Skip to TL;DR if you are just here for the story itself.
Anyone else here struggle with guilt over sex/masturbation? I was raised super religious (Catholic) and struggled with guilt for years. Going to Catholic school through high school didn’t help with the guilt complex. I eventually got better, but it took a while. Growing up, it kept getting drilled in that my job was to “save myself” and not have sex until marriage. Sex was supposed to be saved for my future husband and also it was SuPeR iMpOrTaNt that I knew that my body was made for making babies. I bought into the religious story, didn’t really realize I was missing anything. Then I discovered masturbation – I thought it was a fine way to enjoy myself while still saving myself for marriage. Until I accidentally left a porn story up on the family computer and my mother found it. I got in so much trouble, and was told in no uncertain terms how wrong it was to touch myself – that God was watching, and didn’t I want to save myself for my future husband. I cried myself to sleep. I couldn’t see anything wrong with something that hurt no one and brought pleasure to myself. But it was apparently a major sin.
Anyway, I am done with my personal guilt, now. I do what I want with who I want, including myself. I don’t think there is a God, and even if there is, I don’t think they care about something as petty as people having pleasure. Oh, and what got me thinking about guilt? I was looking through some old papers and stuff and found a diary from back when I was 18/19ish. It had some entries about my struggle with guilt. I don’t know if anyone else will relate or find this interesting, but it felt right to write about my experience as a story.
TL;DR Actual story…
Day 0: I slipped. I touched myself again. It felt good now, but what about God. What about saving myself? I can do better. I won’t do it again. I won’t even read the sexy stories that tempt me.
Day 1: Ha, one day down and that wasn’t even difficult.
Day 3: I briefly had some impure thoughts, but did not give into any temptation.
Day 4: Ugh. Cramps. I guess my period will start soon.
Day 9: During my period it was easier to avoid sin. Now I am thinking more about it, and it isn’t as easy.
Day 11: Thoughts just kinda happen, right? I can’t consciously control what I think. Damn, but I kept imagining what sex might be like as I fell asleep
Day 12: Had a sexy dream last night… I don’t remember much, but my panties were a bit damp this morning. Is that a sin? I feel so impure, but I can’t control my dreams. I guess I should avoid even thinking about sexy stuff.
Day 14: I couldn’t help thinking of someone touching me as I fell asleep – it felt so sexy. It can’t be a sin if no one is actually touching me, right? The important thing is saving myself.
Day 15: I found a fun sexy story to read today. I know I told myself I wouldn’t, but a little reading couldn’t hurt, right. I just enjoyed reading – I got a tingly feeling in my pussy that felt so good. I… I wanted more… I wanted something to fill me. But I was pure and didn’t touch myself. I just squeezed my legs together as I read the story.
Day 16: My mind kept wandering back to the story I read. Each time I thought of it, I would get just a little tingle in my pussy, but I carefully tried to change my thought. I feel so dirty having these sexy thoughts. Will God really punish me for having thoughts I can barely control?
Day 17: I tried reading a short story when I got home after classes. I was nice enough to read, but does not seem to be stopping my sexy thoughts. I had trouble focusing as I was working on my homework. Absentmindedly, I slipped my hand into jeans/panties and started moving my fingers. A feeling builds until I suddenly realize what I am doing and quickly remove my hand. Damn, I want more, though.
Day 18: I finished my homework a little early and hand some extra time, so… I took to the internet and found some good stories. I feel a powerful tingling sensation build up starting in my pussy. While my right hand continues to scroll the story, my left slips down between my legs. I want to remain pure, so I won’t go all the way. As I feel myself get close to orgasm I suddenly stop. It takes a while for me to calm down and be able to fall asleep.
Day 19: I felt terrible guilt this morning. Why can’t I just remain pure and save myself for my husband? (And why does it feel so good if it is wrong to touch myself?) I should stop…
That night, however I have different thoughts. What about just one more sexy story… The first story I find makes me tingle a little, but I decide it is too short. The next story ends up covering a weird fetish that I do *not* find sexy. I keep looking, browsing stories. Just one story turns into reading over a dozen. I am definitely getting aroused, I can feel the dull ache in my pussy, the faint yearning almost like I need to pee. In the middle of a good story, I reach down with my left hand, slip it into my panties. My fingers fumble for a bit; I am already pretty wet so my fingers quickly slide on and between my pussy lips. I crook my middle finger slightly, then gasp as pleasure blooms when I tap my clit. I continue reading the story, stroking gently with my middle finger, ready to stop before I go all the way and cum. My arousal builds, a warm, fuzzy sensation starts deep in my pussy and slowly spreads to my thighs and stomach. My heart is pounding and I am taking quick, short breaths. I think I am close to orgasm so I slow down, stop touching myself.
I catch my breath and think that I can control my wicked, impure actions. I’ll just finish the story and go to bed. As I continue reading, I still feel a need from pussy. There isn’t much left of the story, maybe I can touch just a little more. My hand quickly slips into my panties and I resume rubbing my clit. The fuzzy warmth that didn’t quite go away refreshes quickly, stronger than ever. Very soon, I am close to orgasm again – too close. Shit! I try to abort and pull my hand away, but only manage to make a final, powerful stroke across my clit. Pleasure suffuses my body even as I try to hold it back. I cannot stop the sensation now – I cannot control the release that washes over me or the dull throbbing from my vagina. I can only lean back and enjoy.
After a few minutes to calm down, I shake my head sadly. How could I be so impure?
Years later, I look back at the idea of “purity” and cringe. What felt so bad at the time was just normal behavior. Now I know how to embrace myself (pun intended) and accept my sexuality as normal and healthy.
Source: reddit.com/r/Erotica/comments/qxngzs/guilt_over_touching_myself
That stroke too far, the restraint, the head back with waves of unstoppable pleasure…it was intense to read. So glad you embrace your sexuality now. The explosion after restraint must have been so intense.
Well written. Not easy to describe orgasm in words. many have tried and made a far worse fist of it.
I too (as a boy) had huge conflict over masturbation because of religious teaching. I pleaded with God to help me stop it and blamed Him when I couldn’t. I never did stop but it was a good many years ’till I understood the pain had been down to ignorance and stupid misinformation. We are told that we humans are made in the image of God. That means our penis of clit are God like too and the pleasure experienced when we touch them is God given along with the rest of our bodily reactions. I like to think now that He smiles at individuals, couples and groups during their loving episodes when these people are sharing the wonderful, mutual pleasure that is given and accepted.