It was late at night, jake and jasmine had stumbled out of the bar drunkenly, wanting to extend the night. Neon lights, strippers and the alcohol coarsing through their veins just made the temptation ever so more intense.
They fumble into jasmine’s small studio apartment, lights dimmed with candles lit up, heightening the sexual tension. Jake could feel his penis tensing up, blood rushing to the tip of his penis as jasmine pulls her shirt off, revealing 2 magnificent D sized succulent breasts. Her breasts were dripping with sweat from the mere attraction between the two, her nipples hardening as she starts feeling her undergarments getting wet, getting hornier by the minute.
They jump onto her queen sized bed, at this point no longer able to control themselves. Jake unearths his 8 inch penis, and pulls jasmine’s panties off, revealing a beautiful pink and tight vagina. It had become clear that she too had never done this before. They were both virgins.
Jasmine awkwardly attempts her first blowjob, sloppily gurgling on jake’s penis. Despite her lack of technique, the sheer feeling of a girl on his hardened penis made him feel light. She puts her lips on the tip of his cock, both hands placed on the base of it as she rubs it in a twisting fashion, paying extra attention to the foreskin as she licks it with passion.
They decide to take this further, jake positioning his penis in line with jasmine’s pussy. He chances it and inserts it, nearly exploding with the sensation it gives way to. After 19 years of his live this was the moment he came to live for. She too experienced a mix of pain and pleasure that she had never before felt. He thrusts his hips towards her as she positions both her hands onto his waist, guiding his every movement as he pumps in and out. The heat emitting from both their bodies, made more tense by the sexual tension in the air. He gives one final thrust as he collapses on to her, smelling the back of her neck. Cum oozing out of her vagina as he slowly pulls his now sensitive penis out.
Source: reddit.com/r/Erotica/comments/hu30w0/my_first_attempt_wiring_sth_all_feedback_is
The bones are there but you sort of skipped over all context you know? It’s like an unfinished story..go back and fill in the blanks further.
What are they feeling in the moments leading up, the reading and banter that has caused them to get to this state of feverish arousal.
And you don’t just go straight for it- write in what is happening between the characters as it unfolds. There’s no kissing, not really much of any foreplay leading up.
Also I have to say I found the sexual language choice to be very awkward to read, almost clinical. That’s totally a personal choice but just as a reader it felt strange. (Penis/Vagina) you also wrote penis twice in the same line. Sorrryyyy I always notice this ?
I think you’ve got a great start! Just put some more of yourself into the story, describe the sexuality how you would actually imagine it happening moment by moment. ?
Agree with the other comment. Also, I would personally not go for the present tense. Try working in some dialogue. But the most important thing is what was already said…the anticipation..the moments leading up to the main event…is where the excitement is.