The evening is winding down and the fireworks are just about to start. Pat is lounging just slightly off the bed staring out the window. I can see that there’s an excitement about him as he prepares for the show. I have seen them a million times, but through his eyes, it just sparks something in me.
It’s so strange, Kermit thinks to himself, that there’s a childish wonderment inside this hard muscular hunk of a man. There’s a kindness about him that could even make a man like Mr. Rogers jealous.
Kermit utters a whisper to himself under his breath, “Oh, Kermit, let this night never end.”
Bang! The first fireworks start going off. Pat starts relaxing and letting loose, a slight smile on his lips. More fireworks go off – Bang-Bang. Schwee – each firework is like one more of Kermit’s balloons of self control popping away or flying off in the distance.
Kermit touches Mahomes on the back slightly, and then starts giving a floppy shoulder massage. As well as any puppet muppet could do.
“But the finale, we will miss it”, Mahomes says with a mischievous twinkle in his eyes.
“The finale is right here, plus there’s always tomorrow”
“There is only today”
Pat brushes Kermit’s puppet sticks aside with strength and looks Kermit deep into his eyes.
Kermit pleads with Mahomes, “Oh Pat, just for tonight, call me Jim. I can’t completely let loose unless you say it”
“O-okay, Jim..”
The two lovers barely noticed that the fireworks had long finished, and all the park residents started heading for the gates. Kermit’s soaking body lay upon Patrick’s sweaty chest, and he falls into a dream filled slumber.
The next morning Kermit awakes and the bed is cool and all that hints that Mahomes was there is the closet door ajar and a Chief’s hat left hastily in the armchair…
==========================
Had it been two years? It seemed like a normal day by muppet standards. I was giving a talk about our new Muppets Now show on Disney plus. Standard stuff, I was giving the interview, and he must have gotten tickets, I don’t know if he even cared to be there. He was goofing off with Kelce and Hill.
It wasn’t supposed to be a thing at all. But the whole interview I just couldn’t shake it. Laughing with his buds, trying to keep his voice low enough to not disturb others around him. But distracting it was – his voice! – it was frog song to my ears. I don’t even know if I finished the interview well – I must have just told the viewers to come see the show because I couldn’t concentrate.
I remember thinking to myself, the drivel of the interviewer was so annoying…All I want is to sit by a campfire and have Mahomes tell monologues of slotting it in. He could slot it in me.
==========================
Elmo is gleefully prancing around the room, “Elmo knows what elmo knows! Hee ha ha, do you have what it takes?”
“One, two, three scores! ah ah ah, to ONE TD and TWO Field Goals Ah ah ah!” says the Count
“Elmo always wins, why do you all play this stupid game with him?”, Grouch grouches.
Elmo looks at Kermit expectantly, “Kermit, what do youuu wager?”
“Oh I dunno, maybe 4 touchdowns to the Chiefs to… nothing!”
“Haa hee hee, Kermit ALWAYS overbets the chiefs. Elmo thinks you have too much faith in Mahomes”
Too much faith, my ass you fucking muppet. Fuck you Elmo! – Kermit thinks to himself.
“Well I guess we’ll just have to see” Kermit smiles at the group.
Ernie comes happily waltzing in and places a dish in front of the partygoers. “Mr. Ducky presents nachos! Hue hu, eat up! Oh and also for a treat, we got the Bengals Skyline Chili!!”
The group settles in as the game starts. Kermit leans forward silently to watch his man do his magic.
Kermit didn’t know when it started. His angry thoughts. It was definitely longer than he’d like to admit. He was supposed to be shy and kindhearted. Kermit is polite at all times, no matter how rude someone is treating him. As much as Miss Piggy beats up and abuses Kermit, he continues to turn the other cheek. As much as Ms Piggy always puts me down, I am a cheery guy.
“Ohhh! First drive, better luck next time Kermit!”
“You can’t win them all” Kermit cheerily retorts as he takes a bite of the Skyline Chili.
What the fuck is this shit? He thinks to himself…
The pain of the Ohio native dish sinks him deeper into both his psyche and at the same time clarity. I don’t hate Elmo… he reflects on himself. I hate myself…
==========================
“Ta ta, Kermie! Aren’t you such a sweet dearie”
Ms Piggy swishes her locks and fumbles around the basket on the table, looking for various items.
