A LIFETIME AGO
Ever since I was a little girl, I had this anger, simmering inside me. I was angry because everyone around me seemed to think that they can tell me what to do, how to behave, and when to keep quiet. I was a girl, and therefore I was expected to be meek and docile.
A girl is not supposed to be talking back like this!
Help mommy wash the dishes, never mind that your brother is playing on your computer. That’s what a girl does!
Aren’t you afraid of doing this? A girl should be more careful!
And so on, and so on. You get the idea. With each comment I heard, the more I wanted to prove that I’m going to be just the opposite. It didn’t matter if it was good for me or if I enjoyed it. I just wanted to show everyone!
BEFORE A DOMINANT WOMAN, THERE’S A SOMEWHAT DOMINANT GIRL
It must come as no surprise that I grew into an angsty and rebellious teenager. And as I entered this troublesome period, the dating started. How difficult that was! I struggled the most with understanding my girlfriends. Why were they following rules that so obviously made them miserable and hold them back? For instance, why would she worry if the boy will deem her too easy, or too prudish? Just have it when you want it, what’s all the fuss? Why wait until the boy you like magically understands that you fancy him, instead of making the first move? It is not to say that I enjoyed going out and getting to know your average 17-year-old boy. I was lucky to be spared a big first love and first dramatic heartache. Instead, I had to endure a series of minor disappointments.
A STEEP PATH FORWARD
I struggled to find someone that would truly respect and see me as a person, I didn’t like the idea that it was men who were supposed to win a woman, I didn’t like waiting for them to initiate, for them to gift me things, and sure I didn’t enjoy their need to feel like they were protecting me. Now, I of course know, that many, if not most of them probably felt similarly suffocated by the narrow rules of heterosexual courtship, especially in the setting of a high school. Back then, however, it led me to think that perhaps, I’m simply not straight? I did date a few girls, and there’s a small part of me, who indeed is not fully straight. Yet, a woman’s body was never able to make me feel the same way that a man’s body would. That left me confused and disheartened about dating.
Everything changed when I was 20 and met the first man that I felt was a good fit for me. This, however, is a story for the next post.
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Source: reddit.com/r/Erotica/comments/w8y73h/mistress_journal