I’m a flawed man: I suck at cooking, I’m bad at math, and it would take me almost twenty minutes to run a mile. My point is I don’t have a lot of talents. I’m aware that I don’t. Don’t try to convince me I do. But I do have one gift: I know the crap out of animals.
You’d think I’d have a cool nickname like Steven Irwin did, and you’re halfway right. I do have a nickname, but it’s definitely not in the books, and it’s definitely not as cool as “The Crocodile Hunter.” However, it’s arguably much more important. They call me… “Semen Stan”
Yeah… that’s right. And no, it’s not as gross as it sounds. You see, while several animals around the world are going endangered or extinct because we humans are the worst, there are a handful of different animals that are going endangered or extinct because they just won’t get busy. My job is to do one of two things: get them in the mood to get busy with each other or collect a sample myself. As much as I wish it was mostly the former, the latter is much more common.
I earned my nickname after years of helping endangered pandas at a wildlife preserve in China’s Jiajin mountains. I’d come into the job thinking I’d be shoveling poop and feeding pandas bamboo, while jump starting a career in wildlife conservation. But it was there I truly discovered my gift. You see, no one had been able to get the little fuckers to reproduce in decades and it was a hazing ritual to tell new recruits to collect a semen sample from a panda we called Big Wang. The name was ironic. Wang hadn’t been erect since 1982. And this was in 2003.
I had a sample from Wang in about three minutes. I don’t want to get too much into the details, but I promise it was actually a very clinical process. It normally is. It’s really just about responding to behavioral cues.
But this isn’t a story of me jacking off animals, okay. It definitely started out that way. You see, I ended up developing a reputation. I successfully inseminated or bred hundreds of animals: penguins, koalas, galapagos turtles, rare centipedes, you name it. It’s not always semen, honestly, but I’m still Semen Stan.
So one day I get a call from my buddy Jack. He used to work for a wildlife non-profit that I did some work for, but I’d recently heard that he’d switched to working for the EPA.
“Hey, Semen Sam. How’s it going?” Jack asked. Something had changed in his voice since he started working for the government. While he still maintained his usual casual tone, there was a little more weight behind his words.
“Oh, can’t complain. How about you?”
“I’m fine, but I’m a little rushed. I was actually calling to offer you a government job. It pays really well because it’s something only someone with your specialties is really up for.”
“My specialties?” I was confused. The EPA normally dealt with environmental rules and regulations. What did they need with an animal breeding consultant?
“It’s actually not even with the EPA. It’s apparently with some animal that’s so rare the CIA is involved.”
If I’d been drinking something, I might’ve done a spit-take. What the heck did the CIA want with Semen Stan? Why did the CIA need my work? What kind of animal was it? All sorts of crazy conspiracy theories clouded my mind. Was this about some competition with Russia? Were they trying to weaponize an animal?
Perhaps confusing my bewildered silence for hesitation, Jack spoke again.
“So, are you interested?”
“Oh,” I replied, “I’m not just interested. I’m in.”
Within a week, I’d met with two separate agents at undisclosed locations, passed several background checks, and been given a psychiatric and physical check-up. Whatever this job was, it was serious. Finally, I was allowed into the CIA headquarters. Had the badge and everything.
After checking in with security, I was introduced to my supervisor. Her name was Dr. Williams. She spent my first day introducing me to the animal I’d be working with.
She spread out all of the documents on the table and watched my expression as I sorted through them. I sat in mild-mannered, stone-faced disbelief as I poured over several pictures and testimonials and records of scientific experiments done on the creature. Still, I couldn’t believe what I was reading.
“You… is this a prank show? Am I on a prank show?” I looked up at Dr. Williams, expecting her to laugh. She wasn’t smiling.
“No. This is real.”
“You guys have… a big-foot?” I asked, incredulously.
“No,” she replied, “We have a sasquatch.”
So I’ll skip all the boring bureaucratic nonsense and training I went through and get to the part I know you’re all here for: sex. Like I said before, normally when I collect my samples it’s very clinical. I’ll sometimes bring some pheromones or adjust lighting or touch the animal in a stimulating way, but I never feel anything. I’m not a furry or anything. I merely assist the necessary amount. But this experience was different.