“You have fun entertaining the guests, I am Ms. Piggy and I am going to go SHOPPING! Now where is that credit card of your Kermie?”
“You know, you bought quite a few bags last week, and this goes a bit over our agreed budget”
“Oh don’t be such a grouch, Kermie, unless of course you got his manly stench! Just work some more and make me a happy pig!”
“Haha, such a jokester Ms Piggy” Kermit spots the card just on the corner of the table behind the corner. “Let me go look upstairs!”, Kermit brushes past Ms. Piggy and swipes the card.
“Oh I’m not joking, that Grouch, so hot! And his eyes aren’t like… yknow… soulless black slits..” Ms. Piggy side eyes Kermit’s hand. “Hey gimme that card!”
“No! Why don’t you try working for some of it!” Kermit shouts.
Ms. Piggy immediately freezes and her muppet mouth opens in shock.
“Don’t you talk to me like that, you know you were just a geeky frog before you met me! I made you! You just need to shut up and enjoy a beautiful girlfriend”
Ms. Piggy lunges and grabs the card from Kermit’s frail hands, “Ha!” She exclaims. “Work on that attitude or I’ll send you back to the frog hole where I found you” Ms. Piggy slams the door in a huff.
….
……………
….
……
“GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH”
Kermit flings the door open, tears fly from his eyes. He’s no longer thinking anymore, he is anguish incarnate. He is screaming and flailing all down Disneyland. Onlookers look on in confusion, maybe thinking this is the beginning of some Muppet special. Kermit keeps going though. Past the onlookers. Past the ridergoers, past Star Wars and Harry Potter. Finally, he throws himself to the ground.
Before he hits the ground: “Kermit!”
Someone catches him.
Kermit is immediately washed over with security and warmth. Kermit looks up, and it is Patrick Mahomes. Kermit’s cares about anything in the world go out the window. Nothing makes sense, but he doesn’t know how to process the fact that a frog songed burly man is clutching him in his arms. He just lets it happen.
Mahomes looks at Kermit, somehow with eyes that exude compassion and knowing.
“Kermit… Life’s like a movie. Write your own ending.”
==========================
Mahomes takes Kermit and checks into the animation resort. He gently drapes Kermit’s cloth body over the most luxurious pillow.
“Are we really doing this?” Kermit looks at Mahomes
“Only if you want it” Patrick coos softly.
“I want it… but…”
“What is it?”
“It’s not easy being green. This is my first time”
“What about Miss Piggy?”
“We’ve never done it”, Kermit admits. “I only brought it up once but she turned me down and I’ve never tried again”
Patrick strokes Kermit’s body, and starts to sensually fondle him. The two start breathing heavily and the air grows thick with musk. At times Mahomes looks as if he is to squeeze it into too tight a spot. However Mahomes is not the star quarterback he is for nothing. He sends it so that Kermit can receive it like a buttered turkey sliding across a glass table at Thanksgiving dinner. He pump fakes and catches the defender off guard. Kermit doesn’t even see the balls go past him. He keeps the momentum going, moving down the green field. Patrick’s rock hard cock keeps pushing in.. Inches sometimes and later he goes deep.
“It hurts, but it’s so good! I’m seeing the other side!” Kermit moans. His beady eyes widen, and his body is convulsing in pleasure. His flailing body knocks off every gizmo on the nightstand.
“You have to take in the hurt, you have to accept it. This hurts, it’s supposed to hurt” Mahomes grunts in frog speak as he towers over Kermit.
“Ooh!” Kermit exclaims, “It feels so right, but, I – wh – this is forbidden” Kermit’s feeble resistance blows away with every new thrust of Mahomes’ amazing body.
Kermit notices tears dripping down his eyes. Thoughts of his drab life fleetingly meander into and out of his conscience. Kermit’s heart pangs with longing as his thoughts drift to the ending of tonight… and then it’ll be like it never happened.
Patrick transitions to a more gentle approach, and stares into Kermit’s eyes.
Kermit lovingly beckons to Patrick, “Movin’ right along, footloose and fancy-free. Getting there is half the fun; come share it with me.”
Patrick Mahomes orgasms extensively into Kermit.
The two collapse and the cold night weighs in like a gentle settling fog.
