For this to make sense and for me to have the best feedback and advice I’m going to have to start from a while back. I 21F was rxped when I was 16, I was drunk and I blacked out and I woke up to a guy on top of me. Ever since then I really like sex so after the incident happened I slept with 6 people in the space of a couple months and then I got into a long term relationship which I was in for 4 years it ended April of this year. The relationship with my ex wasn’t great he was military so we was long distance most of the time, he made promises to marry me ect so I could live with him wherever he was posted, well my ex decided he wanted to buy girls only fans, and send our private sex videos to random girls, he even had dating sites that my friends found of his, my ex was quite manipulative so he convinced me to stay saying he would change blah blah blah so I did just that and it never got better it just got worse because I never could trust him after that but I didn’t leave because I loved him and he convinced me no one would love me like he does anyway my ex was horrible at communication and he’d ignore me for days and his excuse was “ the last thing I want to do after a long day is speak to you” so I was literally begging my own boyfriend for the bare minimum towards the end, during this I went to seek attention elsewhere on anonymous sites just to feel valued, all anyone wants is to feel wanted anyway some of the time it escalated to adding on Snapchat and a few photos being exchanged.
Towards the end of my relationship I slept with someone else when I was drunk and I never enjoyed something as much in my life, I didn’t regret it I just wanted more because up until this point I thought my sex drive went but clearly it was just with my ex. I broke up with him the next day. So I carry on having great sex with this guy everyday for about 2 weeks, my ex comes back to the Uk for a few weeks and he dropped all my things back and we ended up having sex, the next day I see him out at the same club as me he kisses me and tells me he loves me (me and my ex were very toxic with each other) so I see him in the corner of my eye he looks at me then kissed a girl right in front of my face, well this caused something in me to rage so I ran up to them and punched them both, after this his I calmed down as I didn’t want to ruin my night
The guy who I was sleeping with for a couple of weeks his friend was interested by this point I was annoyed ect so I took this guy home we had sex for about 10 minutes he finished twice and that was it.
Fast forward 2 ish weeks and I’m out drinking again ( it’s important to know that since my ex I have only been able to sleep with people while I’ve been drunk) I come home and a guy who’s been messaging me asks to come see me, we have sex and it’s done within 10 minutes, I sucked him off and he came and then he went, I was still unsatisfied so I invite another guy the same night we have sex he came around 4 times and I didn’t finish once, anyway it ended and he left I went to bed, I woke up the next morning regretting what I did. However the next day lasted at night I met my old friend and we went on a drive, we ended up having sec in his car and don’t get me wrong it was good but he came after like 2 minutes, at this point I just feel like no one can satisfy me and I’m always wanting more. Anyway all 5 of these one night stands happened within the space of around 2 months and my friend seems to think that I sleep with people as a form of self harm, which I don’t disagree with because I feel great for a short while and then I always regret it, but it doesn’t stop me from doing it again. Anyway June 12th I meet this man, he’s 3 years older than me and we get on so well, we had sex with each other after 2 weeks and it was amazing I felt so satisfied and it makes it better because I like him, I got a message the next day where he told me I was actually the first person he has had sex with and now I’m just kinda freaked out because I’m so scared of commitment but I want him, but I feel like I can’t have him I just feel like with everything combined with being SA, having a toxic ex and then having sex as punishment that I feel like this man deserves more, Plus the sex is great too we have such good chemistry but it’s more than sex if that makes sense like we have such a deeper connection, I just feel like at this point I’m broken goods and I don’t deserve anything more. So yeah the point of the story since April I’ve slept with 6 men, im 21 with the body count of 15 baring in mind I was in a relationship from 2018-2022.