Obsessed. You couldn’t get enough of each other. You go to dive bars and he grabs your knee the whole time while your pashmina slides off your shoulder. His tattooed arms brush your hair behind your ear while you’re talking and he just stares at you. You’ve never felt so seen and loved and adored and dominated and freed. You go to strip clubs together and get drunk and talk about the ones you think are hot. You go to the drive in movie theatre to see End Game and get so high on his weed pen. You go to the beach on a cloudy day, drink twisted tea from a large pitcher, and set spells on the sky to make the clouds clear up. They do and you decide you’re clearly magic together.
After 3 months of that you sit with him in the Applebee’s parking lot before you go in.
“I’m in lesbians with you,” he says.
You laugh hard and say, “Excuse me?”
“Yup super in lesbians with you. Can’t help myself.”
“Aw, I’m in lesbians with you too.”
When he tells you for real that he loves you for the first time you’re in his living room. He’s living at his parents’ house after some bad luck with a business venture he went out to LA for. A weed delivery service. He’s changed jobs a lot and has trouble finding one that he truly likes. His real passion is coaching. You tell him he would be an amazing teacher. He says he could never write all of those lesson plans and deal with the parents. You say you barely do it yourself, but it’s worth it. He opened a small Muay Thai and Jiu Jitsu gym in Voorhees right before you met him. You visit him there and start taking classes though you suck and don’t really take it seriously. His students love him and he is an amazing teacher, just like you thought.
You’re sitting on his lap on the couch stroking his beard and hair while you watch another episode of Rick and Morty after hitting the bong.
“Do you think ghosts are real?” you say after a while.
Source: reddit.com/r/Erotica/comments/k9yp0r/sapiosexuals_to_all_the_boys_who_fucked_me_over
This is very different than what is usually on here lol
I like the concept, but there are a couple of really weird formatting choices that I think are a big problem.
1. Writing in the second person really isn’t a good format for a non-interactive narrative. (It’s good for video games, role plays, and writing prompts for example.) It is a format that assumes we have a little more knowledge or input on who the MC is, or what they’re feeling. So it doesn’t really work in a standard, written narrative (in my opinion).
2. There is a lot of information thrown at the reader very quickly, and we’re not really given a lot of reason to care about any of it? It feels like a personal anecdote, or the pitch for a story, not the whole story. It’s a very “yadda yadda” approach to character building, which can sometimes work for pure smut stories, but that doesn’t seem like what you’re going for.
For this concept to work, the interaction between the characters needs to be compelling, and it’s very hard for that to be the case when one of them is a blank slate, and the other is a tatted up MMA bro whose ideas for romance include going to strip clubs, and quoting Scott Pilgrim in an Applebees parking lot.
I think you’ve got an idea here, and it seems like you’re coming at a romance story from an interesting angle, so keep running with it. I just feel like the concepts you’re playing with are held back by the short length, the second person format, and by extension of those two problems, a lack of emotional investment instilled in the reader.
Hope this helps!