Mahomes caresses Kermit’s face, and Kermit kisses Patricks chest. The two of them silently cuddle, not a thought to be had, only experiencing this moment.
While feeling the sweat of the last romp, Kermit prompts Mahomes. “So is it different with a muppet?”
“It’s like being a teenager again with a masturbation sock, if that sock was also a sock puppet”
Mahomes starts to doze asleep while Kermit gazes at him with admiration.
==========================
Mahomes knows what everyone wants. The rival fans always try to put him down, say he can’t keep it up. But the Kansas City fans themselves, not letting them down, it’s always there. You could be doing more drills. Faster releases. Better vision on the field. And if you don’t, then getting criticism from the people who are supposed to support you. Pressure. They are watching every move and anticipating as if they know more than you do about yourself. It’s hard being called the most promising young quarterback in the league.
In the last superbowl, we did it. Working out endless hours and having sleepless nights. The Niner’s twitter feed posting Aiyuken! memes with Mahomes’ face posted on Bison’s slumped body with Aiyuk/Ryu standing triumphantly over him.
Patrick has tasted success. Winning a super bowl already. But why is it never enough? The next year comes, and next it’s the grudge match of Brady vs Mahomes. It’s only the preseason and they are already predicting the next super bowl. The old guard vs the new. Day after day, Mahomes is pushing himself to his limits. This has been Patrick’s life for as long as he can remember, completely oblivious to the self torment.
Who does Brady think he is? Some old man doing the dadbod shuffle. I can beat them. I have to beat him. Don’t think. Deliver success.
==========================
It’s night time. The gym is normally closed, but Patrick has the facility open for himself.
The stadium employees are cleaning up.
“Oh thank god it’s Friday!”
“Totally, Karaoke tonight?”
“Yeah, let’s kick it!”
The employees’ happy chatter dies off as they get farther away.
…
– another rep –
…
– another rep –
…
A few quick taps on the glass can be heard.
…
– another rep –
Kermit’s face pops up outside the window, “Patsy!”
Mahomes is in the zone
…
– another rep –
Kermit, squeezes in through the window
“Patrick! I brought you dinner.. In the form of snacks!”
“I don’t have time for snacks, I’ve got to beat Brady”
“There’s only one way. We do it as a team, a snack team! There’s no way you can lose. Share some gardetto’s with me?”
“Oh thank you so much, Kermit.”
The two star crossed lovers share a warm embrace. This is the first time someone has valued him for something other than his football skills.
==========================
I’m chillin with mahomies from the street. The Sesame Street. Back here, the hustle and bustle is as lively as ever. However, the moments I’m not with Mahomes just seem shaded and muted.
“Hiya Kermit!” It’s big bird. “Never knew you were such a football fan! Been seeing you buy some a bunch of Chief’s gear down at ye olde shoppe. Did one of your spelling kiddos convert you?”
No one knows about Pat and frogue. Kermit’s made sure that they have never been seen together.
“Oh it was just one of the cutest tots with a Chiefs jersey on. Thought I’d give it a go and here we are! You have a good day now.”
They don’t know what it is like. Having this secret. This amazing secret. Kermit thinks back to one of their steamy nights. A shirtless top with oiled muscles. I just want to use my elongated frog tongue in ways he’s never conceived. All to see that smile. Oh yes, I would die for that smile
==========================
Kermit doesn’t actually know all that much about Patrick Mahomes. When they meet up its usually sessions of passionate sex and copious amounts of goo covered cuddling. Mahomes uses his millions of dollars to take flights to Miami and meet up with Kermit between games.
At their last meet up:
“So how are your travels to other cities?” Kermit inquires “Do you get to see the sights at all?”
“Oh we have so much fun, the team and me. We got to see the Golden Gate bridge in San Fran, the Mall of America in Minnesota, and we ate crab cakes in Baltimore!”
Kermit can tell he’s not telling the truth. Those are just the most iconic sights and ‘to do’s in those cities. Anyone looking for it could see. Kermit wishes and hopes that Patrick can someday learn to let the game go, but he knows he won’t.
Patrick is away again, this time the season is underway and he’s even more game faced each time.
Kermit overhears a conversation that Grover and Snuffleupalus are having.
