This is my first attempt at writing erotica; don't know if I have what it takes to write something erotica readers would enjoy. Would appreciate any feedback you can give me. Thank you.
His facial imperfections were hard getting over. The indent in the middle of the forehead was accentuated by the bone beneath his thick long eyebrows. The width of the forehead seemed small but really, it was the protruding cheekbones that made it seem so. The cheeks were almost flat, with a shadow cast on them that made his face appear older. His facial hair was long and course but individual hairs appeared too far spread out that reminded him of cat whiskers. His eyes looked tired and heavy. This was due to the eyelids drooping down on the side a bit, just enough to give them that sad old look. He had semi dark circles underneath the eyes that were hereditary on his father's side. Those unflattering looks and the protruding, unshapely nose, that had lost all symmetry, if it ever had any, were the only inheritance from his absent father. Julio was very self-aware; overall, his appearance was not worse than average but he focused on individual details. He was not as meticulous when judging the looks of the opposite sex.
A rustling of grass and leaves outside the window startled him as he stared at his naked body in the mirror. He quickly reached out towards the light switch; in the immediate dark that followed he was able to make out a silhouette that quickly moved out of site. There was a soft knock on the door and he rushed to pull up his sports shorts just a little below the waistline where the abdomen meets the hip bone. His stomach muscles were not very well defined but at least it was flat with a tight skin that was the color of cinnamon. His navel had a nice shape and just below it was a layer of thin, short hair that went down from the navel and under the shorts.
He was flushed; the idea of someone watching him as he was undressed made him restless and gave him a rush. He walked barefoot and shirtless on the polished dark wood floors towards the front door. He was still a little red around the cheeks when he opened the door to find Mary standing there. Her eyes almost instantly grazed him from the bottom and up until their eyes met. It happened very quick but he perceived that she was attracted to him.
The long curls hung beside her smooth rounded face. She was no more than 25. There was a sparkle in her eyes that he had not noticed earlier when they met. There was a tight smile on her pink lips as she tried to act normal around him. Her hand went out to him; she was offering the remote they had discussed. He cleared his throat silently and knowing this might be the only chance he had, made up an excuse to invite her in. "Oh, thank you. I was just about to watch a movie. Do you want to watch it? There's plenty of room on the couch." "Sure, said Mary, making an effort to sound natural. As she came in his heart raced and his breathing got shallow. Mary was wearing a salmon colored blouse; the color went well with her light peach skin. He could barely make out the sports bra that held her firm breasts underneath. Her white denim shorts were tight all around and accentuated the beautiful curves of her butt and legs.
Julio clumsily bumped into her as they both headed towards the couch; he had not planned this nor thought it through but had to quickly come up with a movie. He went to his collection of downloaded titles and picked out The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo; it was erotic and suggestive, exactly what he needed. The movie had started by the time he came back with the popcorn. He playfully slumped very close to her on the couch and they both sat there awkwardly until the first sex scene came on.
Mary was half conscious of what she was doing alone in the apartment with Julio. She did not want to admit that she was aroused and longed to feel his body pressed against hers. She had made herself an excuse for going next door to his house. As she walked down the sidewalk with the remote in her hand she had noticed the dim light inside the house and approached the window without thinking much of it. As she peeked in the blood rush up to her face and down to the bottom of her stomach. She felt a little dazed and lightheaded as she discovered his naked masculine body for the first time. It appeared to be firm and youthful. There was a sudden gush inside her. She was turned on by the sight of him and was swallowing hard when all of a sudden he looked her way and the lights went off. She stepped to the side and continued to the front of the house not knowing exactly how to greet him. Her hand was on the door before she had even come up with the words she would say to him.
The atmosphere was tense. He meant to lean over and kiss her but could not find the courage to do so. He sensed her impatience and as they both sat there his penis began to get engorged. It was hard to hide the erection under the thin garment. Julio took a deep, silent breath and spoke as he turned to face her, "Ok, I'll be honest with you, I'm actually turned on right now. Does it bother you?" Mary replied, "no." and surprisingly slid her hand over his leg and under the loose athletic shorts. She could reach in easily; there was no underwear and the thought of it turned her on even more. Her velvet hands judged it to be between six and seven inches in length. It was very hard to the touch and as she gave it a firm squeeze it seemed to get even harder. Her thumb felt for the tip and it was wet with pre-cum. Oddly, she desired to taste it. The feeling overcame her. She worked it all around the head as she carefully knelt before him and slowly slid off the shorts. It stood out erect before her and Mary hungrily slid her mouth over it as far as she could go and took a good long swallow.
Source: reddit.com/r/Erotica/comments/3855hg/first_attempt_at_writing_erotica_need_feedback