Last night, my boyfriend and I had the best sex we have ever had. It started off normally, we got dinner at one of our favorites in town and had great conversation, which in my opinion is the BEST foreplay. After stuffing ourselves silly like little mole rats we are, we headed back to his place to maybe “watch some 24.” Yeah right, we all know what that means. It’s not 2002 anymore, sweetheart.
So we get back to his place and get all cozy on his couch and power up the tube, when bam, his roommate walks in. Ugh, so inconvenient, his roommate is nice and all but I’m not really looking for a threesome with a fifty-seven year old and I don’t think my babe is either. So we power down the old picture box and head to his room to have some good old fashioned fun.
Yeah, that’s right. Good old fashioned crosswords and sudoku. My boyfriend gets SO HARD from crossword puzzles. I don’t know what it is about them, it’s like he’s a cat and “viper of the Nile region” is his catnip. So he’s doing his crossword, he’s way smarter than me so I’m not much help, and his penis just BURSTS out of his pants! Like it sprung to a life like an old Glockenspiel! At this point I put down my sudoku (that’s a bit more my speed) and climb on top of him.
FINALLY, an activity that I can enjoy too. Or I thought. This man, this damn man, instead of, you know, getting on top of me and plowing me like last years corn, he KEEPS DOING HIS CROSSWORD PUZZLE!! He had the audacity to push me off of him when I tried to give him a blowjob! Have you ever felt so unattractive in your life? I was beat out by a 15 X 15 grid of black and white squares, making people feel smarter than they are for knowing what seven letter words means “hard, but as pasta.”
It gets worse though. I finally get him to put down the crossword, and maybe pay attention to me, and this guy starts rambling about how we can truly know if numbers exist. I know he’s, like, an intellectual or whatever, it’s why I fell for him (okay, well, the tweed cardigans and turtle shell glasses) but this is too much! Sometimes, you just want ya guy to fuck ya, you feel?
Then I realized he was actually a nine foot dumbo octopus, which put me in a great mood and he fucked me like they show in the hentai movies. My hero.