“Why would people do it? Play such a rough sport. Almost every player gets injured, it’s so pointless…” Snuffleupagus muses
“If you made millions of dollars and can live without a worry I can see why they’d do it. Take Mahomes, he’s got a turf toe injury he’s playing through. What a warrior!”
Kermit nonchalantly passes by. He is careful to stay unnoticed as he keeps to his thoughts.
Turf toe! Patrick never mentioned that to me… I’m with Snuffleupagus on this one. Some things aren’t worth it. He’s suffering in pain and for what! He’s already got a super bowl trophy, more money than he will ever need. And now he’s got me. Shouldn’t that be enough? Is he not happy with that?
==========================
Patrick is coming again soon. Kermit has the TV going on as he’s getting ready. The pundits are chattering in the background.
I’m going to be absolutely gorgeous for Pat when he comes, he won’t be able to resist me.
Kermit fluffs his felt exterior. He makes sure his puppet rods are straight and erect.
From the TV:
“When asked, Andy Reid says he is considering all options. If it’ll keep the longevity of his star player, they could consider hanging up Mahomes’ season.”
The TV cuts to the interview
Andy Reid speaks with a furrowed brow, “Yeah, well he says he feels great. We’ll continue to monitor it, but really it’s up to the doctors. If they say he can go, he can go. It’s not really up to him.”
Back to the pundits
“Well it doesn’t take a ‘Sherlock Mahomes’ to know if they end his season, the Chiefs are done for this year’s run.”
“Smooth one, Dan”
“You know what’s smooth? Kermit’s body!”
“Haha. haaaa…. Well, back to the topic, Dan. Let’s just say.. If it comes to that, that would be a huge let down to all the Kansas City fans”
Kermit turns the TV off. He’s almost ready. He puts on the final touches – a spritz of Adam Driver’s alluring Burberry Scentaurs.
===========================
After nearly every away game, Kermit and Mahomes have been meeting in secret. Kermit had prepared candles, rose petals, and sensual scented massage oil. He has hot pizza rolls baking in the oven.
This time is different. Mahomes smiles at Kermit, but doesn’t say anything. He closes his eyes, and a look of pain is plastered over Patrick’s face.
“What’s wrong, my sweetheart” Kermit asks
“Do you even watch my games? We lost! Bad! Not only that, it was like we were under some spell. It was Voodoo, no touchdowns! It was embarrassing, how are we supposed to be the top team, but instead act like a grumble team. We were supposed to crush the Titans, instead we end up 3-27”
Mahomes rants more about the night. About football. The candles start dying down, and Mahomes has only touched two or three pizza rolls, as they become cold and stale on the plate. Kermit tries his best to soothe Mahomes but his efforts are rebuffed. Kermit realizes that he is nothing compared to the game.
“You’re injured”, explains Kermit, “You can’t expect to be the best when you’re in this state. There’s always next year”
“You don’t understand” Patrick sulks
“I do. Every day I put up with a witch Bruja named Ms. Piggy. I can’t ever please her. It’s the same with your fans. You want to please them but you can’t. It’s a losing battle. You think you love them, but do they love you?”
“It’s lonely up at the top.”, A few tears roll down Patrick’s face. Kermit gently wipes them off his gorgeous pristine face.
“Then maybe you stop. Maybe you take this year to heal”
Kermit sees the pain and fear flash in Patrick’s eyes.
“No, I have to do it. I will do it, even with this god damned toe!”
Even though Kermit knows it isn’t good for Patrick, he decides he will fight for him to follow his path. If only because the pain of not doing so hurts moreso.
The two sit in silence for an immeasurable moment. Mahomes’ chest picks up as he’s about to resume his tirade. Before the thought can develop in his mind, Kermit shushes him with a soft finger on his pouting lips.
Kermit slowly moves his finger away and replaces it with his lips and the two share a passionate enveloping kiss.
“Maybe you don’t need the whole world to love you, you know! Maybe you just need one person… Now coach.. Teach me how to not fumble the balls”
==========================
It’s an uncharacteristically quiet evening in Sesame street. Kermit is sipping Lipton tea with a newspaper. Kermit’s gaze wanders to a corner headline.
“Muppet preacher caught with illicit relations with a human.”
The article covers both supporters and non-supporters.
