I've had a lot of vanilla sex in my life, and I've loved it, it's been important and uplifting, but when I try to remember just exactly what it was like, with this one or with that one, I find it elusive. What did her bits look like close up, smell like, taste like? What did we talk about in bed, before, during, after? It tends to all blend into a generalized memory of, "this is sex".
But.
The peak moments.
The occasional debasement or humiliation, the shocking and surprising, disorienting act by someone you thought you knew.
The tormented longing of knowing that one you thought was yours is being enjoyed by another man, that she chose him, actively prefers him, over you, in this moment. The thrill when she comes back to your bed for a few short weeks, only to leave again. You roll over onto her pillow, still where she left it, to smell her hair, her sweat and lay hard on your unfulfilled longing.