I was inspired to write this after seeing a post on dirtypenpals. First time writing. Feedback appreciated!
You wake up in a dimly lit room As your eyes start to clear, you make out what looks to be a hotel or motel room. You’re on the bed… your throat..
“Hey, are you ok?” a man asks.
Startled you turn to see a man sitting at a chair next to you. Head rest on a hand leaning forward. Admiring.
You notice your clothes seem worn.
“I didn’t mean to disturb you!”
“Oh! I’m fine..” you cough little. Your throat feels a bit sore.
“I don’t mean to bother you but what are you doing in my room?”
You’re startled again. Your mind goes wild. Where are you? What ARE you doing here? Who is this man? and why does he smell so good… think think think.
“ahhh I’m not sure.. I cant recall”
“Have you been travelling?”
“Oh yea I must have been… and I am not sure how I came here..”
“Take your time.” He smiles.
It starts to come back to you.
“ahh yes I was travelling for work. I came to this city on business… I am staying in this hotel, but must have accidentally entered the wrong room. I met someone after a long day… I think we had drinks.. and one thing led to another.. you know.”
“I don’t. You should tell me.”
“heh, well lets say he had long fingers, we were drunk and I got curious”
“Go on”
“I think he led me here… or I did or we both stumbles.. but I had an urge to suck a cock”
You feel your heart skip a beat as you reveal this to stranger.
“I was hoping his was long so I could have my fun.. We got in here and soon I was fumbling with his pants… trying to get them off…
When I did.. I was pleasantly rewarded. And then things got rough…. I was sucking him.. doing my best. Trying something new. But his cock just got harder.. throbbing. I could feel him tense with a desire to fuck. When he was in mouth I felt him grab the back of my head.. His dick was too big but he was forcing it down my throat. He started to thrust… I must have made him too horny and he couldnt help himself. I could barely breathe.”
At this moment you realize the man in front of you was getting erect.. his length bulged from beneath his pants. Again your heart began beating faster. A desire to repeat last night.
“I wanted him to cum so badly and tried my best to let him use my throat. He fucked it so hard. I gagged. And then I must have passed out.”
The man in front of you gets up and walks over to you. His crotch at eye level.
“Oh you poor thing.. you just live to please dont you”
“I do”
” Well youre in my room and I think you owe me more than just an explanation”
You gulp. Your feel your throat is still sore but you cant help but give in.
“You know what you have to do.. what youre built for. Right? Open that sweet mouth of yours”
Then he unzips his pants in front of you. The tip lands just shy of your nose. The feeling is electric. You need it down your throat. You move your head closer thinking youll start sensually. Too late. He grabs you by your hair and forces his dick down your throat… you feel you throat bulge and relax and he forces it down. In and out. He is so rough.. and you find it hard to breathe….
You pass out again..
You wake up. Eyes still blurry trying to become aware of your surroundings. You see someone you think you recognize in the doorway. A large man hands his some and then enters the room. He closes the door behind him.
When he get closer he says “I didnt mean to disturb you”
IMO first person would be better here. I understand what you are trying to do by staying in the “you” but that’s a delicate dance with erotica and takes a lot of practice. I’ve only read one author myself who did do it well. It’s intriguing at the beginning which is a plus. It does feel a bit rushed and becomes choppy through the dialogue. I would really dig a bit more into her character. Try talking like she would talk for a hour just doing your normal routine around the house or whenever you have a chance. Maybe spread it out a bit more. Enjoy the writing process. Take your body and mind there.
Edit. Grammar