My mission started simple: get a sample of sasquatch semen for the CIA. It became complicated the moment I opened the door.
The creature’s eyes rose to meet mine, and I froze. This was no animal. There was an intelligence in those eyes that was mountains above the smartest primates and dolphins I’d encountered. There was no mistake: this creature was more human than primate.
He was covered in luxurious, thick fur. You’d think it would be matted or rough, but it looked soft and silky smooth. I felt the intense urge to reach forward and caress, but I denied it.
I stepped into the room, partially because it was my job but mostly because I was drawn in by this mysterious creature. Closing the door behind me, I briefly turned away. But I never felt its eyes leave me.
I turned back around. Could I communicate with him? Could I ask him how he’d like to go about this? Normally, I took my cues from the animals, but the sasquatch really wasn’t giving me any. Instead, I felt like I was being studied. Like he was the scientist, and I was the animal locked in a cage. I shivered, and much to my shock, I felt my dick get just a little bit hard.
I was getting turned on, there was no doubt about it. Something about his fur… his eyes. I needed a way to talk to him. To gauge how aware he was of everything going on.
“‘Sup,” I said. What? *Sup?* Why did I say *‘Sup?’* There was something about this sasquatch that made me weak in the knees and fuzzy in the brain. I looked down at his big, big feet and almost fainted. They were immaculate. I’ve always been a foot guy, and the giant, flawless feet made me swoon. I felt my pants tighten. God, could BigFoot see my boner?
The sasquatch moved its lips as if trying to mimic mine. It spoke, but the sound was guttural, more animalistic than my speech.
“Sup.” He grunted. He looked down at my crotch. My cheeks turned red. Of course he saw my boner.
The sasquatch smiled. He stood up. I hadn’t realized that he’d been sitting until he towered over me. According to the charts, he was 11ft 11 inches tall. Reading it on the chart and seeing it on pictures was entirely different than experiencing it. I’m a tall guy. At 6 ft 4, it’s hard to find someone who towers over me. He was almost twice as big as I was. And fuck, he was ripped. What were they feeding him?
*Welcome. It’s easier for me to communicate this way.* I heard a voice ENTER MY HEAD. That’s right. Bigfoot can COMMUNICATE TELEPATHICALLY.
*Feel free to send a thought back.* The voice said. *If you deliberately send a thought my way, I can catch it.*
*Can you hear this?* I sent the thought to Bigfoot.
*Yes. Now why are you here, human?*
I took a deep breath. *I need… a sample of one of your fluids.*
*Oh? Which one?*
*Your semen.*
*Ah. You mean my seed?*
*Umm… yes.*
The sasquatch suddenly ripped my shirt, right down the middle. Buttons popped off and tattered fabric fell to the ground, exposing my bare chest. I hope sasquatch likes dad-bod.
Evidently, he does. Because the next thought I hear from him is.
*If you get my seed, I get yours.*
And then Bigfoot gets down on his knees. It’s at this point I let myself look down at his crotch and see his dick poking out. The entire thing is surrounded in tangled fur much coarser than the rest of his silky body. It’s huge. Let’s say my dick is average. Imagine a truly average dick, not huge by any means but definitely nothing you’d complain about. Bigfoot’s dick was *three times bigger than mine!* THREE TIMES bigger. You’d think I’d feel emasculated but I felt… excited. But it wasn’t my turn yet.
Bigfoot went straight for my dick. He pulled down my khakis and immediately shoved the entire thing into his mouth. He had a big-ass mouth, so my dick slid right in down his throat. It wasn’t the tightest, but it was warm, wet, and Bigfoot knew how to *suck.* He sucked the *shit* out of my dick.
I wrapped my fingers in Bigfoot’s fur, finally getting to touch it. It was the softest thing I’d ever touched in my entire life. Silky, smooth, a little fluffy, thick… I wanted to lie in it forever. Instead, I’d settle for resting my fingers through it. I began to stroke the first as Bigfoot worked the tip of my cock more with his tongue. Pure bliss.
After a few minutes, Bigfoot began to pick up the pace. I moaned as hot cum began to shoot out of my dick and into Bigfoot’s throat. He didn’t move away. I felt the muscles of his throat tighten as he swallowed my load.
