Who I Was Before [F/M] [Vanilla]

“Whose idea was this?” Stella and Levi both wondered as they huffed up the side of a mountain. Traversing a nearly 90 degree angle now, they had both run out of breath to speak. Even Levi, whose team was training twice a day lately in preparation for the playoffs.

“Why’d I ever start dating an athlete who’d want to do something like this for *fun*?” Stella wondered, begrudgingly pawing her way up the rocks. “Why’d I ever let Stella talk me into this?” Levi griped as he kept an iron grip on the rocks.

In reality, it hadn’t been either’s idea. They saw the pamphlet marked “breathtaking vista with exquisite sun set view in sparsely populated overlook” and both thought the same thing “Sounds like a cool place to fuck.”

They’d been in an air conditioned gas station then. Now they were on the trail, in 85 degree heat. “When’s the last time we even saw a trail marker?” Levi wondered. “Stella, I think we should turn back. I have no clue where we are.” He started to say.

But just as he finished his sentence, they passed over a ledge, and in an instant, they were surrounded. Copper streaked canyons and placid crystal pools encircled them as far as the eye could see, interrupted only by the occasional cluster of towering pine trees or flock of screeching raptors.

Levi couldn’t help but gasp at the majesty of it. Stella was close behind him and didn’t take long to absorb the scenery before remarking “no wonder it’s sparsely populated, it’s a suicide mission to get up here.”

They both tripped over to the lone bench in the center of it all to catch their breath. Usually the two would naturally gravitate to one another at a time like this. They’d be like magnets, it would be physically impossible to keep them apart.

But today, a solid barrier of insecurities forced them to opposite ends of the bench, angled away from one another, too focused on avoiding eye contact to enjoy the view.

Stella pulled an all nighter finishing a paper to allow them this special time together, and Levi was sacrificing precious cram time before a big test. But Levi knew he could ace the graduate level chemistry final without studying, let alone a run of the mill exam. And Stella’s paper was due before they left anyways. In actuality, they were dreading being alone.

They’d both been home over Christmas. It was the first school break since meeting one another that they hadn’t stayed on campus or gone to work for at least half the duration. So they’d both been forced to confront bits and pieces of who they were before.

In actuality, they weren’t much different at all. But the way they saw themselves had changed so radically, they might as well have undergone a full and complete identity transformation.

Levi made Stella feel safe. Stella made Levi feel desirable. Each made the other feel invincible. They had lost some of that security during this time apart. Each returned with new deep seated fears connected to their childhoods.

Stella walked past the same playgrounds, shopping centers, and apartments where she had been bullied so severely that she developed a crippling eating disorder.

She returned with her self loathing brought to the surface. Petrified that her relationship with Levi lacked foundation, and that he’d leave her for the first thin girl he could find. The stretch marks made Stella want to peel her skin off with a razor blade.

Levi had been back in the same house where “learning a valuable lesson” always meant tears, often involved blood, and sometimes required stitches. He’d figured out how to live with the scars after a couple years away, but being home for that amount of time rehashed the shame and resentment they has previously inflicted.

He’d lose himself in catatonic rages, fantasizing about hacking them off forever. Once he and Stella were a couple, he stopped thinking about them. Since he returned, they were the only thing he saw when he looked in the mirror. He came back sure however serious he and Stella were, that they would never be as serious as if he didn’t have, what he considered to be, visual reminders that he was imperfect.

So as a serene breeze tousled their hair and the last flickering rays of sun playfully invited them to draw closer, they were too wrapped up in themselves to notice one another.

Ironically, their insecurities fed into each other. Levi sat there desperately wanting to initiate a kiss, but every time he turned to reach over, he felt the skin tighten around his jagged gashes and stop himself. Stella longed to bury her face in his chest, but every time she turned to reach over, she’d feel the loose skin on her arms wiggle, and stop herself.

But the thought that plagued them both most was “Why isn’t he trying anything?” And “Why isn’t she trying anything?” Both followed by, “I must be right about my problems.”

The air had gone from dry and searing to biting and frigid in a matter of minutes. “I don’t want to walk down this thing in the dark. We better get moving.” Levi said, rising. “Oh, good call.” Stella replied. Both were simultaneously relieved and disappointed nothing had happened between them.

It was all getting to be a bit much for Stella. She couldn’t quiet the voice in her head shrieking “The last thing a landscape this beautiful needs is you here to ruin it. You’re too ugly to go pretty places. Get back where you belong.” She felt something fragile in her starting to sprout hairline cracks.

Levi, ever the protector, even in the midst of his own misery, picked up on it immediately. He forgot about all his doubts and flaws for a second as he noticed Stella getting glassy eyed. He flew to her side and pulled her into him. “We don’t have to go right away if you don’t want.” He said, unhurriedly.

Stella pressed her face into his cuddly frame. She soaked up his energy and it sealed the cracks like super glue. “Ok, let’s go.” She finally agreed, pulling away.

The walk down, despite being infinitely easier, felt much longer than the way up. Underscored by the deafening silence they had to contend with for all three and a half miles of it. Neither were looking particularly forward to the hour long drive home, either.

Levi had to fight to keep the echoes of “maybe if you’d been a better son, there wouldn’t be scars to worry about” from getting too close to his heart. They were both relieved to pull open the doors to Stella’s car.

The radio got them through the blank trip home as they careened through the repetitive of darkness. Usually they’d gossip about classmates, reminisce about the past, or dream about the future. Levi would go on political rants and make ridiculous puns, Stella would do poorly timed karaoke and play with his hair. Tonight they were silent and still.

As they pulled up to Stella’s apartment, Levi didn’t let the tension keep him from walking her to the door. Out of habit more than anything. They stopped at her steps and both knew if they didn’t kiss goodbye, for the first time in months, it would have to be addressed.

