few cases. One happens in the first sentence of a later paragraph that is preceded by a question of mine. >She once again wraps her arms around you and rests her head next to yours~~,~~ as she lightly shakes her hips back and forth. You take this opportunity to slowly move your hands up her back~~,~~ and undo her bra. Once it is out of the way, she stops swaying and leans back, letting you take a good look at her beautiful breasts. > >She never liked her breasts. She always thought they were small, and she always thought you felt the same~~,~~ even ~~tho~~ **though** you let her know how much you love them at each opportunity you ~~get~~ **got**. > >You grab one of her breasts and start fondling it, making circular motions with your thumb around her small nipple. She is just looking at the void as you do this, ~~just~~ taking all these feelings in as her breathing gets stronger and faster. You ~~then~~ lean forward and start using your mouth, sucking lightly and playing with her hard nipple. She resumes ~~her~~ rocking and starts moaning very faintly. You think it is time to give her what she wants now. Now, you’ve done pretty well with avoiding [filler words](http://litreactor.com/columns/8-words-to-seek-and-destroy-in-your-writing) thus far, but in this paragraph, you stumbled a bit. >Your hands run down her body, down to her thighs**,** which you squeeze and stroke. Her skin is so soft and pleasant, and soon you feel your partner shiver lightly once again. Oh gosh, [the missing comma](http://learnenglish.britishcouncil.org/en/grammar-reference/relative-clauses-non-defining-relative-clauses) there has weird implications. Without it, you imply that this girl has more than one pair of thighs. >"Please!" – She pleads. > >You move your hands back to rest _in_ her ass. You lock eyes with her**,** and she knows what’s ~~coming~~ **coming**. She closes her eyes and once again leans against you, resting her weight against your torso~~,~~ and pressing her beautiful breasts and hard nipples against your chest. (Emphasis mine.) Did you mean “in” or “on”? >You start lifting her up into the air slowly, as she lets out a moan which is more audible this time. ~~once~~ **Once** only the head of your cock is inside her**,** she holds her breath again. You guide her down onto your lap again, and this time**,** she reacts much more violently, letting a short scream and tightening the grip around your neck. You do it again, and again, very slowly every time to make sure you both feel every inch of your cock rubbing against her walls. Her moans are getting quite frequent and loud now. She moves her head in front of yours and starts kissing you ~~in~~ **on** the lips again. You keep going, this time picking up the pace a bit more, and ~~suddenly~~ she ~~starts whimpering~~ **whimpers** loudly and ~~trembling~~ **trembles** uncontrollably. You keep going, but you start feeling her vagina contract around your dick more and more with each penetration. You cannot hold it anymore~~, t~~ **. T**he feeling of her pussy and her amazing kiss are too much, and you guide her down one last time before you ejaculate, filling her womb with your hot seed~~,~~ as your partner now calms down and starts moaning quietly and faintly again. You finally stop kissing her, thinking that, if it weren’t for that kiss**,** this would’ve been a rather loud scene, and she rests her head once again on your shoulder, smiling and sighing a faint "Thank you". You hold her in your arms. In the case of that comma splice, I’d actually go with a dash instead of a period, but that’s just a personal preference thing. Also, this paragraph is rather long. Typically, you should try to avoid ones much over 100 words, and this was around 250. I would break it at “You cannot hold…” >You’re very tired after this, but you don’t want to disrupt the moment. You end up falling asleep, holding each other, with you still inside her, your last thought being that you forgot to wear a condom during all this, but you’re too tired to think about it now. It is probably fine. Overall, as a first attempt, this is significantly above average. I have three main criticisms. * the use of second person, which I feel is much best reserved for role-playing sessions * the lack of foreplay, which I will admit is a personal preference * the repetition, which is probably the most difficult issue to address When writing an inherently repetitive act, using your creativity is a must. Words like “again” and phrases like “once more” should be used sparingly; they make it seem like you’re not sure what else to write. That all said, what you have is strong, and I got a good idea of what you wanted to get across.

3. Thank you very much. To address your points: –>> >the use of second person, which I feel is much best reserved for role-playing sessions I like second person a lot, and I don’t really want to change it, but I do want to improve it of course. >And here we run face-first into the biggest issue with second person. If the reader doesn’t find these attributes attractive, you’re losing them by the second paragraph. I understand what you’re saying. This was the reason why in the first part of the paragraph I avoided writing things like "Beautiful and deep brown eyes", but then I guess I either just forgot to stick to the plan or I just let myself get caught in what I was writing and didn’t really make an effort to moderate it. I have a question tho, do you think it is possible to write a compelling story without the main character showing subjectivity (things like "You loved every inch of it" or "Her eyes were perfect"), without deterring people from enjoying the story and putting themselves in the head of the character? –>> >the lack of foreplay, which I will admit is a personal preference I like it too, I just didn’t include anything because I already had my hands full. Foreplay seems fun to write tho. –>> >the repetition, which is probably the most difficult issue to address I was very conscious of this as I was writing. I tried my best to at least not repeat words, using synonyms and rephrasing where I could. That being said, I understand some actions ("She once again wraps her arms around you"), but what can I do here? Should I just avoid repetitive situations or would good rephrasing fix the issue? >When writing an inherently repetitive act, using your creativity is a must. Basically I’m asking where that creativity should be applied? –>> To answer your question: >Did you mean “in” or “on”? Assuming "in" means "on the inside" and "on" means "on the outside" I meant "on". Why do you think it should be "in"? –>> This was overall a much more positive response than I had anticipated, so I’m glad I did some things right. I had fun doing this, and I want to try it again, so I’m going to get some resources in order to improve. I know my grammar isn’t great, so I got an English grammar book so I can actually learn how 2 english. After this I’m going to seek books about writing and other subjects that sound helpful to work on my repetitions, descriptions, phrasing, and all the other aspects of storytelling in general.