I pulled out quickly as the post-nut clarity hit me: *The CIA might end up watching this.* But… I was just a consultant. I guess if they fire me it’s a good story.
*Alright.* I heard Bigfoot’s voice in my head again. *It’s my turn.*
*I’m ready.*
*I do… have to warn you. I tend to make some… interesting sounds when I’m sexually satisfied.*
*Don’t worry.* I reassured him. *I’m sure it’s fine.*
I fished through the fanny pack I’d brought, now on the ground with my discarded pants. I pulled out the water-based lube I’d packed.
*Wait.* Bigfoot said. *You won’t need that. I need you to stimulate… another area.*
He was looking down at his feet. His beautiful, sexy feet. He wanted me to… stimulate them? How?
*Suck on my toes, Stan.*
I obliged. I started with his left pinkie toe. Bigfoot began to moan. It did sound a… little odd. Kind of like a peculiar grunting noise.
“Urf ugh oo ugh uff ooo yeeeah.”
I sucked on his pinkie toe like it was a delicious, furry little popsicle. After Bigfoot’s groans began to wane, I started on his next toe.
His moans grew louder, “URF UGH OO UGH UFF OOO YEEEAH.”
Finally, the third little piggy went to market. Bigfoot went berserk.
*“URF UGH OO UGH UFF OOO YEEEAH!!!!!!!!”*
I brought the fourth delicious toe to my mouth, watering in anticipation. This time, however, Bigfoot was silent. He didn’t make the animalistic noises that I was expecting. Instead, he seemed to be shocked into complete and total pleasure, unable to make sounds. His large penis was erect, standing stiff and tall and foreboding, not yet ready to erupt.
Bigfoot started shaking from his entire core. I slipped the big toe into my mouth. Bigfoot opened his eyes. They were wild. He went wild. I realized the noises that Bigfoot had made earlier weren’t the cause of his warning.
While my memory is still a little shaky, here are the noises he made while I sucked on his best toe, transcribed to the best of my ability:
“OO OO OO. AH AH AH. OHMYFUCKING GOD. FWAP FWAP FWAP FWAP FWAP FWAP FWAP FWAP FWAP.
AH-OOOOOO-GA. AH-OOOOOOOOO-GA. AH-OOOOOOOOO-GA.
MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEEEEE-OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.
OWZA WOWZA BO-BOWZA. AYE-YAYE-YAYE.
OOOMPA LOOMPA DUPITY DOO. CRUMPET STRUMPET BUMP-IT.
BUMP-IT. TWIST-IT. BOP-IT. YUM YUM YUM YUM YUM.
OOOOOOOO OOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOO KEEEEEEEEEEEEEP GOING
DON’TSTOPDON’TSTOPDON’TSTOPDON’TSTOPDON’TSTOPDON’TSTOP DON’TSTOPDON’TSTOPDON’TSTOPDON’TSTOPDON’TSTOPDON’TSTOPDON’TSTOP
OOOO OOOO OOOO OOOO
URF URF URF URF URF URF
ICK ICK ICK ICK ICK ICK ICK
YA YA YA YA YA YA YA
BUFF
A
LOOOOOO
BUFF
A
LOOOOOOO
BUFF
A
LOOOOOOO
Then, he collected himself very calmly, looked my in the eyes and said in a perfectly human, but almost robotic voice,
“Collect my sample, bitch. I’m gonna cum all up in that vial.”
He started to ejaculate, and I collected the sample. He did, in fact, “cum all up in that vial.”
I expected horror from any staff that had been spectating when I left his containment area, but as I closed the door, leaving that marvelous beast behind me, I was met with applause. Dr. Williams and several other members of staff in lab coats were smiling.
Dr. Williams shook my hand.
“No one has ever been able to get a sample from him before. He’s never taken to anyone so well. What did you do?”
“I guess… I’m Semen Stan.”
Dr. Williams laughed, “Well, tomorrow we launch phase two: inseminating the female.”
Source: reddit.com/r/Erotica/comments/l5lis6/endangered_humorous
sexy ❤️❤️❤️
Lmfao this is great