It´s just one of those nights, those nights that cannot be slept away, those nights that leave you with no place to go, those nights that you spend with the company of your intrusive thoughts , with memories that come and go with a painful sting.
There I was, lying on my bed looking at the ceiling as if waiting to get tired, with my eyes half closed at the continuos beam of light that shines through the half closed window from a street light outside. Smoking what seems to be weed but could perfectly be lawn grass that some asshole sold me under a bridge for a stupid price this evening, I sincerely would not be able to notice the difference,even less at the state that I´m in now, as I usually have more than enough satisfaction with the old reliable “forget juices” and rarely resort to weed to weaken myself further. But today asked for stronger effects ,as those thoughts would never drift away.
Trying to desperately not to fall in the temptation of remembering, I reach out for my music player and my headphones, just like a heroin addict reaches for the syringe and the needle. And dose myself with some of that useless distraction. Today I feel like listening to The Smiths, normally I think their songs are boring and the lyrics very teenage-angsty-like, but somehow their music and that vibe they evoke feels like a missing piece complementing the depressing mood of the night.
Carelessly scrolling through the songs, album after album, seeming like no time has passed between them, but, unavoidably,I start listening to the song, It had to be this song and only this song. As I listen quietly, a lone tear starts to shed acroos my face.
“Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head…”
I cannot hold the feelings any longer and accept my defeat, as I slowly start to recall that night, that night when I truly felt what it was like to love… and to be loved.
“And as I climb into an empty bed”
It was a warm and starry summer night, I had been staying at my aunt´s house for holiday and leisurely began a habit to go to the beach late at night, when I could swim alone and privately without the distracting hustle that the tourists made when the Sun arrived, It was nevertheless a distant and practically virgin coast far from the town where I stayed. That privacy soon ended as that night I was not the only one in that remote and petit bay.
“Oh well. Enough said.”
As I started to go downhill to the sea I finally recognised her, she was one of the towngirls that I sometimes saw at the main square, where they gossiped with the others about surely unimportant, girly things. But I knew she wasn´t like them, she often felt tired and bored of them and her attention began to drift elsewhere. One time she catched me taking a glance at her from my window, she stared at me with an inquisitive look as we made eye contact. And as soon as it satrted, she got called by her friends and left me back to where I was, only with the sudden realization that she made me fall in love with her just by looking at her. And since that time I was hooked.
“I know it’s over – still I cling”
After that strange encounter, I rushed to ask my aunt, who was a local and knew everybody that lived at this town, about her. After giving me a reassured glance she then told me that her name was Yvonne, and that she was the daughter of a very rich and prosperous business-man that owned many agricultural lands by the area and that had the fame of being an overprotective father.
He would only let her daughter have female friends as he already had plans of marrying her with another businessman´s son. But she was very rebelious and desired to have the company of a boy by her side, but no man would ever risk disrespecting her father , who could perfectly punish any lover his daughter had as he was the most powerful man in town, no matter how beautiful or lovely she was. And then It came to me, that I was the only one that could fulfill that desire for her to be with a boy she wanted, as I do not fear her father´s iron hand becuse in a matter of days I will be gone.
“I don’t know where else I can go, Over…”
Back to that night, I arrived at the sand and left my bike by an old dock of decaying wood and stopped to see where had she gone. It didn´t take long for me to find her among the cruising waves and the moonlight. She was static, floating in the water without moving a muscle, gesturing that same sensual stare that she made back when we first saw each other. I immediatly realised that she was completely naked, just like i always am when i swim in those waters, but I only did that because I thought that I was alone. She must had noticed yesterday that I went out late on my own and decided to follow me to the coast, and today she decided to go there and wait for me, now she´s there, looking at me, waiting for me, desiring me.
“Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head”
I began to undress myself, in front of her just by the water. She watched me with no pause, I am sure that she had never even seen a naked man´s body, I was also excited because I hadn´t had the opportunity to see a naked woman as well, the closest thing to sex that I´ve done is making out with a girl and, as I was trying to undress her, stop immediatly when she said “Oh, stop…” like an idiot, I really was confused if she was just playing around or if she legitimately did not want me, I am just awful at reading those hints…
“See, the sea wants to take me”
After another stupid, unasked for anecdote later. I began to immerse myself in the sea, slowly entering until my feet did not reach the floor. She waited, looking at me as if admiring me, but she did not swim towards me, she wanted me to reach her, she wanted me to demonstrate my desire for her. And I swam, increasingly seeing her closer and more aroused as I was arriving.
“The knife wants to slit me”
Finally, I felt her hand holding mine. I stopped and looked her in the eyes, she was beautiful, her body was divine and her expresion was that of pure lust. I embraced her, and felt her body against mine, our mouths met in an euforic union, our hands wondered and caressed every inch of each other´s body. We were slowly swiming towards shore as we explored our bodies and emotions. Then we reached the sand layed in it together. I was passionately kissing her and holding her towards me, she felt so soft in my hands that I was afraid she could melt into the sea.
-Yvonne?
-Paul?
“Do you think you can help me?”
We said as we stopped kissing and looked at each other in the eye, her hand was slowly sliding down from my shoulders to my sex, that at that point was incredibly erect, and she began pleasuring it. I gripped her breasts and held her bottox tightly as she silently let out a few moans, like a seemless whisper. We were progresively getting ready for the real connection, that did not take long to come.
“Sad veiled bride, please be happy”
She closed the distance between our sexes and I positioned myself on top of her, she was desperately gripping my penis and directing it to her vagina and I could not do nothing but let her take control. I felt her lips start to widen and then I sensually dropped my weight on her as I was penetrating her juvenile womb. She couldn´t repress her instincts and began to moan fiercely.
“Handsome groom, give her room”
Her inner walls felt like they were shaped for me as my pleasure rose to the skies. We started accelerating the pace, our mouths meeting and our toungues dancing inside, I could feel her breath started to rise and I knew what that meant. I sped up and felt my orgasm building in me, her moans where now so passionate that I became solely focused on her pleasure, all my concentration laid upon her and as I finished with the last thrusts. We both exploded and moaned in ecstasy, completely lost in the bodies of one another, and then we laid side by side, and looked into each other´s eyes as we drifted into sleep. And I could only dream of her, I was completely obsesed with keeping her with me forever and live happily ever after and all those beautiful lies. But when I woke up she wasn´t by my side, she left without even saying goodbye, the only word I´ve ever heard from her was my name. And it felt like the sweetest and most harmonious voice I´ve ever heard, but now she was gone, and as time started passing and my holidays ending I realised she was gone forever. So I decided to never come back to that town again.
“Loud, loutish lover, treat her kindly”
And now here I am, lonely, desperate and nostalgic, only yearning for her return, but It will never happen, I am a man of one love and that love is unachievable. It was only that night that I experienced love, and ever since that encounter everything else has felt bland and meaningless. I need her.
“Though she needs you more than she loves you”
What´s the point of life anymore? Where to go from here? How can I star again? Why can´t I just forget It? I want to die.
And I know it’s over .