I’m (F23) and the guy I’m seeing is 24. It took him a while to initiate sex. He said he didn’t want to make me feel like just a hookup. And I appreciated that. One night when we first started hooking up, he stopped after going down on me and said he didn’t want me to be a hook up. So we stopped. The next day, we did just oral because every time we tried to have sex, he would lose his erection… every time…he told me to stop and that it was okay, as long as I was pleased… it took like 2 hours and when I couldn’t make him finish he kept going down on me. We tried again the other day and it took over an hour..he said he just takes forever to finish.
Has anyone that experienced this, whether you are the person who cannot stay erect/takes a while to finish, or you’re in my situation being the one that can’t do the pleasing, have any advice? I seriously have never encountered this and I do like him a lot. But I need the sex to be good or else I’ll get nervous that I’ll get left. Please give any kind of advice. He’s not interested in discussing it with me yet.
EDIT: I have tried to spice things up on my end with sexy talk, lingerie, and being freakier.. all things he mentioned liking way before we tried having sex…
Source: reddit.com/r/sexystories/comments/guup8w/the_guy_im_seeing_cant_stay_hard_or_finish
Has he seen a doctor and had a blood test? Sometimes it can be a simple deficiency of something.
It could be that he is over stimulated or has a pornography addiction and his brain doesn’t know how to react to the real thing. He may have gotten to a point where he needs more and more visual stimulation to be aroused. It may be something that he needs to address and may not know how to tell you. If he gets his pleasure from taking care of you, then tell him that you are appreciative but you want both of you to enjoy the pleasures.
Speaking from the perspective of not being able to please my partner to finishing- first, try to change your mindset! Just because he doesn’t orgasm or is able to maintain an erection doesn’t mean he doesn’t enjoy what you’re doing, and how you make him feel. I definitely understand how hard it is to divorce your feelings of inadequacy from the issue at hand, but my guess is that it’s more about him than about any problem with what you’re doing.
Is he a heavy masturbator? And if so, does he masturbate dry? Both of those things cause a lot of sensation loss, which could be contributing factors to his erection loss. My partner (28M) and I (25F) dealt with that for a long time, and honestly, the best way to regain sensitivity is to stop masturbating, especially without lube (at least for a while). He has to want to change, and I would recommend clear guidelines that you establish together- maybe he can masturbate 3 times a week instead of 5, for example.
Another big factor can be performance anxiety and familiarity with a sexual partner- when my partner and I started getting sexual, it was hard for him to maintain an erection once PIV started and hard to finish in general, (we tackled that first mostly through oral and hand work so we weren’t working on 2 projects at once) because he was thinking three steps ahead, and because we needed to learn how to have sex with Each Other- each partner is different.
Open, clear lines of communication are the best tools you have to help you through it. There will definitely be setbacks and disappointments, but it is worth it! Work as a team, and try to be patient, understanding, and nonjudgmental. It sounds as if he is likely embarrassed/ashamed that he isn’t able to maintain an erection- support, positive reinforcement, and a sloooow pace will also hopefully help.
My partner has a similar problem. He’s been checked by a urologist but the doctor says it’s probably an emotional issue related to depression. My partner assures me it’s got nothing to do with me, but just know that you’re not alone and neither is he.
ED isn’t unheard of in 20-30 year olds. Plus if you have trouble getting hard, you’re very in your head about whether or not you can cum.