[pt. 1 “Dinner”](https://www.reddit.com/r/Erotica/comments/12of1g5/sara_alice_more_than_friends_pt_1_dinner_27ff/) | [pt. 4 “Elixir”](https://www.reddit.com/r/Erotica/comments/12r26ga/sara_alice_more_than_friends_pt_4_elixir_27ff/)
I stare at the ceiling and consider what an idiot I am.
Tears are running down my face as I think about how I should have made love to her that night, how I should have gone to see her in Italy, how I shouldn’t be pouting in my bedroom right now. I’ve spent years telling myself that I’m not really in love with her, that she’s just a dear friend, that I just haven’t found the right guy. But it’s all bullshit.
I had found the right guy.
Elijah and I dated the entire year Alice was in Italy, up until he graduated. We were great together. He was thoughtful and kind and handsome. My mom told me I should marry him. He probably thought the same thing, but after graduation he left to get his master’s in Boston. I really did love him, and he and I are still friends. And maybe if I’d never met Alice, I would be practicing law in Ohio, where he lives now, bringing home the bacon for my husband, the violist. The problem, of course, is that the only reason I met Elijah was Alice.
Our pairing that night before she left for Italy was more fateful than I could have known. I didn’t think I could like James any less until he and Alice moved in together during the pandemic. They were extremely isolated, and even though we were both in the city, I never got to see her.
But that’s over now.
There’s a knock at my door, but I don’t respond. I watch under the door as her bare feet walk away and then come back. She slides a note through the crack.
I roll onto my stomach and sob. I resent how deeply she’s embedded in my heart.
While I was dating Elijah, I secretly started binging lesbian porn. I didn’t think of it in those terms, though. I thought of myself as addicted to porn in general, but that I just preferred the stuff made by and for women because the straight stuff was so god awful. That was true in a way, but I had no interest in watching a man fuck a woman. That didn’t excite me. I had that, and it was fine. What I wanted to watch was two women giving themselves to each other. As I projected my desires onto the screen, I could never decide who I wanted to be: the one eating pussy or the one with her lover’s face buried between her thighs. In retrospect, it was all about Alice. Everything was always about her.
I got up and grabbed the note.
>Sara, I’m so sorry. I wasn’t thinking, and I definitely didn’t mean to imply anything about that time we kissed. I’m leaving your phone outside the door. Take your time.
>Alice
I gasp and still can’t get any air in my lungs. It’s the first time either of us has ever acknowledged that night. My chest is heaving, and my mouth is salty with my tears. She remembers it, too! Has she thought of it every day for years like I have? Has she replayed it over and over, wondering what would have happened if we continued?
I unlock the door and snatch my phone before closing the door again. I leave it unlocked and go back to my bed.
I need to feel something other than what I’m feeling, so I reach for my vibrator. Maybe Alice is right. Maybe I just get horny when I’m drunk and I’m just a stupid ball of stupid hormones. I jerk down my leggings and pulverize myself with the vibrator at its strongest setting. My teeth are clenched as my eyes well up again. The memory of holding her breast in my hand comes back, and the taste of her lips. I have to cover my mouth to keep Alice from hearing, but a sharp cry escapes me as I climax. I lie on the bed panting.
I don’t really feel any better at all, but maybe just a little more calm.
I grab my phone and send her a text.
>Thanks for everything tonight. I’m sorry I stormed off. Just going through a lot at work, and I guess I took it home.
I take an Ambien and curl up with my blanket.
My phone vibrates.
>I get it. You work so hard, and I’m so proud of you.
I know she’s not stupid enough to believe my agitation was work related, but I’m grateful she has the decency to pretend that it is.
>Thanks. Good night
>Good night
The Ambien hits my bloodstream, and mercifully I fall asleep.
Source: reddit.com/r/Erotica/comments/12rrnur/sara_alice_more_than_friends_pt_5_regrets_27ff