All they could hear was the hum of a far distant highway and a television blaring faintly from a higher floor. They looked at each others shoes as they tried to determine what to do next. Stella had always been a talker and a communicator, whether Levi wanted to talk or communicate or not. At least this facet of their relationship remained the same.

“So, things have been really weird today.” She said, briefly glancing to meet his gaze before darting her eyes away. “Yah… I’m sorry about that. I know what you’re talking about.” Levi replied, choking down what he really wanted to say.

Stella felt her cheeks get hot. Both thought it was entirely their own fault. “It’s just… I went home.” She began. “I went home and it… I guess, it brought up a lot.”

Levi’s first thought was “Oh my God. It’s happening. She’s met someone else.” He felt his knees buckling. “Oh.” He said. “What’s his name?” The mix of devastation and despair was apparent on his face. “What?!” Stella laughed, thinking he was joking. Then she saw the confusion register, and her real problem seemed trivial in comparison. “Levi, what?! No. I just meant, I saw some of the girls and hung out in some of the places that hurt me before and it’s been making me so self conscious about my body that I can barely leave the house. Let alone be touched by someone as handsome as you.”

Levi couldn’t believe what he was hearing. This didn’t have anything to do with him? What did she have to be self conscious about? His mind was spinning just as much as before, but thankfully, for different reasons now.

“Stel,” he started, brushing her hair back, “You should have said something.” He watched her carefully. “You… you weren’t self conscious about *us*, were you?” She hesitated. She hesitated a second too long for him. “Come on, let’s go inside.” Levi said, as more of an announcement than a suggestion.

In a blink, they were in her room. “Lie down.” Levi insisted. “Why?” Stella asked, genuinely confused. “I need to remind you how your body makes me feel.” He said, without missing a beat.

Levi’s worn fingers spread her legs apart rolled her shorts off to the floor. He rubbed her over her panties for a second, teasing her, giving himself time to make a game plan. He waited until she started to moan, then backed off. He waited a second before pulling her panties to the side and playing with a couple fingers, just a few centimeters at first, going deeper and deeper the more she got into it.

He waited until she was even closer. Pushed right to the precipice. Even higher than they’d been just a few hours earlier. Then he backed off once more, relieving her of her panties altogether, and finishing the job with his willing and eager tongue. He knew the terrain of Stella’s pussy better than any other map on the planet. It only took a few well placed licks and pressure points to light the fuse and watch the fireworks. She was so enraptured, he almost worried neighbors would bang on the walls.

At peace with her, though still not entirely comfortable with himself, Levi snuggled up close to his best friend, who’d yet to even open her eyes again. When she did, her prince was right beside her, batting his eyelashes admiringly.

“Good?” He asked. “Mmhm.” She managed to croak as she floated gently back down to earth. “Well that’s how looking at you feels. Ok?” She held him right against her, soaking in some more of his one of a kind energy. But now that she was once again centered within herself, her mind was clear enough to register Levi’s continued uneasiness.

She gave him one look and it was all she needed to. She communicated “what is it?” Perfectly clearly. Levi shifted a bit away from her, feeling his spirit retreating into itself again.

“Give it to me straight, alright? Do my scars bother you?” Stella was genuinely taken aback. “Why would they bother me?” She asked, trying to contain her shock. “She didn’t lead with ‘no’” Levi noted to himself as their pulses slowed beneath her sheets. “Because they’re unsightly and… I don’t know. Because they’re markers of something unappealing. Snapshots of a bad time.”

Stella had so much she wanted to say. He had never discussed his childhood with her in depth, but he’d said enough for her to know he still had unfinished emotional business to reconcile. Rather than try and fix it, she knew all she could do was help make it a bit more bearable until he was ready to address it on his own.

She stared into his eyes, around him, through him, and tugged his shirt off. She lightly dragged her fingers across each raised edge of scar tissue. She focused on who he was instead of what happened to him. As she felt the end result of all he’d been through, watched how vulnerable he was when he tensed at each new spot she grazed, she was overcome with passion for him. She could not maintain slow and gentle for much longer.

She reached down and unbuttoned his pants. She ignored the harsher scars that had accumulated there as she maneuvered his boxers off and onto the floor. She just plunged a hand into his hair and flung the over his shoulder as she took him inside her.

He played with her nipples, she dug her nails into his back. He ran his hands down her sides, she sucked on his neck. Neither held back, they both gave each other everything they knew they liked best. No build up, no filler, just pure, unbridled ecstasy. They enjoyed what they were giving as much as what they were receiving.

This closeness was exact the thing Levi needed to shake the remnants of his visit home. He traced his palms over the worn streaks in her skin. She didn’t want him to see her stretch marks, but he wanted to. In fact, he needed to. They brought him closer to understanding her. He didn’t want her to see the scars, but she wanted to. She kept feeling them, reading their stories, taking them as a part of the whole body, as they continued to bounce and squeal in unified pleasure.

He saw her stretch marks as she saw the scars. Badges earned in the battle of personal wars. He kept a hand on her marks, and she kept a hand on his, as a final thrust sent them back to the top.

All of a sudden the air was still again but for the far off highway and muffled television. Stella and Levi lay side by side, facing one another. They both had so much they could say, but knew nothing would be clearer than the proclamations they had just made with their bodies.

As they swam in each other’s eyes, who they were before faded off somewhere even further than a memory. Their hearts beat nearly in sync as their pleasure centers continued to tingle and the smalls of their backs beaded with sweat. As they fell into a deep sleep, pressed against one another, they had never been more who they were now.

Source: reddit.com/r/sexystories/comments/fo15ug/who_i_was_before_fm_vanilla