Manicured fingers strained against too tight spandex jogging shorts, worming their way impatiently into smooth, yielding flesh . . .
"Touch James without my permission and I will cut those titular titties right off."
The surprise forced out of me, in order, the sound of a dying chipmunk, more pee than I'm willing to admit and finally, an eighth of an ounce of the dankest indica sativa hybrid I have ever had the honor of hiding in my snatch.
"You bitch! I thought you were Spoole perving out on me again!".
I petulantly over enunciated as I hastily pulled my shorts back up and dropped to my knees toward the toilette.
"Are you sure you want to come out of the gate ripping off Broad City?"
Elyse was wearing exactly the tee shirt that, according to James, he had been looking for
"Not ten minutes ago!".
lol
I had recommended against the pajama bottoms but what do I know about color theory, I went to The Corcoran school of art, Elyse.
It's a school where they teach you art, Elyse.
I know you are reading this Elyse, I'm coming for the pajamas.
Anywho, where was I. Ah yes, Trainspotting! I mean . . .
Up to my elbow in the bowl fishing for bud I grinned up at Elyse triumphantly.
"Ahah!"
"What, now that you have made a reference to the source directly we can claim 'tribute' or 'satire'?"
Elyse incised with her deliciously sharp and dry tongue. A tongue I was suddenly imagining teasing her husband's . . .
"No, silly, I got Spoole's medicine!".
Beginning the motions of standing I paused on my knees. I looked up and was again startled, now by how close Elyse was standing, close enough for me to feel a gentle glow of heat from her . . .
" I don't care about Spoole's butt cancer, I want to know if you got my stuff."
An exaggerated, languid movement and the object in her hand filled my entire view. It's shiny, metallic length ended in a dangerous flash of red. Ignoring the urge to lick its phalic girth I explained.
"You know we can't play with them till after the show."
"Boo"
She replied and dabbed a single exasperating dab of ridiculous fire engine red on the tip of my nose.
"Who's going to know?"
She asked impishly as she returned the lipstick to the shelf and turned and left the room. She had a point, the three Xbox one elite controllers were mine after all.
More tomorrow
Lots of love!
Source: reddit.com/r/Erotica/comments/3zy4ix/that_time_spoole_couldnt_handle_the_dankness_of
Man, the pretentious writing combined with all of the nothing that happened really buried any chance you had at success here.
Thank you for the feedback, I appreciate your honesty. Lots of love!
I….. Wasn’t expecting that. You’re welcome, sorry for being so frank.
I just can’t even. I never thought I’d see Funhaus references in here. I feel like this is Joel’s rejected draft from the Master Chief thing.
Oh my gosh I’m so glad the references landed (-: Lots of love!
I’ve had lots of practice being Frank (-: take it easy love.
It’s like you used a thesaurus for every other word. The title was so interesting, but I don’t even know what in the actual fuck is going on. I don’t mind the writing style or the vocabulary. I’d just like to know what I’ve read.
Thank you for the specific feedback, that really means a lot to me. I have trouble thinking of words I want and end up playing a guessing game with similar words. lol you guessed exactly right. I’ll try not to rush through tomorrow and edit thoroughly. Lots of love!
You have a great attitude when taking feedback. I look forward to reading more of your work. You have a story that only you can tell. You were very specific as to how your characters are. They way you wrote them gave them a voice, albeit your characters require more fleshing out. It would benefit me as a reader if you had something to say in your writing pieces. It doesn’t have to be plot based. It could be a character sketch. It could be a specific scene for something bigger. If you could channel your creativity in a framework readers can follow, then your writing style, the idea you want to get across, and your characters would be more understandable and appreciated.
That was amazing, thank you so much. I absolutely need more discipline. There is a lot more to this piece, I was too excited to get some of it out and hook the reader without being boring. Today, before I completely fuck this up I’m going to write a legit outline. More later! Lots of love!