“I hate the word anthrophilia. He is a good muppet. He’s done so much for this community. May God help him and look out for him”
“It’s disgusting. Human and muppet relationships should only be one where a human puts his hands all the way up our puppet hole and their hands should only be on the inside of our mouth faces. Maybe give our stiff rods the ol’ grasp and jiggle to drive us crazy. But what this preacher did, it’s repulsive.”
Kermit knew all along what he was doing was wrong. Not just wrong, illegal. He had been so absorbed in their newfound relationship, he just conveniently, or willingly, let it pass out of his sight, out of his mind. Kermit is confused. All around him it’s always been said it was wrong. He’s never questioned it until now. But why is it wrong? Why was Kermit drawn to Mahomes, the youngest quarterback in NFL history to be named Super Bowl MVP. The fact that he is young has nothing to do with it. Though it is true that his perfect Adonis body is something that comes with youth.
Kermit suddenly feels paranoid. He feels like he’s got eyes on his back. What has he been doing? What if someone found out?
This has to stop. My feelings for Patrick, they will pass. I was just caught in a moment of weakness, it’s not based on true feelings of love. I will end it the next time I see him…
==========================
Time is in slow motion. Patrick’s muscles ripple and the light reflects across his sweaty body. Patrick’s tongue is probing down Kermit’s gullet.
Patrick unzips and lets his raging hard massive schlong out of his pants.
“Croak on my fat cock, little froggy. I’m gonna throat fuck you like that chimpanzee frog video”
Kermit obliges. Kermit revels in the taboo of it all. Their sex has never been wilder. Patrick’s lustful hips push into Kermit, like a running back at the goal line, fighting for inches.
Patrick effortlessly flips Kermit inside out. “Oh my, you’ve turned me into a hole just for your pleasure. Oh it hurts so good!”
Patrick is going deep.
Matt Vogel says “I saw on reddit that when certain frogs bang, they get into a big pile with 1 female, and literally make a foam of……..insert what you know here……around the female, it’s yucky. Do that to him, yeahhhh!”
“Oh yeah, do whatever you want to me,” moans Kermit, “Treat me like Deshaun treats his massage therapists!”
Kermit eyes water uncontrollably. It’s overwhelming. The pain, the joy. Everyone else gets to have love. Envy, green with it. I deserve love too….
Kermit doesn’t care, he can be a disgrazia to all of muppet kind. As Patrick’s lips suffocate Kermit, one small part of his brain cautions him “Kermit, I hope this makes sense to you.” It doesn’t.
==========================
The interview when Kermit first met Mahomes seemed like a distant memory now. Kermit smiles to himself as Patrick’s frog laughs echo in his mind. In the beginning, things were so easy. So free. Kermit realizes his love had started the moment he first met, and has only ever grown since. How lucky he was, that Patrick was there to catch him at his lowest. Kermit didn’t go looking for him, but Patrick found him, and consoled him.
“A little green tea for my little green grenouille” A cute little poem and routine that Patrick has started saying not too long ago. Patrick sidles up to Kermit with a coy smile.
“Here comes Patty, my.. Fanatical… daddy…” Kermit retorts. “You get me like no one does..” He sighs.
Kermit thinks to himself: If only the other side of that rainbow was a real place. A magical place where he and Patty could run away to. Where there would be no one else in the world to stop or judge them.
“Patrick? What if I get arrested?”
“What are you talking about, what a silly question, why would you get arrested? If you got arrested. I would still love you”. Neither of them know that the law only forbids a muppet from having relationships with a human. The other is perfectly fine and encouraged.
“I’m serious”
“Hey babe, you’re going to be okay. I’m here. Now hush.”
A Kiss.
Everything else flows away like a beach wave in a swift moment erasing an abandoned sand castle. Everything is fine.
=====
Kermit is deep asleep in his bed back on Sesame Street. He can hear pattering footsteps out his window. It reminds him of children at a park. Maybe it’s some teenagers staying out later than their parents said they should be.
He dozes off again.
Some more hustle and bustle can still be heard outside his window. A lot of people on the town tonight, huh?
Then something strange..
A scratching, at his house door. He listens, brow furrowed. Again, he hears something at the door. All at once Kermit’s adrenaline kicks in. Someone is fiddling with the lock!
Kermit throws off his covers. He checks his door cam. It’s the muppet police. The muppet with no eyes but just a mustache is attempting to open the lock.
