A cool breeze woke me up.
My head was laying on something warm. And soft. Impossibly soft. I turned on my side and reached up to grab the indescribably soft pillow I lay on, and blinked in surprise.
“Sharla, he is awake.”
I looked up at my pillow and saw instead the most stunning pair of thighs I’d ever laid eyes on. And my head, apparently. And my hand. I looked at my hand, and retracted it instinctively. “Sorry, I-”
“Nonsense,” a soft, incredibly feminine voice said, and she gently grabbed my hand and led it back to her thigh. “Sharla,” she said, directing her voice across the room. “Bring our guest some moon nectar.”
“And would you like something as well, my Queen?” The voice I figured belonged to Sharla was more high pitched and younger sounding than the other, which sounded smooth and… experienced. Wise, almost, like it had been around awhile.
“I will have some tea,” that wise voice said simply, and I could hear the gentle footsteps of Sharla start away. They were a pitter-patter, suggesting she was barefoot. I couldn’t care to turn my head and look, though, because my focus was stolen by the face of the lap I lay on.
Her face was sharp, yet soft and young, and the color of a moon. It seemed to almost glow in the blue light that lit the room. So too did her skin, which was generously shown, barely kept behind a thin, silky white dress that shone of the moon, adorned with various blue gemstones around the neck. But even if every part of her was like a goddess, her eyes were on a level even higher. They were big and full and blue, and seemed to reach endlessly into the depths of the universe the longer I stared. I blinked after I realized I had been staring far too long. I coughed and averted my eyes. I heard her giggle, and her body shuddered with it underneath my head.
“Are you comfortable, my guest?” her voice all but sang. I found myself enamored by her lips this time. Soft and big, hardly a difference in color from her skin. They curled into a suggestive smile.
“Y-yes,” I said. I couldn’t think of what else to say. I wanted nothing more than to relax, feeling those legs underneath my head, and think of those lips.
“You are weak right now,” she said, brushing a lock of my black hair behind my ear. “You were gravely injured when we found you. But we have been tending to you. I and my attendants. You will be just… fine…” she drew out those last two words slowly and seductively, stroking my hair with each.
I blinked, looking her in her endless eyes again, too distracted in them to be embarrassed again. They looked… familiar. Her voice… it sounded familiar too. But I couldn’t place where.
“You looked strained, darling,” she said. I could see a hint of worry creep into her face. “Sharla should return with a glass of ambrosia soon. It will help.”
“T-thank you,” I sputtered out. Her long hair fell down in soft, silvery locks, resting happily on the tops of her moon-white breasts. Long… silver hair. Silver.
It came back and hit me like a spear in my back. Who she was, where I’d heard that voice before, what I was doing here. Injured?
“Like a spear in my back…”
She turned up a gentle blue eyebrow. “I’m sorry?”
“You… monster,” I growled. I pushed myself off her legs and tried to stand. I couldn’t. Not that I didn’t have the strength to push myself up, but… I didn’t have the strength to move my legs at all. They wouldn’t respond. “What did you do to me…”
Her deep blue eyes settled into a cold gaze. She let out a sigh. “You’re cuddled up against the most beautiful woman in the world and you have the strength to push yourself away?” Her lips curled up into a smirk. “You make me want you even more, Dedrefort.”
“You… bitch. I saw what you did to the city of Anthaheim. You… you…”
“Killed them?” she said while examining her flawless nails. “Slaughtered them?”
“You blew the whole place out of existence…” I felt my voice trail away as I realized just how fucked I was. Maybe I should have pretended to not remember. Lay down on those thighs just a bit longer…
“For a man that’s supposedly disgusted by me, you sure are giving my legs quite the hungry look,” she said. I blinked and tore my gaze back to her face, which was… not much better. She let out a laugh, and sat back on her butt, pulling her legs up to her chest, revealing simply an unfair amount of skin.
“The city of Anthaheim had betrayed my trust. Their prince openly made fun of my power,” she said, sticking out her bottom lip in a pout. “I was being bullied, young Dedrefort. Are you suggesting that I stand by and take it?” An eyebrow arched itself suggestively, and she added in a seductive tone. “Although I think you *would* suggest that right about now, wouldn’t you?”
“Shut up,” I snarled at her, and tried to push myself up. My legs were simply unresponsive. I let out an exasperated breath and tried to move them again. Nothing.
“So rude,” she said. She looked up as the pitter patter of her servant returned to the room. “Ah, Sharla, thank you.”
“My pleasure, Queen Alexandros.” Sharla the servant glanced down where I sat pitifully. She was a tall woman, dressed likewise her queen in an unfairly minuscule amount of clothing- a pale blue cloth that was adorned with gems and golden thread. Her hair was a pale blue that matched her dress, bound in a long braid that felt beside her breast. Her gaze was indifferent.
