**I grew up in a judgmental/sexually repressive household, and I’m sharing this post to inspire sex positivity and to see what I can learn from others in the process. I hope this post resonates with someone out there:**
Do you ever feel like you lost the innocence of your childhood as you bloomed into your sexuality? Part of me longs for the day when I could recapture the innocence of boyhood again – the days before sexuality was such a driving force in my life. I mean, even as a young boy I was attracted to girls. But ever since I’ve been about 12 years old – I’ve been insatiable. I remember I used to play with the girls in my neighborhood. Riding bikes, on the playgrounds, in the sandbox, all the different imaginary games we’d come up with and play together. Just holding hands with a girl or getting a hug made you feel like such a badass. Now we play imaginary games in the bedroom. Now I’d rather play “Let me suck on your clit and finger you to orgasm.” Or “Suck on my dick until I shoot cum down your throat.”
**THE DAY INNOCENCE DIED**
I vividly remember the day I crossed that threshold. I already discover masturbation at age 11, but I was a 13-year-old boy now. I told myself that I needed to start educating myself on sex, because I needed to be prepared. I didn’t want to risk looking like a clueless dumbass in front of girls. At this point, I didn’t even know what female genitalia looked like. I logged onto the internet and started reading articles about sexuality and female anatomy. I knew I found what I was looking for as I anxiously read the definitions of words like “cunnilingus” and “fellatio.” But these were just words from what I recall was excerpts from a medical book. I thought to myself, “Instructions, demonstrations, or pictures would be much more helpful.” The next website I remember stumbling across was some kind of message board, much like the one you’re using right now. I remember clicking on it and reading the first post. It was a post on sex positivity written by a woman in her late 20’s. I’m going to attempt to recreate her post as she wrote it from my memory.
“***I’ll never forget the day I got kicked out of my parent’s house.*** *I come from a Christian family, and my parents don’t believe in sex before marriage. I was not allowed to have sex while growing up, so I had to sneak around as a teenager and in my early 20s. As I started to get older, I stopped giving a fuck and started going over to guy’s places and having sex. I was living at my parent’s house at the time. They were supposed to be on vacation all weekend long and weren’t coming back until Monday. I had a guy friend come over to spend the weekend with me. He wasn’t my boyfriend, just a guy I knew through friends. Our plan was to have marathon sex all weekend long. We fucked for hours at a time, only stopping to eat, sleep, and shower. It was the funnest and hottest sex I’ve ever had.*
*It was Sunday afternoon. We fucked all night, crashed for a few hours, then started fucking again the next morning. We planned to extend our party one more day and spend the rest of the day fucking each other since my parents weren’t coming back until sometime Monday anyway. We had already been going at it for hours at this point, when suddenly I heard voices. I had been moaning so loud from the sex that I didn’t even hear my parents come in through the front door! They decided to come back a day early and just got home. They heard the moaning when they came in and panicked thinking I needed help. I’ll never forget the looks of horror, embarrassment, disappointment on their faces. They walked in on their daughter bent over on all fours on the living room floor of her childhood home, getting fucked from behind with a cock up her ass and getting her hair pulled. My pussy was dripping wet and my face, lips, tits, and asshole were stained with sticky dried cum.*
*I was told that I was no longer welcome to live there anymore and that I was expected to leave the following morning.***”**
As a 13-year-old boy I vividly remember recoiling with shock and appall after reading this. I thought: “This is so fucked up! How could a man do something like that to a women? How could a woman allow a man to do something like that to her? What’s wrong with this girl? How could she do that to her parents, in her childhood home?” I instantly exited out of the message board. For some odd reason, I’m being hit with a wave of anxious tension as I write this right now. I wanted to scrub the imagery out of my brain, for this bodily hedonism and degradation can’t be what love and sex are about. I kept scrolling and eventually wound up on a porn website. At the ripe age of 13-years-old, I finally found what I was looking for. I finally saw a naked woman’s body, and saw pornographic sexual imagery, long before I even got my first kiss. I’m ashamed to admit this. But at the same time, I didn’t know what I was looking at. Nobody ever taught me about porn.
**FLASH-FORWARD**
As a 28-year-old man on a journey of self-discovery and sex positivity, I totally get it now. I want to have weekend-long marathon sex sessions. I like anal sex and hair pulling. I want women to moan, scream, and cum all over my cock. I want my partners on their hands and knees dripping with my cum, begging for another load. Re-creating the scene described in this woman’s post has become a fantasy of mine, because I’ve realized that I genuinely like doing all these activities. What made me uncomfortable at age 13, I now find exciting and arousing. And I’m at a point in life where I’ve lost the capacity to care what my parent’s think about my sexuality, my sex life, or the women I choose to have sex with. Yet, my inner child still longs for the day I can recapture my sense of boyish innocence. Is it possible to step into your full sexual power as an adult, without betraying your inner child? Part of me believes that all we really are is little kids trapped in big bodies anyway.
Thanks for reading.
***********************************************************************************If anyone can find this post from that message board, I’d love to see it. I would have found it sometime during 2006, so finding it would probably be an impossible task at this point.
Source: reddit.com/r/Erotica/comments/k5ji70/the_day_innocence_died