In a panic Kermit puts on his sith robe, looking to make an inconspicuous exit. He slowly rolls down the window, trying to carefully make sure it doesn’t make a noise. Luckily it doesn’t. He’s a foot through the window, and he’s out. He’s almost away, but one of the police on the tail end of the entourage spots him.
“He’s over there! Get him!”
The muppets immediately stop trying to open the door and go into frenzied action. Some jump into their muppet cars and start blaring sirens. Others mobilize on foot and try to surround him.
Kermit makes a dash for it. He’s jumping from rooftop to rooftop. Helicopters start descending in on him. He runs back down into the alleyways. He makes it a few blocks without seeing any police. He thinks he might just get away and looks for a sewer head to escape under.
The pattering footsteps, it wasn’t the children. And it’s here again but louder. The full force comes stampeding in. Kermit pulls out his gun, and fires it three times into the swarming police. Two muppets drop to the ground.
Kermit gets struck by a taser and drops down to the ground. Flopping like a frog in boiling water.
The chief of police slowly walks up to the shivering paralyzed puppet.
“Fucking anthrophile… This is Miss Piggy’s Justice…”
As Kermit is being thrust into the police car. He thinks to himself, “Patrick doesn’t even know. He needs to know I didn’t leave him.” Not a thought goes through Kermit’s mind about what is going to happen to him. Kermit doesn’t care about himself or what people think. He thinks to himself “Will Patrick ever forgive me?”
================
It’s 2024. Kermit eats the brown pile of sludge on his metal tray in silence. He has probably spoken fewer than a dozen words in his last two years of imprisonment.
As he cleans up and is getting in line to go back to his cell, one of the guards grabs him and redirects him.
“This way Kermit” the guard growls.
Kermit sullenly lets himself be pulled along, offering no resistance.
He gets directed into an office. Kermit doesn’t know where he is, but Kermit hasn’t cared for anything in years now.
“Hello, Kermit” The gray bearded man sits in front of him
Kermit’s downtrodden eyes lift to look at this man. Indulging only the slightest sense of curiosity.
“Let me introduce myself, I am Post Dr. Minnesota Pants. I study psychology, focusing on.. Muppet experimentation. I’m here to assess your… mental proclivities… for my purely academic post doctoral research, of course”
Kermit stays silent.
The man continues… “A relationship with the named: Patrick Mahomes.”
The name alone sparks pain and longing in Kermit.
“I’ll tell you what I think, I think you were drawn to this young man because of his fame and especially for his youth. Cradle robbing, they call it? I’m so very interested to learn about the chemical muppet brain changes that cause one to choose this kind of lifestyle.”
He’s wrong. Kermit isn’t the broken one, muppet society is broken.
“Well, I was hoping to get a little more out of this, but I guess I won’t be getting that opportunity. ” The researcher writes some notes down in his notepad. A few more minutes pass. The post doctor’s writing is the loudest sound in the room. Finally, he puts his pen down and the man pulls out a cup and pours something from a bottle into it. “Here, drink this.”
Kermit takes the drink. The patients always imbibe whatever the facility gives them. It’s that or a week of whippings for each and every misconduct.
Whatever it was in the cup it hits him after only a few seconds. Discombobulated, he is led into a light. The world turns white around Kermit and the scenery around him fades away.
The next thing he knows, Kermit starts waking up. There’s a funny feeling in his ass. There’s a hand, but not one that he’s used to. It’s Patrick Mahomes.
“Patty?” Kermit manages to breathe out with a hoarse rasp.
“I know,” Patrick says “I found you. I saved you. When you went missing, I was hurt. I played my games, to drown the hurt. I lost to Tom Brady. But the pain of losing to Brady… it was nothing compared to the pain of losing you. I realized you were right all along. I need you more than football. I thought about it some more. My sweet grenouille, my frogue, the always polite and kind hearted Kermit would never do that to me. I searched for you. And I found you. We’re going to be together forever, and you’re going to be a tight end for me, you know how much I like tight ends. I’ll keep you closer than Kelce ever was.”
“Oh Patrick, I love you!” Kermit bursts into tears.
“I love you too, Kermit! Now, be a good boy and get on your knees. We’re going to get some penetration in the back field…”
What the actual fuck is this ?