Sharla took a gentle step toward me and knelt down, holding out a platter with a tall, skinny glass on it. It held a cold-looking blue liquid that seemed to put off a mist on the very top. “Drink this.”
I struck out and hit the platter, sending it and the glass flying opposite ways. Sharla’s pretty eyes blinked in confusion, then looked at her Queen.
“I spent a moon brewing that,” Sharla said sadly.
“Fuck you,” I snarled, and started crawling towards the exit. Like hell I would drink their nectar, become their mind-servant… maybe lay my head on her lap again. Sharla too, she was almost as stunning as her Queen. That was rude, what I just did, maybe I should—
“No… NO!” I yelled. “The lot of you are witches. Murderers. Why do I…” I pushed myself farther to the exit, gritting my teeth. What was going on? My mind felt like a war-zone. What was I angry about again? Them? What did they do again?
“Stop it…” I muttered. “What have you done to me?”
A soft, pale foot stepped beside my face, and Queen Alexandros knelt beside me. “My darling, you are sick. We will nurse you back to health.” A hand grabbed me by the shoulder and with a surprising amount of strength, flipped me over on my back. And the most beautiful woman I’d ever seen in my life took up my vision, bent over me. Her soft, pale face regarded me with a compassionate look.
“Sharla, leave me for a few hours. I must attend to my guest.”
“That was quick,” Sharla’s said boredly. “Quicker than the last.”
“Do you expect any less of your Queen, child?”
Sharla seemed to consider it for a moment. “No, I suppose not.” The pitter patter of feet sounded off the hallway in the distance and after awhile, all there was was silence and the beautiful woman above me.
“Now, Dedrefort…” Queen Alexandros slowly placed her hand on my chest and slipped it between two buttons on my shirt, scratching her flawless nails on my chest hair. “I must heal you.”
“You…” I said. I couldn’t think of what I was saying, I couldn’t think of anything. Just her eyes, her lips… those legs… One of those legs lifted up and over me, and she slid onto my crotch, straddling me.
“Yes… you are *desperately* in need of healing, aren’t you?” She traced her nail down my chest, my buttons unbuttoning themselves as her finger touched them, through some form of magic. She placed both hands on my chest and leaned down. Her eyes shone with some sort of brilliance that reached as far back as the universe was wide. A suggestive smile spread on her face, showing her pristine, white teeth.
“S…top…”
She let out a loud laugh from her belly, shaking her body on mine in ways that made me curl my toes in my boots. She returned her gaze to mine and gave me a level look. “No, Dedrefort… You will be mine.”
Her hand reached down and cradled my head, and she bent down, parting her lips ever so slightly and… my vision began to fade, and all went black.
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This is the first piece of erotic fiction that I’ve wrote- tell me what you think. Things you might want me to improve on? Let me know. Hope y’all enjoy it :)
Source: reddit.com/r/sexystories/comments/5l6htw/mfstr8fantasy_goddess_of_the_moon
Not at all bad, but couple of quick notes:
– “A moon” is not, in English, a thing. There is ‘a month’ if you want to not really get into a whole thing about it, or ‘a turn of the moon’ if you want to evoke an archaic kind of feel.
– A turnaround should take some time and let the reader know what’s going on. The POV voice in this particular story going from “Damn, ladies be hot.” to “You monsters!” is kind of aggressively quick and jarring. Now, there’s nothing wrong with a quick turnaround like that _in principle_, but a lot of the time you’ll be better served with a series of hints that build up to a reveal.
– Your name game needs work. While calling your fantasy characters “Steve” and “John” _feels_ wrong, these are all names with long and proud histories; don’t be afraid of them. (Although go for Stephen and Jonathan, probably.) Doing some reading on name origins is probably a neat idea.
– The _in medias res_ type beginning and ending are both good, but in this particular case, the ending seems to kind of leapfrog the sex. Now, as far as focusing on other aspects go it’s a good one, but in a piece written for /r/sexystories there should probably be some explicit nastiness.
– Show, don’t tell. “the most stunning pair of thighs I’d ever laid eyes on” is, you know, fine, but instead of saying that, maybe describe her thighs? How are they incredible? Milky white flesh stretched over strong, quivering musculature? Let the reader know. Now, being generic isn’t _necessarily_ bad, but often being explicit is better.
– Proper tags. What you have doesn’t _quite_ capture the essence of the story; for one an [Fdom] tag wouldn’t go amiss.
But, again, on the whole, a thoroughly commendable first effort. Always good to see more people writing. :)