4. You’re welcome. >I have a question tho, do you think it is possible to write a compelling story without the main character showing subjectivity (things like "You loved every inch of it" or "Her eyes were perfect"), without deterring people from enjoying the story and putting themselves in the head of the character? I think you may have misunderstood what I was trying to say. It’s the subjective things that work best in second person. "She is beautiful" and "Her hair is gorgeous" can be considered superior in this point of view. Because the entire point of second person is to make the reader believe that what’s happening in the story is happening to them, the state of suspended disbelief is significantly more fragile than in the other types. Giving subjective analyses allows the reader to fill in whatever subjective thing they find most attractive. Once you start throwing objective stuff in, if it’s not what fits the reader’s idea of attractiveness, you lose ground. Meanwhile, with first and third person, you can posit the characters finding _anything_ attractive. If you sell it well enough, your readers will buy it. >That being said, I understand some actions ("She once again wraps her arms around you"), but what can I do here? Should I just avoid repetitive situations or would good rephrasing fix the issue? I do have some advice for this. For one, there’s no need to avoid a repetitive situation if you can present it from a different angle or in a different light. (In this way, third person is helpful; it allows you to swap perspectives.) I noticed that you focused a lot on larger actions. I think you could stand to intersperse some smaller ones in there. With the example you brought up, you could rephrase it to "She dances her fingers over your shoulders and down your spine, sending tingles across your back." In addition to things like that, I personally like to have the characters change their position once or _maybe_ twice. I’m pretty sure the benefits of doing that are clear. >Assuming "in" means "on the inside" and "on" means "on the outside" I meant "on". Why do you think it should be "in"? I didn’t think it should be "in," but I was making sure he hadn’t started anally fingering her or something. It was a possibility that I thought I should ask about. >I’m going to get some resources in order to improve. This is a very good sign. Please don’t take that to be a veiled insult; I think it’s great that you want to improve from adequacy. Given some time, practice, and continued desire to improve, you could end up a pretty darn good writer. Also, something I neglected to mention in my first two comments was how I liked the implications of impregnation you put at the end.

5. I feel my question was not very well structured. Basically what I’m asking is: do you think third person is ultimately better than second person because you can use subjectivity from the main character without breaking the theater between them and the reader, or do you think that is just an aspect of second person that doesn’t make it bad, just different?

6. I’ll be upfront about my biases then I’ll support them. Second person is rarely done well even though it can be. I think your story would have been better as first person or third person. The idea behind second person is that _you are doing these things_. However, as readers, we know we are not doing whatever it is that’s written; we’re reading and – with these types of stories – possibly masturbating. That makes suspension of disbelief difficult to maintain. When you posit that the main character, the reader, finds some objective thing attractive and that thing is incongruent with the reader’s actual feelings, it breaks the immersion. When you posit the main character does something the reader wouldn’t do, it’s even worse. Ultimately, it’s the _objective_ things that lead to issues in second-person writing; _subjective_ things that you allow the reader to fill in from their own tastes and experiences can’t hurt the story. For example, when you said the girl was 1.8 meters tall, I thought about how that is a lot taller than I prefer. Had you said "She is the perfect height" or something to that effect, I could have filled in a height of about 1.6 meters. There are, however, certain cases where second person can be used extremely effectively. The rundown I’ll give is not complete, but it’s probably close to it. First, you can use _lots_ of tags to make sure that people know what they’re getting into. I read one such story, and the immersion in that one was fantastic – I’ve actually never read a better second-person story. Second, if you don’t want to use a bunch of tags, you can gear the story to a wider audience and tag that. I would assume that the best general audience for this is the group of people who prefer to be on the receiving end of bondage or domination. Finally, there is the somewhat weird genera wherein the main character’s will is manipulated. I imagine second person would be fantastic for someone submissive and into mind control. I’ve been writing for two years, and I can say that I’m still hesitant to take on a second-person story, and this is after having written over 60K words of third and another 60K of first. Third is almost always easier for beginning writers. That makes intuitive sense, as most stories are written in third person, and very nearly all shows and movies are shown in it. Second person is somewhat analogous to the concept of a glass cannon. It’s easy to break, but when it works, it’s very effective. So to answer your question, it’s not bad, just different in that it’s more fragile and specialized, which can be a good thing.

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